Confessions of a Fandom Freak: A One Direction Story

CONFESSION ELEVEN

CONFESSION ELEVEN

"Oh I'm just a little girl caught in the middle life is a maze and love is a riddle I don't know where it goes." 

Lenka: "The Show"

All I can seem to do for the next hour is just take my numerous one direction posters down one by one. It takes over an hour because every time I take one down I carefully look at it and remember how excited I was to put it up and how I scoffed at my mom making fun of my obsession. I used to think it was awesome to fill up my walls all the way to the ceiling.

Now I just need to unpluck all the pins off the wall and stare at the emptiness of beige walls. Every day when I couldn't take it, I would just be able to walk into the room and feel the warmth in their smiles give me a metaphorical hug.

Now I look at their smiles and see its all... Fake. Niall is fake and I thought he was the most genuine of all of them.

From Niall:

Can we please just talk? I really want to explain and apologize. Please? I promise you won't regret it.

I just chuck the phone across the room safely onto my bed and tuck all the poster behind the large Victorian mirror leaning up against my wall. Nothing ever makes me cry.

I only used to cry in front of my mom because she was the only one that could safely cut the seams that held me together, just for a bit, and stitch me back up. After finishing I lay onto the carpet of the floor and let my seams unravel.

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Beep 

Beep 

Beep 

Beep 

Beep

My alarm goes off at 6 in the morning to make me groan with exhaustion and lift my head off the carpet and stumble into he bathroom to take a good look at myself. The carpet has left dots all over the right side of my face and a line going straight around my cheek.

"Finally you are up." Mom barges in from behind, her hair already fluffed and makeup done. "Yeah ummm. I was tired." I attempt to shrug her off and look at my drooping eyes in the mirror again. "We'll...."she begins, slouching against the doorframe to the bathroom.

"Well Vera's mom just died. So I need to go visit her. I mean, I have to." Her Russian accent sounds thicker today as she tries to act stern and collected. Vera was her best friend who lived all the way in Chicago. Suddenly I look down and see the plane ticket in my mom's hands. Again, she is just leaving me alone and not caring if I will miss her or not. Leave me here to cope.

"Flight leaves at 7:30 so I better be going. I left $500 emergency money. If you wanna spend it you can. I know you have that concert on Tuesday and I want you to have fun. Please forgive me for this," her eyes plead for forgiveness I'm just not ready to give.

"Fine," I say in a monotonous voice as she squishes my face against her chest. "You'll be alright," she whispers and kisses the top of my head and drags her suitcase out the door. "Oh btw Viv, I really like what you did with your room," she smiles and locks the door behind her.

She likes what I did to it? I hardly remember what I did to it....

I peer my head out and the memories come flashing back. Niall. Running in the rain. Betrayal. Everyone just expects me to forgive them. They expect me to stop holding grudges. I don't hold grudges. I'm just numb.