Forgetting Astrid Manoban

001

001

"Are you visiting her today?" My sister Bea asked me. Remembering the day today, I was already feeling heavy. A heavy feeling on my chest. Hindi ko nga alam kung paano ko kinakaya ang bawat anniversary na sinasalubong ko magisa.

"Of course," I answered her. "Even if it pains me, I will."

We were sitting on the bench near to her house. Nakitulog ako sakanila kagabi dahil mas malapit ang simenteryo na pinaglibingan ni Elly dito. I moved to Manila when she died. I started a new life there. I really wanted to forget, not her, but the pain.

"Samahan kita?" tanong nya sakin.

Umiling ako. "It's fine, I want to be alone."

She nodded. Pinanuod lang namin ang mga tao na dumaan sa harapan naming dalawa. Some were walking their dogs, some were doing jogs, and some were just simply living. It's 8 o' clock in the morning, hindi pa mainit sa labas kaya maraming tao.

I'll go to the cemetery at 4 o' clock in the afternoon so the sun won't be too harsh.

"It's been four years, Leanna," panimula nya. "How do you cope with it?" tanong nya.

Huminga ako nang malalim. Searching for the answer I can say. How do I cope with it? I don't know.

"Hindi ko alam," sagot ko. "But, I'll get there. I can't be forever stuck like this, Bea. Hindi 'yon pwede."

She put her one hand around my shoulder and pulled me closer to her. "I'll be with you on the process," she said. Bea has been always there for me since day one. The day I lost everything, the day I lost Elly, she was there. Sya naging sandalan ko. I'm lucky to have such sister like her.

After few minutes of silence, we decided to go back at her house to eat and rest. She has her own family already. Mas matanda ako sakanya ng isang taon. She's married and has one baby daughter named Kia. Her family is a picture perfect for me. Natutuwa akong panuorin silang masaya at kumpleto sa harapan ko.

Umakyat ako sa taas papunta sa guests room nila, dito ako natutulog kapag bumibisita rito. I decided to sleep while waiting for the sun to come down. I'm still tired, pagod pa rin ako sa byahe kahapon. I'll be leaving the house at 3:30 PM.

I woke up from a 5 hours sleep. Pagmulat ko ng mata ko ay nasa kwarto si Bea habang inaayos ang mga gamit ko. Nakakalat pa kasi ang damit ko sa sahig dahil masyado na akong pagod kagabi para magayos pa.

"Hey," tawag ko sakanya. "Ako na dyan mamaya," sambit ko.

Pero ipinagpatuloy nyo lang ang pagtutupi sa mga damit ko. "Maligo kana, kaya ko na 'to," she said.

Knowing how stubborn she is, hindi ko na sya pinilit. Konti lang naman ang dinala kong gamit dahil bukas babalik na rin ako sa manila. I left some meetings for this day. It would be surely extra busy for me tomorrow when I get back.

After I shower, maayos na ang kwarto ko. Bea doesn't like mess and dirts. I smirked at the thought. "Such a neat freak," I whispered.

Nagsuot lang ako ng pants at white blouse. It was Elly's gift to me on my 20th birthday. I decided to wear it as it's her 4th death anniversary and our 8th anniversary today. I checked my reflection on the mirror. Itinali ko lang ang buhok ko pataas. Hindi na ako nagayos. Bibisita ako ng patay, para saan pa 'yon?