anathema. ✓

five

[ may 11, 20 ; present ]

long, slender fingers fiddled nervously with smaller, sweatier ones. taehyung was chewing nervously on his lower lip. the call with his mother had only caused a nail-biting panic to rise within taehyung, forcing out any calm thoughts that he might have had the day before. he had spent the rest of the day yesterday so focused on organizing and exterminating whatever bugs he could find that he hadn't had time to think of the various outcomes that would come with mrs. kim's visit. the only thing keeping him from bouncing off of the walls was jeongguk's steady heart beat.

his boyfriend had been unnervingly silent for the past couple of days. he was moving along with life slowly, like the wind was blowing and pulling him along without him lifting a single muscle to do so himself. it was strange, to say the least. jeongguk has never, not once, been like this. he was always open with taehyung, and always working hard on whatever projects he had assigned for himself. the brunette wasn't sure what to do with this new version of his boyfriend, and how to get the old one back.

maybe, when all of this was over, he'd spend a little extra money to get jeongguk the break he needed.

a rhythmic knock at the door captured taehyung's attention. taehyung left jeongguk seated on the side of their bed and stepped into the hallway, calling out for his mom to open the door, it had been unlocked since early that morning. (taehyung had woken up at five, just to make sure everything was tidied up a bit more than usual to impress his mom.)

the lovely woman greeted him with a tight, yet warm, embrace. her jewelry clinked together softly as she pressed her cheek right up against his. this was how they usually greeted each other, but for some reason it felt much different this time. like there was some unseen emotions hiding deep within the hug.

"this is perhaps," his mom began, stepping away from the hug, tears teasing to fall from her eyes, "the most worried i've been about you since you moved out. oh, but it's so good to see you, honey."

"it's... good to see you too, mom." taehyung offered her the best smile he could, though it wasn't as genuine as he had hoped it would be. something about this visit seemed off. it seemed completely wrong, that his mom would be so worried about him all of a sudden. it was terrifying to taehyung, for some strange reason. "do you want to go say hi to jeongguk?"

the tears began to stream down her cheeks. they fell slowly, but it was still noticeable to bother taehyung. he was a family guy, and seeing someone he loved so dearly cry so calmly pained him. why had the mention of jeongguk upset her so much? was she sad about her son being gay? had she been hiding her emotions all along, and was just now showing her true colors because maybe, perhaps, jeongguk had said something to her that she didn't much like?

she shook her head, declining taehyung's request to even greet his boyfriend. "honey, jeongguk isn't here."

"what do you mean?" taehyung asked. his eyebrows knitted together, the boy took another step back from his mother. the floorboard creaked beneath the weight of his feet, louder than it had ever been before. what is she saying? "of course he's here, he's sitting in the-"

"taehyung, honey, jeongguk died a year ago."

the world fell apart around him. his lungs cracked, his heart shattered into a million pieces.

she was lying. she had to be. this was a sick prank, and any moment now she would burst out laughing and jeongguk would come in from the bedroom just as confused as he was.

but she wasn't laughing. she was sobbing, loud enough that hurt taehyung's ears. his head was going to explode from the overwhelming amount of booming sounds that echoed through his eardrums, pounding against his temples harshly. but the bedroom was silent.

the bedroom was silent.

gently shoving his mother away, and muttering a barage of 'no's beneath his breath, taehyung threw the bedroom open. he wasn't sure what he was expecting to see. maybe to see jeongguk staring at him, or sleeping. or writing a song on a worn piece of paper in the least crowded corner of the room.

but the room was void of any signs of life. 'euphoria' sat still on the bed, tear stains littering the paper and causing the ink to bleed in ugly patterns. were those his tears, or jeongguk's? and where had the younger gone?

there was no way this was actually happening.

no, it had to be a dream.

but he had been playing with jeongguk's fingers earlier, and they felt so real. all ten of his fingers had been there, all ten of jeongguk's fingers were there. it couldn't be a dream.

nothing made sense to him anymore. jeongguk shouldn't be gone, he wouldn't be. the younger had promised to him that they would be together forever, and forever hadn't passed yet, had it? he couldn't break his promise now, not so early.

did taehyung get to kiss him goodbye? did he get to tell him he loved? how had he lived for a year without knowing? how had jeongguk died? why couldn't he remember anything? was this a dream, or was he living this? if he was living this, he didn't want to be any longer. his life revolved around jeongguk, around his emotions and words and actions.

"we wanted to get a therapist to help you cope, or to at least find someone you could go to if you had thoughts of harming yourself or taking your life." his mom's arms laced around him from behind. he wanted to throw up. this was too sad, too heartwrenching, to be a dream. "after your boyfriend took his life, we all became worried about you, but i didn't know that this was the reason why. i'm sorry, honey. i should have come sooner."

took his life.

the only person who had a hand in the boy's fate was his own, and there was a chance taehyung could have helped him. how had he not noticed something was wrong with jeongguk beforehand? he was a terrible boyfriend, and it didn't help that he was mad at the younger, for taking his own life.

the note that was resting in the top drawer of the kitchen cabinets is what drove him over the edge.

that night, when he slept at the hotel with his mom, taehyung didn't wake up the next morning.

anathema - end.

1,125 words