STUPIDITY

Coming Out

CHAPTER 1 : COMING OUT

Hi! I'm Seth. My story is not a typical one you can find here.

I was 14 at that time, when it started out as a feeling. A feeling of love, joy and fulfillment which then grew into something much more. I was a high school student during those days when I started doing something which is socially considered wrong. I grew an interest for the same sex. Society tells us that attraction to the same sex is immoral, unusual and wrong. I knew I was a boy but I wasn't oriented that it works that way unlike others.

During my high school years I went through experimentations, I gave into my curiosities and attractions. Then eventually I could say I fell in love but it did not seem different or unusual for me.

I met this boy during my junior year (Grade 9), we were both 14.

I still remember him...

He was cute,
he smells good,

he was neat,
a tad shorter than me,

He was thin like a potato fries;

and he had these dazzling eyes.

Eyes that I grew very fond of staring while we talk.
His lips we're as pink almost as a newborn child.

His skin color - not so dark nor white,
perfect for a man like him.

His hair was soft like a petal,

straight and black, which suites his student haircut.

He was my seatmate.

We talked a lot during discussions and often we even got into trouble for talking by our teachers. Sometimes we spent our recess together. He taught me math and helped me out with experiments in our chemistry class. I could say that we were good friends.

A few months have passed, I felt something within me and I knew I was falling for him. Whenever I see him my heart abruptly pounds in joy. When I think of him I find myself with a smirk. Whenever he sent me messages my mood brightens. I wasn't expecting that as the first feeling of being in love. Though I have a lot of guy friends but it is not the same feeling when it comes to him.

Then came that fateful day.

It was Friday when our laboratory activities (inside our laboratory books) were requested by our teacher for a checking on Monday. Fate is truly playful that just that time I realized I lost mine, my entire book. I was so disappointed in myself. I was aware that losing the book means losing scores in those activities and that can negatively affect my grades in chemistry.

I was tensed for Monday. I just could not come up with a valid reason enough to get me out of trouble for losing my book. I can't even remember the last time I used it. I did not get enough sleep during the following weekend because I was looking for it everywhere. I didn't tell my mom that I lost it.

Monday came and I went to school frustrated, disappointed, just facing and accepting my fate where it would have led me. I was spacing out in the classroom and something caught my eye, suddenly I my seatmate's opened bag a book was poking out with my name written on the upper side ( I put my name top portion of everything that I have names on my pens as well incase that I would lose them). In mind this was constantly circling, "There it goes that boy has my book inside his bag! All this time He did not even text me during weekends!." I was upset and completely mad at him.

The bell rings...

Everyone is coming back from the chemistry lab, and when I saw him I almost punched him in the face.

Me: All this time you had my book and you didn't even tried to tell me!!!?

Him: I was planning to return it!

Me: You know I was looking for it the whole time! But no!!!! You didn't even care!

Him: I was just copying some answers on your book! (He's voice is starting to sound mad)

Me: I WAS PLANNING ON PUNCHING YOU IN THE FACE BUT I CANT! BECAUSE YOU'RE MY FRIEND AND YOU'RE SPECIAL THAN MY BESTFRIENDS!

CLASSMATES: WHAT! SPECIAL?

HIM: SORRY!

That moment changed my entire life in high school. My schoolmates would often bully me, calling me names like "FAGGOT!", "BAYOT!" AND "MONNGO!". I am not the type of person who has good looks. They said my head and face is too small for my body, and that it did not complement my being.

One time, I was going home when I'm about to pick my bag I noticed that it was heavier. I opened my bag finding two big rocks. I felt hurt inside from being treated like this. When I got home I cried a lot in our bathroom. I pretended to take a shower so that my mother would not notice my sobbing. I deeply regret saying that to him and to everyone that got to hear it, I accidentally put myself in a situation where everyone hates me of being gay.

Though I still have friends left, I became silent. I then distanced myself from others in the classroom. I was not planning on talking to him anytime soom and so was him towards me.

From then on I promised myself, if someone will bully me I will take revenge. One day as I walked through the corridor someone called me "THE GREAT PRETENDER BITCH!" and that's a guy named David, he's one of the known bullies in our batch. Before the flag ceremony started everyone assembled in the field. I went to the restroom and got back to our classroom to get his fucking bag! (our room was in the second floor of the building) I opened his bag and OLA! I TOSSED EVERYTHING OUT IN JUST A MINUTE my sweet revenge. Every content in the bag was scattered everywhere on the floor and desks. When everyone went back in the classroom David noticed his things were scattered and in no doubt he was sure it was me. He was extremely aggravated we fought he punched me in the face which is part of the plan to let everyone see it, and I let him punch me everywhere on my body. He got my cheek bruised and he got expelled. The plan was successful.

[NARRATION]

Yup everyone knew I'm gay but it's hard to tell my parents that I'm gay. It's like exposing a ten year-old to porn.
[END OF NARRATION]

It was the annual town celebration, when one of my friends that is also my classmate shouted "HEY FAGGOT! GET THE HELL OUT OF YOUR HOUSE OR IM TELLING YOUR DAD YOU'RE GAY!" it so happened that we were planning to have a little drink outside and my Dad heard all of it!

My dad got insanely mad of what he heard! He forced me to pray the rosary and made me kneel salt grains (I WAS LIKE BURNING IN HELL WHEN I WAS KNEELING). My mom couldn't stop my dad. I finished praying the rosary and my knees were bleeding. My father told me this!

"YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S OK BEING GAY WHAT IS NOT OK IS THAT IF YOU KEEP ON LYING TO YOURSELF AND TO US. JUST DONT ACT LIKE A SLUT LIKE WHAT OTHERS DO."

[NARRATION]

So yeah, my coming out is not the typical story that you've heard.

It all happened because I was stupid enough to say that to someone that he is special for me. It was a STUPID LOVE but that stupidity got me my first wisdom that my parents told me. And I was stupid enough that a boy whose named ACE had the same thing about me which was my 1st love and my seatmate.

Growing up in a stern institution with strong moral beliefs and values that does not agree with my identity was not that easy to begin with. Discrimination were everywhere. The discipline is a virtue and the act is a must. I can only recall the pain that I cannot erase in mind. There is more of the pain than happiness in an institution like this. Though I gain a lot of wisdom from my experience when making decisions in life. Still, no one deserve to be treated such to the point that you would end up hating what you are.

[END OF NARRATION]