Still Feel Half Alive

All I See

Everything sucked.

That is what he'd come to the conclusion to in the 21 years he had been alive. Nothing good ever seemed to happen. And he could say that because he saw it, saw the bad things before they even happened and there was nothing he could do about it.

Jeremiel called it a gift.

A gift that he had been given at birth. He could see into the future of anyone whom he touched. Whether it be a hug, kiss, handshake or a punch that was all he needed to see the a brief future for the unsuspecting people.

And most of it sucked. Car accidents and surgeries and deaths and disappointments and rejections. He got tired of it all if he was honest with himself. The world was full of so much suffering and there was nothing he could do to stop it, just blindly watch and pray.

In the beginning of his life it had been even harder to deal with this information. He couldn't very well go to a therapist or psychiatrist because what would he tell them? He'd only get himself shacked up in a psych ward. 

So he'd learned how to deal with it on his own. Learned not to gasp every time the barista handed him his coffee or scream when he brushed hands with someone on the bus.

He'd let himself draw about it, he drew everything he saw and it was one small reminder that what he saw was real.

"John?"

He started in his seat taking in gulps of air because of the sudden fright and swallowed once to calm himself. "Yes father i'm here."

The priest in the booth next to him murmured something that John could not make out before he spoke more clearly. "You have something to confess?" 

"Y...yes father." He wrung his hands. "Two weeks ago father i coveted."

"What did you covet John?" The priests voice was comforting.

"A man's life father. I wished to have the kind of life he had."

He did this on the daily. Wishing he hadn't been saddled with this so called gift, wish he could live blissfully unaware like the rest of society. 

"Why my son?"

John took another breath. "Because he had what i did not."

And it was true, the man was normal. And he wanted to be normal.

"What did he have that you do not?"

This is when John left, because he could not say what he meant without sounding crazy. Without sounding possessed or unfaithful or unappreciative of his gift.

"I'm sorry father." He stood and shoved open the door of his booth and stumbled into the church.

"John wait!" He could hear fumbling from the priests booth but he was already out the door and down the steps before he could be stopped. He didn't know why he came to confession anymore he stopped going to church 3 years ago.

"Because you miss it."

"Oh shut up!" He hissed. The angel Jeremiel had been in his head ever since he could remember to. As a kid he used to see the angel beside him but he had convinced himself it was imaginary. But the voice had stayed.

"You do. You still believe in everything you've been taught and you've turned your back on it John."

"And whose fault is that!" He snapped. "I hate my life and it's because of you!"

Thankfully the angel doesn't answer and John continues down the street. Unfortunately he cannot see how his life with end. He wishes he could so that he would know when this suffering will end. He's being punished, he knows it. Punished for what he doesn't know.

John tried his best to stay away from other people which was actually the exact opposite of how he'd been as a kid, super social and always running around at the park or parties looking for someone to talk to. 

He'd touched kids and seen friends. He'd seen them grow up and drift away. He had one friend who hadn't drifted away however. Gilbert Lafayette whom he hardly saw anymore because of the visions an because of the voices.

"You should write to him."

He really should, Laf had been nice to him when he'd been having trouble dealing with the so called gift.

His walk led him back to his town home. A little community house he lived in while residing in New York. Managed by a woman named Ms. Judison who cooked John's meals and gave him a place to stay.

He trooped up the perfect green front lawn and painted a smile on his face, Ms. J was always so happy to see him. And she fed him sandwiches all day, she was such a sweet lady.

"Jackie you're back!" He comforting voice followed by her plump form trotted into the room and affectionately she pinched his cheek.

He smiled and batted her hand away. "Hi Ms. J yeah confession was shorter than i thought."

"Are you hungry?" She asked clasping her hands together. She always asked him this and John smiled.

"A little."

Her hands fluttered like birds while she turned towards the kitchen I've just chilled some turkey sandwiches let me wrap up a few for you before you go out."

John paused in his act of taking off his boots to stare at her. "Go out?" He asked.

She paused her fluttering to reach into her apron pocket. "Oh yes this letter just came for you in the mail." She passed it to him.

He ran his finger along the torn flap of the envelope and shot her an accusing look. "It's open."

Ms. J blushed. "It's from your french friend, i remember you haven't talked in a while so i just wanted to make sure everything was alright." She was gone into the kitchen before he could respond.

He leaned against the wall as he opened the envelope and creamy paper fell into his palm. Lafayette's loopy handwriting greeted him.

Dear John,
Eager to tell you all about France. I miss you my friend. Meet me at 3:30 at the Lucky Tavern in town to chat.

-Lafayette

John smiled and shook his head while Ms. J exited the kitchen with a cloth bundle which she handed to John. "There you are dear, now go meet with your friends and have a nice time."

John shoved the parcel into his pocket and smiled. "Sure Ms. J don't wait up for me okay?"

She winked and tapped his head. "I know what kind of business you get into you ruffian. Have the fathers of this town locking up their daughters won't you?"

John shrugged as he turned back towards the front door. "We'll see."