Read If You Dare

May 10, 2020 (Part One)

I feel like this is pretty much my digital diary. It's definitely going to get crazy, but for right now I wanted to list some things that I want to talk about. There's really no significance to them other than I think about these things a lot and they're sort of personal little facts about me, just in case you happened to wonder about me.

1. I thought about someone's smile earlier and started crying. I don't know why but nice smiles melt my heart, and I know a lot of people enjoy smiles and stuff but it physically hurts (in a good way?) when I see someone genuinely smiling. It sends that familiar "pang" straight to my heart and I really just fall in love.

2. Tonight I suddenly had a very vivid daydream that I was at a place (don't know exactly where) but I was slow dancing with this really cute guy and we we're having such a nice, wholesome conversation and he smiled at me and I wanted to cry and now I just wanna go on a dancing date, but not like a club dancing date, a slow dancing type date. I'm not sure where you would go to do that, but I want to know so I can do it.

3. I just made some hot tea at 3am and it's kinda gross but also kinda good and I'm still gonna drink it. It's starting to get cold. Help. 

4. I want to go visit my uncle's grave sometime soon. He was buried 10 years ago but I still remember him and I feel bad that he's there all alone and probably hasn't been visited in a long time and I wanna go see him to keep him company for a little while. My friend said I was cute for wanting to go see my uncle but I'm not too sure about that.

5. I really really wanna ride a roller coaster and feel my stomach shoot up into my brain, I wanna get the adrenaline rush and scream until my throat hurts and I wanna mess up my hair in the wind and think that I'm gonna die even though I know I'm not going to. 

6. I want to die, just for like 20 minutes. I want to see what happens after you die, and I want to be able to reassure both myself and the people around me that it's not a bad thing. I'm more scared of the unknown after than the actual death part. I like to think that there's just one place where everyone goes, and if you were a generally good person and lived your life in a happy and unproblematic way, then you get to spend your afterlife eternity doing the things you like with the people you love, and if you were a jerk in your life, then you have to spend your days working in a stuffy office doing meaningless paperwork while you watch the good people from your office window. To me, that almost sounds worse than any Hell you could go to.

7. I crack my knuckles A LOT. I think my knuckles will disintegrate one day and my fingers will just flop around from how much I just mindlessly crack them. I also gave zero fucks when people used to tell me that I'd get arthritis from cracking my knuckles. My grandpa has really bad arthritis and he still did whatever the hell he wanted (up until recently, his health has been kicking his butt :( but he's a fighter).

8. Sometimes I really wish I had a weird, euphoric dimension that I could go sit in when I'm upset. It would be the edge of a really big lake, there's a beach but also an area where the grass touches the water so if you don't wanna get sandy you don't have to. There's a forest that makes a big half circle around the clearing, and the water is almost completely clear and sparkly. The sky is always in sunset mode, there are mermaids in the water, the birds sing pretty songs but really quietly so it's like a calming background noise, between the waves hitting the shore and birds singing. The mermaids are friendly and will talk to you about your problems and give you advice, and in my world you can have whatever talent you want, but also nobody is famous. No one is more famous than anyone else, you are just you. You can sing really well, you can play any instrument phenomenally, you can paint hyper-realistic pictures, but it doesn't make you any more or less popular. Multiple people can come visit my dimension, and we can have a big gathering of people if we want to, but if you abuse the privilege or are mean or use it to your advantage somehow, then you don't get to come anymore. 

9. I fall in love with people based on who I make them out to be in my head. I've fallen completely head over heels for people on the internet because I had one or two dreams where they were really sweet to me. I have a problem. I'm like a hopeless romantic on cocaine. I really want to find my person, but I sometimes forget that it doesn't happen when I want it to happen, the universe decides when I'm ready for that person to come along.

10. Happy things make me sad sometimes, and I don't really understand it. I think I just get so overwhelmed with emotions that the only one I really know how to express is sadness. Which is sad in itself. I wish I were better at being happy, but I'll get there one day. 

11. I was laughing at myself earlier because I made up a scenario in my head where me and my significant other were sitting down near each other and we were just enjoying the comfortable silence, then I asked them if I could hold their hand really quietly. It was such an innocent thing, but all I wanna do is hold someone's hand. I don't care about sex or stuff like that but in my opinion, holding hands and forehead kisses are the supreme way to show affection. Also nose kisses but only sometimes. Like maybe when I'm sad, just gimme a kiss on the nose and tell me my eyes are pretty when I cry.

12. ALSO, I will completely melt in your hands if you just cup my cheeks and smile at me (preferably down at me because I hope my significant other is taller than me so our kids have a chance at being taller than Danny Devito). Don't totally smash my face, just rest your hands on my cheeks and give me that really pretty smile.

13. I seriously have no idea how to describe myself. Like, when you think about me and all of the things I just listed, what color do you imagine? I imagine a soft, pastel yellow, or maybe a coral. I also think about stars, and beaded bracelets when I think about me. I should just make a mood board about myself lmao, maybe that would accurately represent my personality. Idk anymore. I have an overly fluffy side, but I can also be a raging bitch, especially when I have my period. 

14. I was thinking about my relationship history the other day since I have all of the time in the world to think, and I realized that every relationship I've ever been in, serious or not, I've been the one to cut it off. I've broken up with all of my past boyfriends. I kinda feel bad about it, do I have commitment issues? I think I'm just afraid of the future, so I break things off before I can find out what the future actually holds. I also think that celebrities have given me such high standards that I am irrationally disappointed by the single people in my community. I feel bad, because it's my own fault that things end so abruptly. I dig deep for things that I don't like about a person and convince myself that it's bad enough to break up with them. I kinda suck. I have a really specific idea of how I want my ideal relationship and my ideal partner to be, and I know it's almost impossible for someone to magically fit those standards, but hopefully someday I either chill out with my expectations or someone amazing really does come along and check the boxes.

I think my idea of love and my ideal relationship are gonna need a whole separate chapter to fully explain what they are, so maybe I'll write up a second part to this.

It's almost 5am now, I took almost 2 hours to write all of this. I feel like it's too late to go to bed now, but I'm finally starting to feel my eyelids lowering a little bit. I should fix my schedule, I have an online AP exam on Monday, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay up all night and all day. I also want to go visit my uncle tomorrow, but it's 45 minutes there and back so I'll need at least 2 hours and I don't wanna do it in the evening. I'd rather do it in the early afternoon.