No words I write will ever describe
The feelings I have felt,
The sights I have seen,
The pain I have gone through,
The fight I am fighting.
I am tired of being alone,
But at the same time that's all I want to be.
I'm stuck between "someone please love me"
And "I need to isolate myself from everything."
I'm unsteady,
Please hold me,
Tell me I'm worth more
Than a label society sticks on me,
Than the names I cam called,
By those who I thought cared about me.
And what happens when your house,
Is the farthest thing from feeling like home?
My safe place is nowhere.
I'm not safe with myself,
Let alone in a building where the halls,
Are war zones where I need to focus on
Staying alive and avoiding the bombs,
Instead of learning things that will lead me to great places,
Further in life.
If I can even get there.
Because one of these days
I wont be able to escape a bomb thrown at me
And it will hit me right in the heart
And everything around me will collapse
Leaving another poor soul who killed himself,
And couldn’t keep up the fight,
Because his strength was stripped away,
When he was told "No" everyday.
When it got to the point
Where pill popping couldn’t stop anything
Where nightmares were happier than living everyday life.
I have confronted death twice.
When it wanted to take away my friend,
And when it wanted to take me away.
The only difference is,
Is that my friend didn't want to die,
She didn't have a choice to decide between life and death.
Death confronted her.
But when death comes for you, and you want it,
It doesn't look you in the eye.
You must confront death yourself,
Look into its eyes.
You need to want it.
Death itself is not scary
Its what happens afterwards.
Leaving everyone on earth to mourn for someone,
Who they though they could've helped.
But the reality is it that if I wanted someone’s help,
I would ask for it.
People don't need everyone’s help.
Not a lot of people can actually help someone.
We seek out the people we know can help,
And turn away those who hurt us.
But sometimes it's not enough.
I am a different human,
1 part Male
1 part Female.
Everyday my thoughts bombard me,
That I will never become fully man,
And that I will never be happy.
If I could know my future,
Then that would be the factor that determines,
Whether I live a full life,
Or whether I die today.
I want to know what hope feels like.
I want to know what its like to be happy.
Happiness and hope are two things,
I wish I could feel.
But I can't control,
My brains chemical imbalances,
That cause me to have an illness,
That people consider not a big deal
And can be cured by a few sessions,
With a person you don't even want to go to.
Depression is treated like it can be cured,
By the items in a first aid kit,
And by a degree someone paid thousands for.
But help comes from those who we want it from,
Those who we feel a connection with.
They could be anyone,
Just not someone who gets paid to talk to you and pretend they care,
When all they really care about
Is hoping that their patients don’t kill themselves.
I can never escape,
Or hide from myself.
My brain is filled with these things,
That intoxicate my body, and never leave...
Thoughts.
The only thing I fear in this world is myself,
And what lies inside my head.
I have a personality made up of tests and pills,
Hoping to cure problems that can't be healed.
And when someone breaks,
Is anyone there to hear?
How can I hold my stance if everyone around me wants to break it?
But guess what?
Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But words will always hurt me more then a body full of broken bones.
So next time you call someone a name other then what they ask to be called,
You hurt them more than a body of broken bones,
And damn, that hurts.
It hurts more than anything.
But how would I know?
I've gotten called everything there was in the dictionary of assholes.
And I'm one match away from setting off TNT lit on both ends of me.
