Who We are Meant to Be

Face to Face

Marc
The moment I woke up that morning I was on edge. The day had finally arrived. No matter how many times I planned what I was going to say, I knew it would all fly out of my head the moment we met up. Time seemed to move at a snail's pace as I got ready that morning and I had been too anxious to sleep soundly so I looked a mess, and knew eating anything would be a bad decision. Before it was even 8 am I had gotten ready and was pacing anxiously around my house just waiting for an appropriate time to leave.

I had talked to Bettina the night before, filling her in on what I learned and confirming our plans. She had seemed pleased and calm- through this whole thing I had learned a new appreciation for the woman I had once been in a relationship with. Though I wasn't in love with her and realized I may never have been fully- I still loved her and she was still important to me. Her opinion and thoughts, her feelings were important to me. Too late were the revelations I had made in the last few months. She was supportive, rather having a content man help her raise Benno than one who could barely hold himself together.

Making it to the café was easy, the morning rush being over. I was still over ten minutes early but took that as an advantage because I could get a drink and find a place to sit where I could watch for Kay's arrival. They had a basic menu which I appreciated and an open area with a bar table lining the front windows- perfect to watch passing traffic. I scanned the room making sure that he hadn't arrived and was tucked away somewhere I hadn't noticed and took stock of the other patrons (a habit from all of the security training).

I chose a seat at a high table away from the door to limit noise though still facing the windows, and closer to a quiet corner so as to not be overheard or disturbed. The coffee in my hand was bracing and I clung to it like a lifeline each time a new person walked past the café. That person was his height but the wrong build, the next had short blond hair but was too stocky. Then there was a group of girls who should have probably been in school and not wandering the city. Looking to my watch I saw it was 9 exactly and still no Kay.
What had I been expecting- him to be as nervous as I was? Kay ran on his own time, his own plan and answered to no one. The seconds ticked by painfully slowly, my coffee losing its steam gradually, and I had yet to take a sip. It approached 9:07 and I grew more anxious than I had thought possible. Had he changed his mind?

One of the servers came by to offer more coffee before seeing y still full cup. My attention diverted for that moment, of course, was the moment that Kay decided to appear. I just glimpsed him as he walked in the door looking around- presumably for me. The server stood at just the right position that he couldn't see me immediately and that gave me a moment to observe him.

He hadn't changed at all, still as intoxicating as he always had been. He seemed tired for sure, maybe a little thinner. I hated myself to think that it had been my fault he hadn't been eating properly. Through my inspection, I could see the exact moment he spotted me, and the look in his eyes. The look was not something I expected to see. I expected anger, disappointment, pain, disgust, hatred even. What I actually saw- and it could have been my wishful thinking- was a flash of joy. Yes, there was pain and a shadow, but he mostly looked- dare I say- happy- to see me.

Kay
I was running late. Of all days to run late, it had to be the day that would decide an important part of my future. Dietrich had been up late, not feeling well and had kept both Mia and me up too far into the night. And to make matters worse, we both forgot to set an alarm. She was going to be running late for her meeting (though thankfully it didn't start until 9:30) and I was running late to meet with Marc.

The whole way I practically ran down the sidewalk from the hotel, hoping he was still there. I didn't even have time to be nervous, too focused on getting there before the chance was lost. I was at least 10 minutes late and Marc had never been the most patient of people. What was I thinking? He was the one who should apologize, not me. So what if I was late- it was up to him to make an effort. With that thought, I had reached the door to the café. Taking a steadying breath, I gripped the metal handle and pulled the door open.
I looked around the room, wanting to at least greet him before going to get a drink. There was no immediate sight of him and my heart fell until one of the servers moved back toward the back of the shop and I saw Marc sitting at a tall table tucked in a corner near the windows. He had to have seen me coming. Despite myself, a small grin grew on my face. No matter how angry I wanted to be, it just wasn't there. Seeing him for the first time in months had me feeling all sorts of things I didn't want to think about. He looked about as worn as I knew I did but still as handsome.

Wanting to give us both a moment to collect our thoughts, I went to the counter to order my own coffee. I had just noticed that my hands had begun to shake and realized how nervous I felt. I was seeing the person I loved for the first time in months after things had ended so horribly. What was going to happen? What should I say? What would he say? My normal confidence eluded me and I felt like a teenager with my first crush all over again.

I took my cup with shaking hands and nodded to the server before slowly making my way back to the table Marc was at. It was a miracle I didn't spill my coffee with how badly my hands were shaking. The 'moment of truth' had arrived. We had each been dancing around this for so long that, now that it was happening, it didn't seem real.

Neither one of us was sure what to do, but I knew that going anywhere near Marc without the table between us would be a bad idea. No, it was better to just set my cup down and sit as far back across the table as I could. We sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity, just staring at each other, not quite believing that we were in the same space again after everything.

Marc
From the time he sat I was scrambling, my brain felt like a tangled mess. What could I say? Mia's words from our first meeting came back to me. At one point I had been worth the effort to Kay, and he was worth the effort to me, I had to give him my all from that new chance. There he was, waiting for me even though I didn't deserve it- not anymore. This couldn't be about me anymore, it had to be about us.

'I... I'm sorry,' Arguably some of the hardest words to say (right there next to 'I love you' ) finally came out. They didn't even come close to all that I owed Kay. 'I'm sorry for everything.'

Hurt flashed across his eyes before I realized what I had said. 'Not everything. I would never trade our time together for anything. I'm sorry for being so blind to what you needed.' That had to be the most words I had said in one sentence when I wasn't raging angrily- to be honest, even then I don't think I'd said as much at once- and the shock showed clearly on his face.

I decided to keep going on the roll I had going before I could talk myself out of it. 'I tried to convince myself that I was doing what was best for you. It took me way too long to realize that I was just protecting myself, to protect what I thought I wanted. What I didn't realize until too late was that you were what I wanted- no matter what.' I took a deep breath, finally drinking from my (by then) cold coffee. Who knew I could make a speech like that? We seemed to have switched roles.

Kay's face was still annoyingly unreadable and it scared me. What if I couldn't do it? What if I had no chance? After another beat of silence, I added, 'I just had to see you, tell you how sorry I am. How much hurt I caused you and everyone around me with not being honest with myself. You asked me once if I had considered leaving it all behind and I answered no. That was a lie... not at the time, I believed it then, but I didn't realize how much I really did want things to be different. You meant... you mean so much to me, if there is any chance we can even be friends, I just want... I want to be as near to you as I can. I know that may not be possible. I can't imagine how much I hurt you, but if it's anything like I have been feeling it has to be bad. We don't have to do or be anything you don't want to, but just know that I will give anything to even be in your vicinity again. I... love you.'

Once again it was silent, but I was out of words. I couldn't think of a time in my life when I had spoken half as many words, though I meant each and every one of them. We both sipped at our coffees, glancing around the café as patrons moved in and out, thankfully none coming too close. It was like we were in a bubble, no one even glancing in our direction.

Finally, painfully, Kay spoke one word. 'No.'

Notes:

We are nearing the end. 1 or 2 more chapters are what I have had planned out, and I'm not sure how far past that I want to go. We'll see when we get there, shall we?