What's On My Mind

#12

December 25th, 2016

The darkest, yet most irrational fear crept into the crevices of my mind as I rested my eyes.

Like a thief in the night, unsuspected, unwanted.

Even fictional concepts that my own head created has enough power to shake me.

I woke up in tears, every single one burning my cheek.

Every single one kills me with guilt.

This is wrong.

Why am I crying?

Why am I afraid of something so stupid?

That would never happen.

You would never, ever hurt me.

Right?

You could never hold such an anger in your gaze as you looked down on me.

A rage that couldn't be contained, like wildfire.

A rage that made my heart break with every second.

You could never move so close, the hatred radiating out of your fingertips.

Your hands could never find their way around my neck in a way to ever hurt me.

They could never tighten, threatening to take away my breath.

And you would stop right as I could whisper out the words,

"You're hurting me."

But in this nightmare, you didn't.

You gripped on tighter, grinning this evil smile, as your salivation leaked out of the corner.

As if watching me come so close to death opened something up so cynical in your brain.

Your eyes did not have a single speck of light anymore.

Only darkness.

Your smile did not reveal any love for the girl you fell in love with.

Only hatred.

Your hands did not have a gentle warmth, like they would be if they were holding mine.

Only cold death.

As I faded out, my death awoke me.

I already felt the tears streaming down my cheeks.

I had been crying in my sleep.

I had been screaming out for help, while my throat was being kept silent in my dream.

My brother had woken up, too.

He was shaking, a fear in his eyes that something was completely wrong with me.

And maybe there is.

Because I should never be dreaming about this.

Something so fictional, so irrational.

But it seemed so real.

So real.