Happy Ending (Or Was It?)

Chapter 5

I barge into my room with a journal in my hand and the mixed emotions of anger and sadness. Closing the door slowly, my knees felt weak, causing me to kneel down. Not knowing what to do, my eyes began to become watery, making tears roll down my face. I didn't think of anything but only questions due to disbelief.

I couldn't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I don't want to believe it.

But thinking about it made me produce more tears and sniffling. I lie down on the floor and just cried there. My mascara was all over my face as if it was done by a child. The paws of my yellow sweater, wet and smudged with mascara from rubbing my eyes, trying to dry my eyes from all my tears. My pink-dyed hair looked as if it had never been combed for a week, or maybe even more than that.

After trying to steady my shaky breath, I was beginning to feel tired. I didn't want to think anymore, I just wanted peace. Yet my mind keeps me up with the words "What happened?" "Why did that happen?" "Is it my fault?" "What did I do?" "Where did I go wrong?" All of those thoughts came in taking over my mind, it was just like war and I was losing.

Why.. just why?!?

A loud wail I let out once again from those thoughts. This feeling of hopelessness, I couldn't accept it. This has been the worst pain I've experienced in my whole life. I wish I never met you, but at the same time I'm so glad I did. My eyes were like waterfalls thinking about you. I miss you so much already.

When will you come back? I'm becoming impatient, I want to see you again. When can I see you again? Where can I see you again? How will I see you again? Those questions would never stop coming to my mind. It felt like my room will become like the Pacific ocean because of my crying. The thoughts couldn't stop and the tears wouldn't either.

Trying to stand slowly, grabbing on the doorknob for support. I felt weak, then felt weaker realizing that I couldn't protect him. Breaking down, once again. "Xavier, sorry I'm so weak" I struggle to say due to how much sobbing and crying I am doing. He wouldn't be happy with me looking like this. But I couldn't help it, it hurt so much. I couldn't accept the fact that I lost him.

I lie down on my bed not knowing what to do but just made rivers from my eyes. It felt like I was losing hope. This feeling that felt like I had no more hope. Feeling nothing but just sadness. Staring at the green glow in the dark stars on the dark, white ceiling. I raise the journal in my hand and looked at it. The cover was gray and it looked like the journal Xavier had when we were in 2nd grade.

I stare at the cover, my eyes becoming more watery. Suddenly, there was a knock coming from my door. The door creaked open and came a soft, concerned voice that said, "Charlotte sweetie, are you okay?" Staying silent I did nothing but just looked at the gray journal I was holding. Then putting the journal down to use my hands as a 'handkerchief' in order to wipe my endless tears.

No.. I'm not okay. Was what I wanted to say. But I couldn't. I didn't have the energy to speak. Even if I did try to speak no one would be able to understand it because of the hiccups and shakiness of my voice. "What happened?" The soft concerned voice that belonged to my mother asked. Just listening to my mother's voice is already comforting, I thought to myself.

She sat on the bed beside me and looked at me with a soft and reassuring smile. "I-" Getting the courage to speak but instead I choke up and started sobbing. Her smile went down a bit because of her daughter's physical and mental state. She opened her arms to give me a warm hug, and so I went in for it. I cried on her shoulder while she gave me light pats on my back and gave me a forehead kiss in hopes of making me feel a little bit better.

It was like that for a few minutes. I couldn't calm myself down even when my mom was already there for me. Well I mean, who would be calm after that happened? Thinking about all of those memories we made, it made me even sadder. Did we make all those memories only for you to leave me with them?

The shoulder of my mom's shirt was wet from the tears I made because of this emotion called sadness that made me cry my eyes out. I didn't want to leave her arms. This warm feeling of being loved, I wanted to stay like this forever. But I knew that wasn't possible. I knew moving on would be hard but I knew that I also had to stay strong for Xavier. He would be sad seeing my current state.

But he's the reason for my current state

No.. I shouldn't think like that. It would be wrong to blame him for the emotions I'm feeling when he obviously didn't expect me to feel this way if I ever lost him. But didn't he know this would be my first reaction after hearing what he did? If he did knew what I would feel, I'd go nuts. Would he leave me just to hurt me? After all this time? But if he didn't know what I'd feel, does that mean I was a bad friend? To the point he thinks that I won't care if I lost him?

The thoughts just wouldn't stop even when my tears were almost running out.

I let go of my mom and rubbed my eyes a few times before staring at the wood flooring of my room. My mom then tucked my messy hair behind my ear to look at my puffy face from all of the crying and sobbing I did. I looked like a mess but my mom still smiled at me. This was the first time I cried so much infront of my mom, but I was glad she was still there for me.

After a few moments of silence and my sniffling, she finally spoke, "You should go take a nice, warm bath so you could relax." I just nodded softly. She gets up and walks to the door. But before she left my room, she said something again, "I'll come back here to give you nice warm milk and dinner, so go get a nice warm bath and don't worry about anything." I nodded once again and looked up to see her comforting smile.

My mind went blank, staring at nothing was all I did for a few minutes before grabbing the gray journal that was given to me when I went to Xavier's house. Then staring at it for another few minutes before opening it only to see..