I Built This Home For Me, For You

Chapter 17

In the lull between Christmas and the new year, Lauren found herself nervously sitting in a chair at the hospital, feeling slightly nauseous as she watched Clara get her blood drawn. It wasn't the blood that was the problem, it was the fact that she was accompanying her mom to her first round of chemotherapy, and Lauren felt like she was about to cry. Breathing shallowly, running her sweaty palms up and down the thighs of her pants, Lauren waited for them to test Clara's blood, making sure that she could go ahead with the first dose of treatment. Her mom looked as unbothered as always, and she didn't even look nervous at all – she was treating it like she was here for a business meeting, all pragmatic and brisk mannerisms that Lauren knew well enough from board meetings and business events. Somehow that made it worse because it seemed like she was the only one who was taking it hard; if her own mom, who was the one with cancer, wasn't getting herself worked up about it, then Lauren shouldn't either. That's what she told herself anyway. So she blinked back the burning feeling in her eyes, swallowed the lump in her throat and sat like a statue in the chair, while Clara came and sat back down beside her, waiting for the green light.

As Lauren studied her, taking in the silvered hair and the sharp eyes, she watched as Clara pulled out some paperwork, and began to read over the one on top, clicking a pen as she did so. Letting out a snort of laughter, Lauren rolled her eyes and tipped her head back, leaning it against the wall while her eyelids fluttered closed.

"I'm allowed to do work here," Clara told her, and Lauren let her head roll to one side, opening one eye as she peered at Clara, "it's going to take an hour or two, so they told me to bring something to do."

"Yeah, like bring a novel to read, or do some knitting," Lauren laughed.

"Why, would you like another sweater for your collection?" Clara asked, and Lauren shook her head as she smiled, eyes closed as the fluorescent light overhead painted the inside of her eyelids red.

The clinical smell of the hospital was making her feel sick and brought back memories she'd rather forget. The only good times she'd ever been to a hospital were the times her girls were born, and when Sofi gave birth to Carter. Otherwise, it was just an endless stream of broken bones, fevers, and near-death experiences. She jerked slightly at the touch of cool hands on her cheek and gave Clara a questioning look.

"Just checking to make sure you haven't turned into a corpse while you sit there. Honestly, Lauren, you look like a recluse who hasn't seen sunlight in twelve years," Clara clucked disapprovingly.

Huffing, Lauren rolled her eyes, "Yeah, I'm the neighborhood Boo Radley."

Ignoring the snarky comment, Clara looked at her with worry etched into the lines of her face, "Are you feeling okay?"

"No," Lauren curtly replied, staring straight ahead at the wall painted a pale shade of green, as if it was supposed to be comforting, but Lauren thought looked sickly. The whole place was making her feel claustrophobic, and a feeling of dread filled her as she looked around, waiting for the bad news. It had already come though, that's why they were there.

Clara didn't bother replying – Lauren would take no comfort in any reassurances she could give her, and it would just make her mood even sourer than it already was – so they both sat there in silence, Clara making notes on the paperwork, while Lauren listened to the scribbling of the pen and tried to imagine that she was anywhere else. She had to keep her eyes closed, because the sight of sickly pale patients, with bald heads – some covered with bandanas or beanies, and others without – was enough to make her eyes prickle with tears as she thought about how Clara would look like that in a few weeks. She didn't want to think about it, but some of these people were dying. They were poisoning their bodies, but even that wasn't enough, and Lauren didn't want to think about the chemotherapy not working right now - she didn't want to think about it at all.