A world apart

Part 17

Franco

I told her everything. I revealed everything. I told her the truth. I told her all the lies I spitted out. I told her who I truly am.

Her eyes were wet. I couldn’t bear to see her cry. I don’t want those beautiful eyes to tear for me. I left her. Again. I left her over and over again and I’m mad at myself because I had to do it. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to stay away from her. But that’s the right thing to do.

 I told myself that I did the right thing of pushing her – of letting her go.

You did the right thing. You did the right thing.

 I keep telling that to myself.

I can still remember the last night that we spent. It wasn’t perfect at all.

 After I told her everything, she sat still next to me. Her shoulders rise every time she sobs. It sucks. It sucks to know that I should stop myself from comforting her or else I won’t be able to let go. I won’t be able to stay away.

“… so that’s everything you need to know.” I said. My tears trace my cheeks. I keep on wiping them away, trying not to look stupid. She wasn’t looking at me. Her head’s down. Her fist pressed hard on her lap.

 Don’t touch her. Don’t wrap her around your arms. Don’t pull her close to you. Don’t. Stop yourself, Franco.

My body was shaking. I need to stop myself. I need to force my muscles not to move even a single inch.

 It was silent. She didn’t say anything. I stared at her. There was pain pouring over me. She’s crying because of me. I sat still next to her. My chest heaving as I bit my lip hard to stop the tears from falling. I hurt her. I hurt her.

 

It seemed to be the time that I should leave. She hadn’t say anything for almost half an hour. And I just sat there, waiting for her to say something. To hate me. To curse me. To say unpleasing words about how I messed her up. Hoping to hear her voice for one last time. But there was nothing.

 Not until I force myself to stood up and walk away.

 “You should’ve – “Breathe. “ – told me earlier.” She finished.

 I froze. I can feel the pain in her voice. A tear fell.

 “You should’ve left earlier. You should’ve pushed me away rather than pulling me close.” She sobbed. “You had a lot of chance to leave me. You could’ve left me and never come back.” She inhaled. “You should not have said that you love me. You shouldn’t have kissed me. You shouldn’t have …”

 You shouldn’t have said that you love me. You shouldn’t have kissed me.

 The words echoed in my head. She was still talking but I can’t hear it anymore. I curled my fist so hard that I can feel my nails sinking to my skin. I closed my eyes and felt the pain struck right into my chest – right to my heart.

 And I wasn’t able to stop myself. I turned to her and didn’t think twice and wrapped her in my arms. I pulled her close.

 “I’m sorry.” Was all I could say.

 She tried to push me away but I tightened my grip until she gave up and let herself melt into my chest. Her face sunk into my shoulders. I felt the tears. I felt her fist on my chest. I let her cry. I ran a hand on her hair.

 “I’m sorry.” I kept on whispering to her.

 Minutes after, her breathing started to slow down, started to calm down. She stopped crying. I loosen my grip around her and this time. I gently pulled her away holding both of her shoulders. I tried to look straight to her eyes but she doesn’t want to. She wiped her eyes using the back of her hand.

 “You should leave.” She said, without even raising her head to me.

“Hey.”

“Franco. You should leave. .” She repeated. “Leave and this time never come back.” She inhaled sharply. “I’m begging you to leave me because this doesn’t have anything worth fighting for.” She’s shaking her head.

I moved away from her. She’s right.  I walked to the window. I stood staring outside. My back facing her. It’s dawn, maybe around 2 or 3 in the morning. 

“Could I just say something before I leave?” I said before I move closer to the window.

 “I don’t need to hear any of your lies and I’ve had enough. I don’t –“

“I meant it when I said I love you.” I cut her off. I faced her. She’s staring at me. Her eyes were tired, red, and swollen. I saw the pain in her eyes. The tears that she’s forcing not to roll down. She was messed up. Her hair was hanging. Her expression was pained.

“I meant the kiss.” I added. She was biting her lips so hard that it was shaking. Those lips.

She looked down and I turned around. I walked close to the window, the only portal that connected us. I held the panes before I take a step out then …

 Her lips were pressed against mine. Her arms around my neck pulling me close. It was a soft kiss. For a second, I forgot what I was supposed to do. I wrapped my arms around her waist pulling her close. Letting the warmth of her body wrap around mine. Then she let go.

 I opened my eyes and found her gasping for air in front of me. Her hands rested on my shoulders. My hands still holding her waist. Her eyes were closed but there were tears streaking down her face. She bit her lips harshly. “I meant that.” She whispered still her eyes closed, the way she always does.

 Her hands slowly went down and stopped at my chest. My heart was pounding. Her palm rested on my chest. I was breathing hard. I looked at her hands then her face and her eyes were open. She was staring at her hand, laid on my chest. Then she looked at me.

 “You can now leave.” Was the last thing I heard.

 And I felt the force. She pushed me away, just enough for me back a few steps closer to the window. Then she turned her back, walk away and turns the light off and her silhouette walked to her bed and went under the covers. Then I left. And never returned.