Letters to my Ex

Letter 1

Dear You, 

From the day we met one could say I've been trying to control it all. How you saw me. How you thought of me. And how much you could have of me. I wanted to be perfect for you. This beautiful perfect girl that could save you from whatever it was hurting you. That was my first mistake. My second was that even after I realized how special you were, I decided you were too special for a girl that wasn't perfect; instead of seeing that the specialness inside of you could have allowed you to love me anyway. The me that was damaged and young and so so far from perfect. 

In the beginning, I was hesitant. Maybe it had more to do with my own insecurities but I didn't think you were in it as much as I was. I had one foot in and one foot out even though all I wanted was to step in and close the door behind me. I was scared. Scared you'd realize I was broken and scared you'd walk away. Looking back now, I think you were scared too and I wish I knew that. But the moment I told you I love you everything changed. I was all in. And the perfect girl wasn't just someone I wanted to be for you anymore, it was someone I was. I had wanted every part of you. Every problem, every pain. You were my whole entire world and the love I had for you flowed out of me with everything I did. I loved you deep in my bones. And in those moments I was everything you thought I was.

The whole first year of our relationship was pretty perfect. Everything was perfect until it wasn't and the relationship that had put so much life into me, started taking it away. I wish I knew exactly when it happened so I could tell you the moment I stopped being the girl you knew. But I don't. Your cheating had been going on for a while, you became mean and distant. And you weren't the person I knew anymore either. So instead of fighting for us, instead of seeing our relationship needed me. That you needed me. I walked away. But as much as I should have stayed, you shouldn't have given me so many reasons to leave. And in the three months to follow, I made a lot of choices, bad choices. Choices I didn't tell partly because you never asked but mostly because I wanted to stay the perfect beautiful girl you thought I was. The perfect beautiful girl that could save you from everything wrong in the world which also happened to include me.

I'm sorry I wanted you to think I was perfect. I'm sorry I was so insecure about who I was I only showed you the parts I thought you'd love. I'm sorry I tried to take so much control away from you. And I'm sorry I couldn't live up to it. I didn't think you could handle it. I knew you couldn't. But I also knew we needed each other. So I made a choice. I chose you and me. And because of that, it's probably easy to say our relationship was built on lies. But it wasn't. It was built on all the things we wanted to be. I wanted to be what you thought perfect was. And you wanted to be a good man for me. We both fell short. We both didn't tell the whole truth. And we both have plenty of reasons to walk away. But I am sorry I couldn't be the one to tell you I messed up. I'm sorry I couldn't let you go when you asked. And I'm sorry neither one of us will ever get to know the whole truth. But unlike you, I am okay with that. You have so many faults too. And you can hate me, curse me and blame me for it all but it wasn't just me. I fought for you and for a chance for you to love every part of me. You didn't want to take it. You walked away. But that is okay. I get it. So much has been done and so much has been buried. And I don't know if you'll ever be able to forgive me. But you you you, future champion of the world and the love of my life...

I love you with everything I know-how. And as much as I wish I could turn back the clock and change things, there are so many things I wouldn't. I have to believe you will feel the loss of me, the way I feel the loss of you. Please heal. Please love again. And please find a way back to me. 

 Love, Me