Ender Wiggin's Last Game

Hypocrite

Ender stood in the doorway of his room, facing a sleeping Meiji. He was by far the oldest person on the ship. Nearly twenty and well into his man's growth. His voice was deep and he had to shave regularly.

But when he slept, Ender couldn't help but be reminded of Crazy Tom, Dink, Petra... even little Bean. The soft curve of his cheek and the slight furrow of his brow. It brought Ender to tears when he thought of things like that.

It was like this each night. Ender thought of his toon leaders, his soldiers. The other kids he knew in battle school. Bonzo, Zeck, Carn Carby.

Alai.

Ender hated it. Why couldn't he just get them out of his head? Why couldn't he just accept that they were gone?

Why did it hurt so much?

These were the questions that plagued his mind as he stare at Meiji, who breathed softly and steadily in his sleep.

Before he knew it, tears blocked his vision and he was leaning against the door frame for support. This kind of feeling-- it was crippling. A weight in his chest and behind his eyes.

He felt a hand gently touch his shoulder. He quickly wiped away the tears, turning to face the intruder.

It was Penelope.

"Ho, Penelope." He said. His voice sounded strained even to him.

"Ho, Ender."

Ender cleared his throat and moved away from the door. The only light in the room came from the holo in the living quarters. It displayed the time and it was late.

Ender sat down on the couch that was welded to the floor, never to be moved again. Penelope followed. He sighed.

"What are you doing up?"

"Why are you crying?"

"Touche, "

Penelope gave Ender a stern look. Though Ender could see that she had been crying too, he decided not to mention it.

"I can cry if I want to."

"But why are you crying, Ender?"

Ender didn't answer. He didn't want to.

"During the day you put on such a front, don't you?" Yes, such a fake personality. Is that what you think?

Ender turned away from her, keeping his eyes fixed on the holo. He watched the minutes tick by. He didn't want to have this conversation. Not with anyone. Least of all Penelope.

She tried again.
"Ender, please talk to me. If you have a weight on your shoulders, you should tell me. Let me help."

Ender still didn't answer.

"I know you've been through a lot, Ender. I know how you feel. I miss them too-"

Ender rounded in her, his expression full of pained anger and sorrow.
"Don't. You may have your problems, Penelope. You may have things you regret, but you will never understand." How could she understand what it was like to have the blood of billions of lives on her hands?

"This is torture, for me, Penelope! Every day I have to remember what I've done. The people I've lost." Tears again ran down his cheeks and his voice broke. He put his head in his hands, his body shuddering.

His voice softened.
"You can't understand." He said, his voice muffled. "I look at Meiji, and I see Alai. They look so different, but they speak the same. They act the same. I can't escape."

When Penelope finally spoke, she sounded angry.
"When I look at Meiji, I see a monster. I don't see how you could ever trust someone so foul."

Ender didn't lift his head.
"What did he do to you?" He asked, referring to Muhammad.

"Let me ask you this, Ender. Do you know how many times I had to save your sister from being raped when we were on that ship? Do you have any idea?"

Ender's breath caught in his throat. He couldn't speak.

"That's right. You don't know. You didn't even ask." Ender could hear her voice wavering. He thought he was being empathetic by not asking. Now he realized that that's what he would have wanted. Not her.

He lifted his head.
"I'm sorry." He whispered, placing his hands on his lap.

"Did he, you know..." He trailed off, unable to finish his sentence.

"Touch me? Yeah. But I don't just lay down and her him. How the hell do you think I got so beat up?"

Ender could feel guilt tear at his heart.
"I'm so sorry. I should have protected you. I should have... known." It hurt. It hurt in his chest. A staying pain that only got worse the more he thought. He should have protected her.

She was so young. Younger than Ender. Only eleven. To be violated at such an age... How could it have happened? How could Ender have prevented it?

"Stop it. Whatever you're thinking, stop."

Ender turned to look at her.

"I'm fine. You can't keep blaming yourself for every awful thing that happens around you. Just let it go."

Ender shook his head, a sarcastic laughed escaping his lips.
"Not my fault? It's not my fault? I'm the one who brought you into this mess. Hell, you were on the damn ship because of me. Don't tell me it's not my fault."

She pulled him close roughly by his collar, her grip strong.
"I was the one who made the decision to board that ship. I was the one who followed you. This is the result of my actions and you are not going to take the fucking blame." By the end of it, her voice began to crack and tears pooled in her eyes.

Penelope's grip loosened and she laid her head on his chest, her body heaving in sobs.

Ender placed a hand gently on her back. She was so young, carrying such a heavy burden.

If not for the circumstances, Ender would have laughed.

I'm such a hypocrite.

____ ____ ____

Hello, my babies!

This chapter is a little depressing, but it was requested. Ender is going through some shit and so is Penelope.

Please stay safe during the quarantine and have a lovely day!