Natalia woke up in the middle of the night, she couldnt breathe. she couldnt stand the pain. she didnt know what time it was, she didnt know the date, she couldnt hear anything and she definetly couldnt focus on anything. only the sharp pain that was attacking her chest and preventing her from breathing. she wasnt sure if her screams were heard by her mom but she knew they were when she barged in to her dark bedroom, turning the light on, rushing to her.
"Natalia whats wrong?" it was barely audible though. she saw her mom crying and she felt like crying, thinking maybe this is the end. maybe she wouldnt make it out alive from this one. before she could feel or think anything else, everything blacked out.
natalia woke up, she flinched at the bright light and all white room. shes seen this place before, having many attacks throughout the years. her body felt weak and sore from everything that happened. she remembered what happened though, she always does though this time felt different. it was more painful. it was so extra. she sighed, hoping it was nothing, as always but she still worried. especially when it felt much more different.
"honey, youre awake. thank goodness." she looked at her mom's thin figure and looked up at her heart shaped face that was stained with tears and sadness. she wanted to speak, she wanted to ask her why she was crying but she knew the answer. it was obvious. she wanted to ask her why she felt so scared and in so much pain. but she simply couldnt open her mouth. it felt dry, her throat felt dry and no words came out.
"mom, i want to go home, please. lets get out of here. you know, it felt different this time. it wasnt the regular attacks that i get, it was one hundred times more painful. why?" her mother just grabbed her hand and squeezed it. her mother looked down and sighed.
"we'll go home after the doctor releases you. but i need to tell you something" her lip trembled and she closed her eyes.
"you have .. cancer" she didnt know how to react. she had cancer? how is she supposed to feel? scared? worried? sad? mixed emotions? she felt her heart beat go faster and she looked around. she was speechless. she never imagined anything like this, having cancer must be the worst news to hear. especially when youre so young and have your whole life ahead of you. she cried. she cried so hard her stomach started to hurt. her vision was blurred by her salty tears. why was life so unfair? why does bad things happen to good people? her mothered hugged her and craddled her like when she was a baby.
"when did i fall asleep?'' she thought as she woke up. her mother walked in and smiled at her. she told her that she could get up now and go home. she felt like yelling at her mom. could she at least help her up? does she not know what happened her last night? but she thought about it. she is just stressed about everything she found out about her health. having cancer! thats something that terrified her. she was going to die. she didnt know when or where. at school? home? shower?
they walked out the hospital. her brother on one side and her mom and the other. the air was chilly and the sky was cloudy. they walked to the car and it was uncomfortably silent. her mom broke the silence.
"you dont have to go to school anymore, Nat"
she looked over at her mom. "look i have cancer ok? thats not going to stop me from doing anything. im not going to stop going to school. im not going to stop going to places, im not going to stop seeing my friends. dont try and make me be imprisoned by this thats happening. especially something as important as school." she let out a breath and looked out the window. it was quiet and she felt bad now. she didnt want to snap at her mom but she felt like she had no other choice. her mom wanted to make her feel like if cancer was going to stop her from continuing her life. well she was wrong.
they got home and it was her usual routine. she showered and ate dinner. she picked her usual outfit and got in bed. she wanted to cry but she felt as if she was out of tears.
the next morning was cold and silent. she got ready and waited for her mom to drop her off at school. she hoped that her mom wouldnt make no type of remark about what happened yesterday.
Thankfully she hadnt. she walked into school dreading the whole day filled with exams and ignorant people. she went to her usual spot looking for her best friend Nola that she's known since seventh grade. Nola was the only person who would never judge her like the others always tended to do. She debated on telling Nola or not. she didn't want to hurt her or for her to be worried but she didn't want to keep any secrets from her. when she finally saw the redhead approaching her, she shed a tear.
"hey nats, how are you? are you crying?"
"I need to talk to you. maybe school isn't the right place, we can talk later" she was about to walk away when Nola grabbed her by her wrist and dragged her down the familiar hallway. she was going to make her leave school through their usual route. they went behind to the softball field and sat down on a bench.
"tell me"
"it happened again.. this time its different, they finally found out what's wrong with me.. I have cancer Nola" she was surprised that she didnt cry, knowing herself and how emotional she was. she didn't dare look Nola in her eyes, too afraid of her reaction. when she didn't say anything, she looked up to see those brown eyes filled with tears, her best friend started crying, like sobbing. she looked at the sadness in her face and thought, "soon enough I'll be gone. she didn't know how much time she had left, all she kept thinking was "why me" what bad had she done that made this happen to her.
They stayed there the whole day, just in silence. what was there to say? she hoped that Nola wouldn't say anything though, she was actually friends with the popular kids. she was pretty, out going and really cool. sometimes she wondered why she was friends with someone like her. she wondered what life would be like after she's gone. will all the people that bothered her finally be happy? what about her mom? what about Nola?
She always thought her life would be differently than what it is now. a year ago, she wouldn't have imagined this. she imagined something completely different. she didn't want her life to be like this. she didn't want to die because of cancer, especially so young. she had her whole life ahead, well at least she was supposed to. she thought she would grow up, go to college, go to those famous college parties with the cool red plastic cups. maybe play some beer pong. finally be an adult and maybe fall in love. but she wouldn't, she wouldn't even go to her high school prom, even if she didn't plan on going to it because no one would ask her. but knowing it wouldn't even be an option was bad enough.
"I don't want to die Nola.." she said as she began to cry.
"don't think like that ok, you can be cured" she didn't know whether to slap her or cry even more. it wasn't just any cancer, it's terminal cancer. terminal. as in there's no way to cure it. she had no way out, she had no choice. no treatment would help her. that is why she does not want chemotherapy because she'd rather not lose her hair and feel even more sick than she already did. she was just going to let life do whatever it had to do.
