What's On My Mind

#1

December 16th, 2014:

They must think I'm stupid.

I know what you're doing. I just can't say anything. Maybe it's because I'm too afraid, too insecure. I feel so small. I am too small.

The thing is, I let people walk all over me. My mom says it's because I'm too generous, and always let people go first. But it's true. I'm not comfortable with speaking how I feel. I can only write it down.

I don't know if I can deal with it any longer. My blood starts to boil, I groan in frustration. My fists curl up; I want to hit something. My eyes start watering, because I'm too sensitive. I take things to the heart, even if it's a joke, or the smallest thing.

I constantly over-think, and if I do that, I break. I completely shatter. It's happened once this year. I felt so weak. Don't let them see you cry. But the more they asked if I was okay, the more the tears fell.

One girl asked if I was crying, and my friend just said, "She's just tired."

I am tired. I'm tired of living in this shell, that even I'm too scared to come out of. I'm afraid of being myself around people except my family.

I even went to the damn counselors. But guess what? I didn't want to talk about me. I lied to him, because I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I keep all this to myself, even though I know it'll destroy me someday.

I think too much, and speak too little. There's a million different things I want to say. But even if I try, they don't really listen. Nobody cares about what I say.

It's been going on for 3 years. Three whole fucking years of being quiet, of keeping this whole mind to myself.

That's why I push people away. If I push you away, its because I expect you to pull me back in. My mind is saying this: Please save me, oh my god. Save me from myself before something happens again.

But they don't. They don't make any effort. It's because they don't care, stupid.

I'm losing my sanity. I'm going crazy, taking to myself as soon as I'm alone.

It's funny to think that I'm my only friend. I imagine myself dying alone, my parents and younger siblings outliving me. I know it's fucked up.

But the thing is,

I don't even want help.

I'm so self contradicting, it hurts.

This is wrecking me emotionally, mentally, and physically.

And I can't deal with myself anymore.