Summary-- Zayn is in love with Niall and he can't look away from him.
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When Zayn first met Niall, he was all laughter and energy and he was impossible to put up with really. There was something about the way that he was always bouncing off the walls around them that drove Zayn absolutely insane and made him want to capture the boy and sit him down and force him to stay still for at least one second so that someone could say something without sending him into a fit of giggles that collided with absolutely everything in the room.
The annoyance only lasted about a day before Niall became the perfect distraction from Liam's seriousness and Louis' crazyness and Harry's mooneyes that never seemed to leave Louis. It was adorable - if not a little sickening - and Zayn often found that when his eyes did stray towards Louis and Harry, he felt like he was intruding on some sort of personal moment that no one else was invited to understand. And so Niall was his relief.
He was always giggling and it was infectious, coaxing a bubble of laughter out of Zayn's lips at the way that he would clutch at his stomach and lean forwards with the force of his amusement. By that time, all Zayn wanted to do was capture him and sit him down in one place so that Zayn could watch him all day. Niall was the sun and Zayn could barely look away.
-
He realised he probably had the beginnings of feelings for the blonde before they'd even made it through the judges' houses. It was when they were packing their bags after their audition in front of Simon and Liam left the room to shower, leaving Niall and Zayn alone. Niall was babbling away in his adorable accent and Zayn realised that if they didn't make it through, it would make seeing Niall almost impossible and he didn't think he could deal with that - with losing him before he'd ever really had him.
Zayn felt something akin to panic bubbling under his skin and his fingers shook a little where he had been folding a t-shirt into his bag. He took a deep breath and tried to smoothen his movements, the air rattling in his lungs.
Niall probably picked up on Zayn's worry because he looked at him and stopped babbling. "You really want t' get through, don't ya?" he asked suddenly and Zayn let his lips fold softly into a tight smile, nodding for different reasons than those that Niall suspected.
"Yeah," he said quietly. "I really do."
-
In between the judges' houses and the actual X Factor House, Zayn didn't hear from Niall all that much. Sure, in the month that split the two stages of the competition, they didn't lose contact completely. But it was enough that Zayn thought that he had probably only been so infatuated with Niall because everything had been so new and exciting. He lost himself in time with his friends in Bradford, spending as much time with them as possible before he had to leave.
He almost thought he fell in love with a girl Maddy, but that's what the person who takes your virginity does to you really, isn't it? Liam managed to convince him that his heart wasn't broken when he came up to visit Zayn for a surprise and he found out that the girl he'd just lost it to was already sleeping with someone else.
"It's not really the sound of your heart breaking though Zayn," he said. "It's just the sound of your dignity slowly but surely crumbling away."
Zayn had laughed and smacked Liam right in the chest, causing him to let out an "oof" of air and sprawl back against the couch they were sharing with a grin.
"Remind me why I am putting you up for a week?"
"Because you love me really and probably don't want to feel left out when we all end up together in the house."
Zayn had frowned. "What about Niall?"
"What about him?"
"Surely he'll be the one most out of touch," Zayn reasoned. "I mean...he is in Ireland."
"Yeah but he'll be in Doncaster with Harry and Lou in a few days. He's spending the week with them before he head over to Hertford."
Zayn wondered why he felt so betrayed that Niall had chosen Harry and Louis over him, why he hadn't even bothered to tell Zayn. But he had no claim to Niall and so he pushed it away and settled for sulking about Maddy to Liam a bit more until the younger boy got fed up and dragged him out of the house for food.
-
As soon as he pulled up to the contestants' house in a taxi from the airport, the front door was flung open and a bundle of flashing colour and blonde hair was hurtling into his arms with a ferocious force that knocked the wind out of him.
"Zayn!" the voice cried and Zayn shivered at the way Niall's accent wrapped around his name.
"Hey Ni," he chuckled, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy.
"Missed you," Niall mumbled and Zayn wondered how he'd ever thought that he would be able to escape his ridiculously strong and irrational feelings towards Niall.
Niall was warm and bright and everywhere, his arm linked with Zayn's as he pulled him into the house and showed him the room the five of them would be sharing, the way he'd saved the bunk above his for Zayn because he figured he wasn't much of a bottom-bunk-guy. Yeah...Zayn never had a fucking chance.
-
Zayn liked singing next to Niall. He liked it in the performances, when Niall seemed to come to life and shine more even more than Liam and Harry, who liked to take the stage. No, Niall was perfectly content singing in the background, his high voice mixing perfectly with the two lead singers.
Most of all though, Zayn liked singing next to Niall when they were rehearsing, standing bunched together in the large room so that they could get their harmonies right, Savan with his guitar, singing along with them. Niall was perfect when he was in his trackies, his voice still a little sleepy because they had to rehearse so early in the morning. He was slower to pick up the harmonies and Zayn was fast and sometimes Savan asked Zayn to give Niall some help during their break and Zayn was always more than happy to oblige.
-
It was common - with Liam always running around trying to do something to keep busy and Louis and Harry always sneaking off to be alone - for Niall and Zayn to be left alone for a few hours, lounging around in the boys' room.
Sometimes it was silent, just lying in their separate beds (and in one heart stuttering case, the same) reading or texting while the other napped. Other times, they chatted aimlessly for longer than Zayn had ever been able to talk to anyone at one time. He grew completely infatuated with Niall's laugh - wanted to bottle it up and keep it in a jar on his bedside table for the rest of his life in case he woke up from a nightmare and needed something to light up his entire universe again for a moment.
Niall was brighter than anything he'd ever known, his voice curling around the whole room as he recounted numerous stories about his childhood, growing up in a small town where everyone knew everyone. After only five weeks of living with the Irish boy, Zayn felt like he knew everyone in Mullingar too.
Zayn tried to offer something back to Niall, felt bad because all he did was take take take from the younger boy. But Niall didn't seem to want anything - seemed happy to just open his mouth and let the words fall out like a gift. Yes, Niall was the sun and Zayn found himself orbiting around him, always near him, adjusting his stance whenever Niall did, shifting together as one, even if Niall didn't realise it.
-
Some things between the two of them were alarmingly simple, like the way that it was an unspoken agreement that the two of them were the ones who made the runs to MacDonald's together always. And that when they got there, they would order their own food first and sit in one of the booths in the corner and eat together. And that when they did, Niall would pluck the pickles out of his Big Mac and pass them wordlessly to Zayn without even looking up from his food. And Zayn would smile a small smile that each time went unnoticed by Niall.
Everyone was in the dining room eating their food as soon as Niall and Zayn produced it upon their return. The two of them found themselves in the kitchen, Niall pouring himself a glass of milk despite the huge meal he'd just consumed. Zayn never understood how Nial drank milk straight up. He'd never been able to do it, but the blonde chugged it back as though it were water, wiping his mouth on his sleeve afterwards.
Zayn leant against the counter, letting the soft sounds of chatter from the dining wash over him as he watched Niall, who was watching him back. Zayn tried thinking about anything but the way that the soft light of the unlit kitchen made Niall's eyes sparkle like something else and he failed, but it didn't matter because it wasn't like Niall could hear his thoughts. And just when Zayn thought he'd gotten away with it, Niall pushed himself off the fridge that he was leaning against and took a step towards him, standing on his toes slightly to kiss Zayn's lips so gently and sweetly that Zayn thought he might just disappear right there. When Niall pulled away, he had this delicious smirk on his face like he knew that Zayn's world was ending. Zayn opened his mouth to speak, but Niall cut him off with a look. And then they kissed again, though this time, not quite so sweetly.
-
Niall didn't bring it up their kiss again and Zayn was so used to Niall dictating how the two of them worked together that he was too scared to bring it up too. And so they hovered in a sort of grey area between friendship and what could possibly be more. Sometimes when they went on group excursions, Niall pulled Zayn to the back of the group, keeping a metre or so behind the rest of the contestants, claiming he wanted a bit of space. But sometimes he slipped his fingers between Zayn's, held them loosely, almost as though he'd done it by accident and Zayn wanted to wrap his hand tightly around Niall's, but was terrified that if he moved, Niall would realise what he was doing and let go. So Zayn just breathed in deeply and tried not to look sideways even though he knew he was blushing.
When all the contestants went on a trip to the London Dungeons, Niall held tightly to Zayn's hand.
"The walls are getting closer together aren't they?" he asked nervously. "Please tell me I'm not crazy. These passages are getting narrower, right?"
Zayn looked sideways and Niall and squeezed his hand more tightly, something that he'd never been brave enough to do before, but he figured in that moment, Niall kind of wanted him to be the brave one.
"You're okay Ni, I won't let anything hurt you."
Zayn's promise kind of fell to shit when he wrenched his hand out of Niall's fingers when a skeleton's breath tickled at his neck. Zayn yelped in shock and Niall let out a loud laugh that had Zayn scowling in his direction.
"Probably should have promised I wouldn't let anything hurt you!" he laughed and Zayn rolled his eyes, reaching for Niall's hand again and dragging him forwards, away from the hands of the actor and towards the light that signalled the end of the adventure.
Niall slowed down his fast pace a little, tugging on his hand and wrapping an arm around Zayn's waist, cuddling into him.
"Thanks though Zayn," he said quietly and Zayn boldly ducked his head to press a kiss to Niall's forehead.
"Anytime."
-
"I reckon it's better that we came third, don't you?" Niall asked, leaning drunkenly against Zayn at the after party of the finale. Everyone was drunk and willing to turn a blind eye towards the underage drinking of the boys in One Direction, especially Harry who was what one would call a slutty-drunk, sprawled over Louis, trying desperately to meet his lips.
Zayn was drunk - really drunk. Drunk enough that he could barely stop himself from pulling Niall into an empty room and pressing him up against the door and working his shirt open and...yeah - really drunk.
"Why is that - " Zayn took a swig of his beer, " - better?" he asked.
" 'Cause now we can make 't on our own, ya know?" Niall asked, his accent strong. Zayn noticed his accent was stronger when he was drunk and then scolded himself for noticing because he was supposed to be Niall's best friend and best friends weren't supposed to notice tiny, little details like that.
"What if we don't make it Nialler?" Zayn whined, leaning further into Niall's warmth.
"We will," Niall said determinedly. "We've got to. I really want to Zayn."
"I really want you to kiss me," Zayn said sleepily, his eyes closed and he didn't even realise he'd said it until Niall's lips were against his, wet and drunkenly haphazard.
Zayn pulled away and stared at Niall who was licking his lips. "Upstairs," he mumbled and Zayn wasted no time following him as he scampered up the steps, tripping a little in his haste.
And then they were kissing, bunched together on Niall's single bed, hands in each other's hair, under each other's shirts, leaving warm handprints on the untouched skin. It was desperate and hot, too hot and Zayn could barely handle Niall blazing with that kind of intensity so he pulled back, gasping for air and Niall seemed to understand, his motions slowing a little.
And when he kissed Zayn again, it was slow, burning softly and when they pulled apart again, Niall shuffled slightly downwards on the bed and pressed his face into the crook of Zayn's neck. And before Zayn had dared to breath, he'd fallen asleep there, curled up close to Zayn like he couldn't bear to let him go.
-
The X Factor tour was almost impossible for Zayn considering Niall took it upon himself to start sleeping with one of the dancers who was friends with Danielle. Zayn could have killed Liam when he introduced the two of them, but figured he would cut him some slack given that he'd never actually told anyone that he'd fallen in love with his best friend.
Still, he wasn't particularly fond of hearing Niall moan in the next room as he fucked the girl into the mattress, and then expect a high five for it the next morning.
It wasn't the right thing to do, but Zayn compensated for it by sleeping with Rebecca. It was a distraction - not a very good one - but a distraction all the same.
Zayn hadn't had much of a chance to explore Niall's body, but he knew that Rebecca's was nothing like his. She was all curves and softness where Niall was hard planes of muscle that didn't mind being scratched by Zayn's blunt nails.
It didn't last. It ended when the tour did - as did Niall's relationship with Danielle's friend. They weren't ever serious. They were something to satisfy a craving while they were on the road. Zayn always thought that he could have satisfied Niall's hunger just as well, if not more.
-
"What do you think?" Niall said brightly, swinging an arm around Zayn's neck. "We could be famous, huh? Gettin' signed is huge right Zayney?"
Zayn turned to Niall, smiling. Until a few days ago, Zayn hadn't seen Niall for two months, since the tour. And Irish summer had licked at his skin, pressed kisses on his face that left freckles there, right on the tip of his nose. Zayn could see them up this close, where Niall was turned to face him, looking up at the slightly smaller boy. Niall looked completely gorgeous and Zayn wasn't sure if it was just from not having seen him for so long - so he'd forgotten how fucking fantastic looking the blonde was, or if he'd truly become even more attractive over those two long months of little contact.
"I think it's going to be amazing Nialler. I can just...feel it."
And he could feel it - a kind of bubbling under his skin that felt something like anticipation, like things were about to happen - big things. He wondered if Niall could feel it too, or if it was just him. Whatever it was, it felt amazing, like it could bubble up out of him and make him fly. He wondered if he jumped off a building now, if he'd fall. He wondered if Niall would jump after him. He wondered a lot of things - like if Niall loved him yet...if he ever would.
-
They were in the studio as soon as there was something written for them to record. It was harder than any of them had ever anticipated, especially Louis, who often ended up grumpy and snappy by the end of the long days they spent there. It wasn't really like any of them had expected. There was actually a lot more sitting around than there was recording. All of them had to record separately and the rest of the time was spent lounging around in the dimly lit waiting room of the nondescript studio.
Most of the time, Zayn was sprawled on the lumpy couch he'd claimed, opposite the loveseat that Harry and Louis spent their time snuggled up on. Whenever Liam was recording, Niall would curl up either on one of the beanbags, or just by Zayn's feet on the sofa. Sometimes he fell asleep there, curled up like a cat, his arms resting on Zayn's legs where they rested on his lap, his thumb brushing against the exposed skin of Zayn's ankle.
Sometimes, Zayn wondered if Niall did it on purpose - if he was trying to torture Zayn with the touches that could have been completely innocent or completely deliberate without Zayn ever knowing. It wouldn't have surprised him. Sometimes he was sure he caught Niall looking at him with something in his eyes that Zayn couldn't recognise. Sometimes he could trick himself into thinking it was longing.
-
Niall was beautiful when he sang. Zayn had thought it forever. He always would. There was something about the way that his chin jutted out when he strained his voice for the high notes, the way his voice rang so clearly through the glass of the studio, his accent littering his tone.
Zayn liked watching Niall sing almost as much as he loved singing himself. Usually, when he was singing, he could lose himself completely, transported to another world. He could forget - forget the way it hurt when he had to watch Niall not fall in love with him. He just wrapped himself in the song, let it warm him, comfort him.
But this song was different. It was...everything. Ed Sheeran had written a beautiful song without realising that it would prickle at Zayn's skin whenever he sang it. It didn't help that he could see Niall through the glass of the studio window, wrestling with Liam on the couch that he usually shared with Niall. The two of them were laughing, and they looked fucking happy.
Zayn took a deep breath. "...As I feel myself fall, make a joke of it all..." he sang, his voice catching on the last note as he tried to tear his eyes away from the blonde.
"That's great stuff Zayn," Savan commented, speaking through the microphone to get through to Zayn. "There's a lot of emotion there mate. Let's try it again and smooth out that catch."
Zayn nodded. "Yeah, okay." The music started up again. "...Flashing lights in my mind, going back to the time..."
He looked up again, his eyes meeting Niall's through the glass. He was watching Zayn, smiling. He raised a hand and waved cheekily before giving him a thumbs up and mouthing "great stuff" through the window.
"...Playing games in the street, kicking balls with my feet..."
Zayn smiled back, Niall's eyes not leaving his as he continued with the bridge. He was hardly breathing and it couldn't have been good for his voice, not taking enough breath. But he couldn't fucking look away, not with Niall's eyes swimming with so much pride - pride that was there for him.
"...There's a numb in my toes standing close to the edge, there's a pile of my clothes at the end of your bed..."
Niall winked at him and Zayn literally felt his heart jump in his chest as he tried to control the pain that was spreading through his sternum, threatening to snap it in two. No, this wasn't being cocooned by music. This was being tortured by music.
"...As I feel myself fall, make a joke of it all..."
-
"You're in love with Niall," Liam stated bluntly one day. Louis and Harry had left the room earlier, saying they were going in search of a vending machine, but they weren't fooling anyone that they weren't sneaking off for a shag in the toilet.
Niall was in the studio, recording a lower harmony for I Wish. He sounded hypnotising and Zayn had closed his eyes, letting the sound wash over him. He didn't open them to answer Liam. He wasn't shocked by the question. If anything, he was shocked that it hadn't come earlier.
"Yeah, pretty much," he said back quickly, still focussing more on Niall's singing that Liam's questioning.
"And when did that happen?" Liam asked.
Zayn shrugged. "Pretty much since day one. I've got no idea when it changed from needing-to-be-around-him-all-the-time to fucking-in-love-with-him-so-badly-it-hurts to be honest. I don't like to dwell on the details."
He opened his eyes then, a smirk settling on his features as he took in Liam's shocked face. "Don't act so shocked Li," he continued. "It's not exactly like I try to hide it."
"Yeah, you're fucking obvious," Liam said and Zayn laughed.
"What can I say, I got careless. Love does that to you I suppose."
Love does that to you.
-
Zayn had never seen Niall so happy as when they listened to the finished album for the first time. Zayn was pretty pissed off actually, that Niall had barely any solos on the album, but the blonde honestly didn't seem to care at all. He was just happy to be a part of something so big - something that he'd hardly dared to dream of before it was all happening.
The album sounded...good. It was like them, a fucking random mash of things that somehow fit together to form some kind of explosion of life and colour and love love love. And Niall was happy. Zayn could see it in the way he was lying on his back on the floor, his arms above his head, messing up his hair slightly, a content smile on his face. Niall was quiet when he was really happy, letting it all hum inside of him rather than burst out in the fits of laughter he had when he was amused. No, happy was completely different from amused for Niall. Happy for him was being content to just take everything in. His eyes were closed and when they opened, they only did sparingly for a few moments where he would blink up at the room and look at them all, his eyes meeting Zayn's for a fleeting second before the older lad looked away.
Zayn wished he could be the one to make Niall that happy - that he could put that curl in Niall's lips that wasn't really a smile but wasn't really not a smile either.
-
He liked the way alcohol made his bones feel like they were quivering. He liked the way the bass thrummed through his blood and made him shake - with something akin to anticipation.
He was on the dance floor and his hair had fallen out of the quiff that he spent so long styling earlier that evening. What Makes You Beautiful was play for what must have been the fifth time that evening. It was the launch party and Zayn really didn't think he could ever get sick of hearing his first single bouncing off the walls around him. He had a beer clutched in one hand and the other was wrapped around the neck of a blonde girl who he'd forgotten the name of the second after she'd told him.
And then his eyes locked with Niall's across the dance floor and he disentangled himself from the girl, making his way through the cluster of bodies that pressed at him until he met Niall somewhere in the middle. They grinned at each other for a moment before they started to move, dancing together carelessly.
"How fucking amazing is this?" Zayn yelled over the sound of Harry's solo.
"It's fucking amazing Zayney," Niall replied and Zayn didn't have the heart to scold him for the nickname as the song changed into a guttural, sensual beat, pulsing through their bodies.
The two of them laughed, pushed slightly closer together by the sway of bodies that jostled them around slightly. Niall's arms wrapped around Zayn's neck for convenience, the neck of his beer hanging between his fingers loosely and Zayn let his hands rest on Niall's hips. He looked down at Niall, who was smiling a small smile that turned into a smirk as something snapped in his eyes and they turned dark.
Zayn had never seen Niall look so fucking sexy, his pupils blown, a thin sheen of sweat licking across his forehead. Zayn pressed his body closer to Niall's, their legs slotting together as they moved to the beat, his breath rushing across Niall's neck, making the blonde shudder. It was hot in their little bubble of space and they probably didn't need to be standing so close to each other but there was no way in hell that Zayn was taking a step back. In fact, his hands were clutching desperately at Niall's hips, pulling him impossibly closer, aligning their hips with a friction that sent their eyes flying to meet the others as gasps left their lips. Fuck, it was closer than Zayn had ever been to Niall and it was scary. It was terrifying, but then Niall was standing on his toes as he swung his ground his hips into Zayn's and connected their lips.
Niall's lips were wet and warm and burnt Zayn's setting him alight. He was like the sun. He was everything - everywhere. His lips were on Zayn's neck, tugging at his ear lobe, sucking a dirty mark on Zayn's collarbone.
"Fuck, Niall," Zayn murmured into the skin on Niall's neck.
But the words were lost there, because as soon as the song ended, Niall was slipping away through the crowd.
-
Their first tour as One Direction was the best tour of their lives. It started off nervous and structured, the show. But slowly as they got used to the routine every night, they were able to branch out a little more - make it a bit different for each audience. After all, the fans were special, each and every one of them - and they wanted to make them feel that way.
All the boys messed around with each other on stage. Mostly, it was just Harry and Louis who were still trying and failing to hide the fact that they were blatantly in love with each other. But sometimes, Louis dragged Zayn into the fun, messed with him on stage, made him feel as though he was part of something.
It was on the Birmingham leg of the tour that Zayn felt something snap inside him. He was watching Niall, who was talking animatedly to the audience about how far they'd come and how grateful they were, the same old speech that Niall managed to sound enthusiastic about every single night.
And there was something about the way the lights hit him that made Niall look so fucking beautiful that Zayn couldn't resist twirling around him during the next song, singing right to Niall, grabbing his hand and spinning him around.
Niall was graceful on stage in a way that he never was at any other time. He was vibrant and alive and Zayn came to life when he was singing right into Niall's eyes.
He came alive.
-
In the midst of their tour with Big Time Rush, Zayn found himself rooming next to Harry and Louis. They were taking a break from the tour bus for one night, the awkward kinks in their back getting a bit much for all of them. And Louis and Harry got cranky when they went too long without sharing a bed. It was easy to deal with cranky Louis or cranky Harry as separate things, but both of them irritable together was a nightmare - it wasn't something that Zayn wanted to face.
Then again, horny Louis and Harry wasn't exactly something that he wanted to face either. Which was why he was tossing and turning in his bed as he listened to the moaning and groaning coming through the thing walls of the room next door.
And Zayn really shouldn't have been turned on by the cries of Lou, harder and fuck, right there. But it had been so long and Niall had been wearing one of his fucking wife beaters that day and he was so hard, his dick like a rod in his boxers.
And so he slipped them off and guiltily wanked himself off to the sound of his two best friends fucking each other in the next room, his mind on Niall and the way his accent would sound when he was moaning Zayn's name.
He came with a guilty whimper and rolled over, facing the wall and closing his eyes in shame as he imagined Niall sleeping peacefully down the hall, completely unaware that his best friend was getting off to thoughts of him.
-
"Zoo today?" Niall asked, bounding into Zayn's room in the morning with a smile on his face that looked like it could cure cancer. Zayn groaned, rolling over in bed and licking his tongue at the roof of his dry mouth.
"Fuck me," he moaned, his head beating with his heart. "Water?" he questioned and Niall rolled his eyes.
"Paul's pissed at you."
"Harry?"
"Harry too," Niall deadpanned. "Check your phone."
Zayn sighed and rolled over, closing his eyes to the bright Sydney sun and reached blindly for his phone, knocking his wallet to the floor with a soft thud that made his skull ache.
(1) New Message - Pauly Higgahs
You're grounded for the day. Come to my room for breakfast.
Zayn groaned again. "No zoo today Niall. Paul's got me on lockdown."
Niall sighed. "I'm not surprised. There are photos of you from last night. And twitter reports...I guess I'll just...go by myself."
"Nialler - "
"No," Niall said sharply, his eyes clouded with a disappointment that Zayn had never wanted to see there. "Josh said he wanted to go anyway. I'll see you this afternoon."
-
Niall came into Zayn's room at about eight on their first morning in Melbourne.
"Mornin'" he mumbled, climbing into Zayn's double and curling up into his side and wrapping a hand around his waist. Zayn responded to the movement by jutting his hips in the opposite direction uncomfortably, just so Niall could fit more happily into his side with his knees tucked up.
"What's up Ni?" Zayn asked and he felt Niall sigh against his shoulder.
"Liam and Louis are going surfing. Woke me up." His sentences were poorly formed and grumbled out and Zayn smiled, reaching up a hand to ruffle Niall's hair and pull him closer.
"You can sleep here yeah? I'll make sure you get some rest."
Niall opened his eyes, glancing up at Zayn with wide eyes. "Thanks," he murmured.
And then he fell asleep in Zayn's arms.
No, Zayn wouldn't mind it every single morning for the rest of his life.
-
Being away from Niall was harder the more Zayn spent time with him. And after spending approximately three months in his company almost constantly, returning from Australia for a much needed break, he felt a physical ache inside his chest. He would have thought he could survive it - being away from Niall for just two weeks.
But he couldn't.
And he caved and called him on the second day, happy to just listen to Niall's voice on his message tone when the call rang out.
-
It was Niall's idea to get pissed in Zayn's hotel room during their second tour of America. It wasn't exactly legal given that even Louis was still only twenty, but they figured what Paul didn't know wouldn't hurt him. Liam declined altogether, blaming it on the fact that he'd promised to Skype Danielle, but they all knew it was because he'd have no fun watching everyone else get drunk while he tried to look after all of them. They all knew they could look after themselves.
Louis and Harry lasted less than two hours before they were too tipsy to be discreet about sneaking out of Zayn's room to Harry's across the hall, lips already meeting as they stumbled out the door.
Niall let out a loud laugh when the door slammed behind them and Zayn smiled in the same way that he always did when Niall laughed.
Niall was lying on Zayn' bed, his head lolling backwards off the end, watching Zayn upside down where he was sitting, leant against the wall opposite his bed, a bottle of beer balanced on one knee. Niall smiled at Zayn and let out a giggle, wiggling his fingers in Zayn's direction.
Zayn smiled slightly, one side of his lips tugging up in amusement at the way that Niall was clearly well past it.
"I think you're in love wit' me," Niall said suddenly and Zayn gulped, his eyes widening as he stiffened where he was sitting. Niall nodded in satisfaction at Zayn's reaction. "Thought so."
Zayn shook his head wildly. "Niall - "
"Don't worry about it Zayn," he said loudly, waving his hands around wildly. "I don't even realise when I'm sober."
Zayn stared at Niall for a second before letting out a disbelieving chuckle. "You do when you're smashed?"
"I'm not smashed!" Niall cried, making to roll over to prop himself up on his elbows but misjudging his movement and tumbling off the bed and landing in an untidy heap on the floor. Zayn laughed loudly as Niall frowned, picking himself up. "Okay...maybe I am smashed."
Zayn laughed again as Niall crawled across the floor towards him, resting his hands on Zayn's knees. The elder gulped as Niall leant in to kiss him sloppily, his tongue dancing along Zayn's lower lip before pulling away.
"Ni, you don't have to - "
"I don't reckon sober me realises I'm in love with you either..." Niall mused and Zayn rolled his eyes, trying to ignore the way his stomach felt like it was trying to claw it's way out of his body through his throat. "I am though," he continued, attaching his lips to Zayn's neck and sucking there cautiously, leaving a pattern of pink and purple flowers on Zayn's skin. "So in love with you Zayn."
-
Niall teased Zayn about the hickeys the next morning, asking him where he got them. Zayn looked at him blankly, scrutinising his face as though unable to believe that Niall really didn't remember anything he'd said the night before. He sighed, wrapping his arm around Niall's shoulder and revelling in the way the blonde's hair tickled the exposed skin of his arm.
"Some slutty blonde," he said playfully and Niall laughed.
"You're such an idiot man," he said, pulling away from Zayn and bounding towards Louis, who was brandishing bagels.
Zayn watched him go with a sad smile on his face.
-
The two of them were the last awake on the tour bus one evening. They collapsed back onto the couch after a game on the Wii, laughing in the aftermath of how ridiculously competitive the game had become in the last few minutes.
"Better luck next time, mate," Niall laughed, patting Zayn on the shoulder.
Zayn laughed and let his head fall back on the edge of the couch, his legs sprawling out in front of him. He turned his head to look sideways at Niall, who was looking at him just the same with something unreadable in his eyes.
"What would you say if I told you I was in love with you?" Zayn asked quietly.
Niall looked at Zayn blankly, searching his face for any hint that he was joking and when he found none, he chuckled a little, nervously. "You're not are ya?" he asked carefully and Zayn sighed.
"Niall..."
"No, Zayn. You can't be in love with me. You can't."
"Why not!" Zayn said loudly and Niall jumped a little.
"It...would ruin everything," he said quietly and Zayn could have sworn he felt claws reach into his chest and clench around his heart. This was it - he'd said it. He'd taken the leap and everything was going to be different from then on. It wasn't the kind of statement that he could take back and it felt dangerous hanging in the air. He loved Niall. He fucking loved him and now he knew.
"Why?" he asked brokenly, breathing shaky.
"Because Zayn...you can't be in love with me if I don't love you back. You know it'll make it - "
Zayn sighed loudly in frustration. "Fine," he said icily, standing up from where he was sitting. "I'm not in love with you then."
Neither boy managed to get any sleep that night.
-
Niall wanted Zayn to go back to Ireland with him for a week after they finished their tour, to stay with his family over Christmas. Zayn went of course - he had never really had the ability to say no to Niall. He'd never been to Mullingar before and Niall held his hand as they made their way down the main street on their first day there.
"...And this, my friend," Niall said, "is where I had my first drink ever."
Zayn took in the grungy bar on the corner of the street and let out a laugh. "Classy as always Nialler," he commented and Niall laughed loudly.
"Shut the fuck up," he complained, pulling Zayn into the almost empty bar and ordering a pint for each of them. There was only one other person in the pub besides the bartender, a greasy old man sat on a stool at the bar watching the rugby on the flat-screen.
"Shall we call Lou for his birthday then?" Zayn asked and Niall looked at him from where he had been watching the game.
"Sure, why not?" he shrugged and the two of them rang their friend, bursting into a ridiculous rendition of "happy birthday" and listened to Harry and Louis laughing in the background. Zayn sometimes wondered how it was fair that Louis and Harry were so easily in love when everything with Niall was so impossibly hard.
-
Christmas at the Horan's was almost as overwhelming as Christmas at the Tomlinson's, where Zayn had visited two years ago. Where Louis' house was alive with the bright enthusiasm of his huge family, Niall's small family made up for the lack of people with an abundance of delicious food and brilliant laughter. Zayn didn't think he'd ever seen Niall so alive as he had when he was surrounded by his family, his accent brought out by all of theirs, his laugh booming around the room. It made Zayn ache somewhere deep inside like someone was sitting on his chest, making it harder for him to breathe.
The craziness was almost too much and he found himself on the porch of the house at about ten that night, leaning against the railing and sipping on a beer, listening to the chatter inside. It was cold outside, but he was warm from Christmas dinner and the alcohol that was making him slightly tipsy. Most of the Horan's were plastered, Christmas being one of the only chances that they all got to be together.
"Fuck, it's cold out here," came a voice from behind him and Zayn smiled without even turning to look at Niall, who came and leant on the railing next to him.
"Good thing you're pissed as fuck then," Zayn teased and Niall chuckled, his arm brushing against Zayn's on the railing.
"You okay?" he asked and Zayn turned to look at him.
"Yeah. Just...used to a quiet Christmas. This is a big change."
Niall laughed. "Yeah, this is anything but quiet."
Zayn smiled and took another sip of his beer, his eyes never leaving Niall, who wasn't bothering to look away from Zayn either.
"Are you smashed?" Zayn asked and Niall grinned, nodding. "Do you love me then?"
Niall gulped, breathing in shakily. "I always love you Zayn."
"You just don't realise it, yeah?"
"Please don't give up on me," Niall whispered. "I'll get there one day."
"I'll wait," Zayn replied quietly.
Something flickered in Niall's eyes - like regret, spidering it's legs into the beautiful blue, making it dark and sad. "Tonight," he said, "you don't have to wait."
-
Sex with Niall was intimate in a way that Zayn had never expected, in a way that made his knees shake and his breath come in quiet gasps. Niall was gentler when drunk than he was when he was sober and he touched Zayn with so much love that Zayn didn't think he could ever go back to the fucked up limbo that Niall was forcing him to live in. Not when he knew how much Niall really cared. Because no one could touch Zayn like Niall was touching him if they didn't care - it just wasn't possible.
It was dark and soft and there were whispers of I love you I love you I love you I love you and Zayn didn't know who was saying it, but he thought it was probably him and maybe if he said it enough, Niall would remember it when the alcohol wore off and he'd be able to say it back.
-
There was no way that Niall didn't realise they'd slept together - it was painfully obvious from the way that they woke up, naked bodies wrapped together in a tight embrace - but he ignored it, crawling out of bed and into the shower before Zayn even had a chance to speak.
Zayn knew Niall needed time to figure things out, needed to realise he was in love with Zayn the way that Zayn was in love with Niall and that he wouldn't be able to do it with Zayn sitting in his bed, waiting for him to come back.
When Niall got back to his room twenty minutes later, Zayn had was already in a taxi on the way to the airport.
-
When Niall arrived back in England a week later, ready to finish recording their new album, he was greeted by a sheepishly smiling Zayn at the airport. He grinned when he saw Zayn and ran at him like a bullet, wrapping his arms around him and nuzzling his face into the older boy's neck.
"Missed you buddy," he mumbled and Zayn smiled, pulling back to look at Niall who was already chattering about everything he'd been up to since Zayn left. Zayn wasn't sure if Niall was doing it to distract from the fact that he obviously didn't want to talk about what had happened or if he was just being Niall. He thought it was probably the former and it made him ache a little, his hands a bit shaky as he hauled Niall's suitcase off the bag train and wheeled it out to his waiting car for him.
There was something about the way that Niall was so bright and oblivious that made Zayn wish that he'd never fallen in love with him. It was almost impossible to love someone who was so determined not to love him back, and he was sick of waiting, he really was. He wondered if it were possible to stop loving Niall, that if perhaps he let himself look for other people, he might be able to see someone who wasn't the bubbling blonde boy in front of him.
But Niall was the sun and Zayn could never look away.
