Natalie

Chapter Six

Chapter Six

I got to Natalie’s room and knocked on the door, waiting for her to answer. My heart was pounding in my chest. I couldn’t even hear myself think over how loud it was and it seemed to take an eternity for her to open the door. When she did, she glared at me and made a move to slam it in my face, but I held it open and begged for her to hear me out.

“I’m listening,” she sneered, leaning on the frame but not letting me in.

“Can I come in?”

“Why can’t you say it right here? This isn’t your room anymore, remember?”

“I know. That’s why I asked. Please? It’ll take a while. I have a lot to get off my chest…” I pleaded with my eyes, trying not to let it show in my voice that I was desperate.

She looked me over for a moment before her face softened. She stepped aside and opened the door wider, finally letting me in. I smiled wearily, bowing my head so she wouldn’t see exactly how unsettled I was. I wasn’t looking forward to the emotional breakdown that I was about to throw myself into. I stalled by pacing back and forth and looking around the room to see what she’d done differently with it when I left. She hadn’t done anything. My side was entirely bare, just as I’d left it.

“Well?” she asked, and with a deep breath, I started.

“I’m sorry… I’ve never really been open about anything, but if I hold this in anymore, I’ll explode. Natalie, I can’t keep avoiding you like this. It’s driving me insane! I’ve been miserable ever since I moved out. You mean more to me than you can even imagine, and you have absolutely NO idea how hard it is for me to say all of this right now,” I rambled all in one breath and was panting by the time I was finished.

She looked shocked for a moment but quickly pulled herself together. I’d come to the conclusion that it must have been a learned skill from being in the spotlight all the time. She’d sat down on her bed and leaned back before she started: “If I’m so important to you, why were you avoiding me? Walk me through your thought process ‘cause I’m not understanding what you’re saying.”

I bowed my head again and scratched the back of my neck. I sighed both in relief that she didn’t sound too pissed, and in exasperation, not wanting to keep talking and making a fool of myself. I looked up at her and she was looking at me expectantly, so I chewed on my bottom lip and started pacing again.

“Do you want the truth? … Or would you rather I sugar coat it? ” I hoped she’d say the latter. Of course she wouldn’t, though.

“Just tell me straight up. I’m a big girl. I’m pretty sure I can handle whatever you have to say.”

“Fine… The truth is: I was avoiding you because you said something to me a while ago that hurt me almost as bad as anything has ever hurt me before, and that’s saying something ‘cause I’ve been to hell and back. I never thought such a simple, seemingly harmless word could make me feel like the world was ending and I sure in hell never planned for any of this. I… I hated you so much for saying it… or at least I wanted to… I wanted to forget you ever existed, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. You just keep showing up whenever I don’t want you there. Every little fucking thing reminds me of you and it’s annoying as hell. I don’t remember the last time you weren’t on my damn mind, but when you said that one word… God, I felt stupid…”

I sank onto what used to be my bed and buried my face in my hands. I couldn’t stop now. I’d gotten on the emotional rollercoaster, and I was strapped in like my life depended on it. I couldn’t get off until the ride was over. The car that I was in was slowly climbing to the top of “Despair Mountain,” waiting for her to say the words that would tip me over the hill and start all over again. The tension built with the silence as she waited for me to go on and explain more, and up, up, up I went on the track, but my throat had swollen up and gotten clogged with the tears that I was forcing back but were breaking loose anyway. I refused to show my face to her. I knew I looked pathetic and weak. I didn’t want her to see it. I didn’t want anyone to see it. I was the wakagashira of the Kokoro-en. I wasn’t supposed to show weakness to anyone. I wasn’t supposed to have it at all.