Past Tense

Chapter 5

caelifera
grasshopper

I FIND HIM beneath the apartment stairs, all tall and messy and golden brown. It had only been a few days since I saw Matty, but I thought that would be our last conversation. I wonder if he came here to see me, if he wanted to see me, or if this was all just some kind of cruel dream.

He lifts his head upon hearing my footsteps, and I manage a small smile despite my hurried thoughts. Just seeing Matty in front of me, with his tall frame and dark hair falling into green eyes, standing so close, it makes me want to reach out, fingers in mine, whispering into his ear the sentiment I keep feeling, again and again.

I care about you, I want to say. Even though you never asked me to.

But I couldn't ignore the divide between us, almost too wide and too deep to cross, so instead I stare at him, for as long as he would let me, before saying, rather breathlessly, "Hey."

"Hey yourself," he replies easily, leaning against the railing outlining the stairway of Aimee's apartment. He stretches his arms behind him, straining the sleeves of his gray sweater. "I was waiting for you."

"I can see that," I say, pushing my hair behind my ears to distract myself from the surge of emotions rushing through me. Or the way my breath caught in my throat. "What are you doing here?"

"I want to see you," he says, green eyes clear against the fading sunlight. Nose dusted with sandy freckles and cheeks tinted pink from the brisk air. "Isn't that obvious?"

"Oh." My cheeks flush at his direct tone. "Okay."

"I felt bad about the other day," he clarifies, running a hand through his dark hair then down the back of his neck. "You were crying."

"I was not," I say, heat rising to my cheeks. "It's just, you know—were you really that upset with me?"

He shrugs, and I think back to the first night I saw him again, along with every conversation we ever had over these past few weeks. All the words we had said, the feelings I wanted to say, and everything else in-between.

It rushes out, my words tumbling. "Do you even like me?"

He blinks for a moment, then lets go of the railing, taking several steps in my direction. Both his hands reach out to hold my shoulders, steadying me, and I have to tilt my head upward to meet his gaze. "I'm trying. I didn't mean to get upset with you the other day. I'm sorry."

The distance between us, or lack thereof, did little to still my heartbeat, and I wondered whether I was more scared of reliving our past or letting him into my present life. I decided it was the latter. Because maybe he was the one who got hurt before, but I knew I'd be the one getting hurt now. "You don't have to apologize."

"I think I do. Can we take a walk?" He averts his gaze. "Would that be okay?"

I look at him, then. At all his colors catching the reflection of the fading sunlight above us, the golden hour rays bathing him a hue of yellow light. He was bright enough to be the center of my universe, a whole galaxy made of starbursts and supernovas. He was like a gravitational pull, and I kept falling into him, again and again.

I just say, "Yes."

***

THE PIER IS about a mile away from campus, at the edge of a quiet boardwalk and overlooking a small fraction of the Pacific Ocean. I breathe in the saltwater mist entangled with the air, feel the last stretch of warmth from the setting sun.