Aquarium Friday and Other Stories

cliffs

when will i stop writing stupid poetry? who knows

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there’s a strange now-ness to college

there are snatches of cautious independence: the microfridge, the salted crackers, the calendar scheduling laundry days and homework

the stuffed monkey his high school girlfriend won him at a carnival

sending her kisses through the avocado app as if they’re going to last forever

(but from the size of that box of condoms under his bed, they probably do)

small areas in which everyone piles up everything they thought was worth bringing from home

fat chunks of david foster wallace, slim volumes of keats, 200 dollar textbooks

all for a tomorrow we can’t forecast

all to be ready for a world which won’t be ready for us in four years

but we still exist in this now-ness

sharing this thick blue comforter on a friday night watching youtube videos and laughing at ‘torpedo dick’

complaining about midterms even though you got an a on your philosophy one and so did the other cute blonde boy in your discussion with the patterned socks and button-up shirts

(and he said he liked your shoes)

(and that he’ll ‘see you around’)

debating social justice issues till our throats go sore and everyone else wants to piss on us

because we’re college students and we’re obnoxious and we think we can change shit but we can’t really, because

the regents will be cushy with their 27 percent salary hikes and

all we get is an unlit bonfire and wasted time

you watch everyone move around you as if they left behind ghosts of everywhere they’ve come from

high school, past loves, family issues, casual mentions of step-parents and death, and

you wonder what all the space you left behind looks like

your roommate’s grandfather died this morning and she was crying into a wad of kleenex when you got back from class

she didn’t want to talk about it

tiny decisions just piling up. white docs or black converse? should i go to lecture or not? it’s a lot of work being with yourself. it’s a lot of work trying not to feel like that’s all you can be in a room full of people.

even when you’re sprawled on the floor in the hallway laughing and it’s all hands and feet and love

you’re still alone

you’re still alone in one dorm in one building in one college in one city in one state in one country amongst many many many

you’re still sitting on the steps listening to the arctic monkeys

alone

you’re still trying to throw yourself off the cliff

alone

and you’re not sure if you’ll ever really start falling

because you don’t want to be alone

when you do