January 36th, 1963. A man named Miguel is kidnapped by a group of bears. He is eating oatmeal when he realises that it tastes funny. He looks down and realizes that there is a squid in his oatmeal. The squid latches onto his face and merges with him. He becomes half human and half squid. The bears then ambush him and take him to their lair inside a McDonalds bathroom. An employee hears screams and thinks that someone is being assaulted. He enters the bathroom with his weapon ready. His weapon was a rattlesnake tied to pole. He sees that the bears are extracting DNA from a half human half squid. He happens to be racist against squidmonsters, so he lets it happen. The bears clone the squidmonster and use him in their army.
November 22nd, 1963. This was a sad day for America. This was the day that JFK was assasinated. Although it is commonly believed that Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK, this is false. It was one of the squid monsters that was genetically engineered by the bears. It is also believed that JFK was shot. This is incorrect. He was absorbed. Bobby the squidmonster attacked him and absorbed the soul of his pet anaconda. Unfortunetly, they shared a soul, so it is believed that JFk died. This is also incorrect. He moved to Venus and rents an appartment inside of a rabbit. Until last year, when he was beaten to death by a firetruck.
March 48th, 1964. This was the beginning of the bear invasion. Obama ordered the invasion on Sea World. There was a week long battle between the animals at sea world and the bears. We managed to get an interview with one of the dolphins who fought in the battle. He was quoted as saying "Ehehehehehehheehehehehhehe ehehehehheeeehhhehehhehehehehhehyehehehe" This directly translates to " I don't speak human". This is conclusive evidence that Obama is a bear.
April 34th, 1965. A man named Bobithan is walkind down the street when he is suddenly ambushed by Obama. Obama grabs him and takes him to the giant shoe where he lives. He is tied up and released into the wild. He becomes feril and lives in the wild for 10 years. This was his training to fight for the bear army. After that, he was brainwashed into believing that humans are evil. He went back in time to 1934 when the conspiracy started. He abducted the bear and flew away dramatically into the sunset. He then hijacked a pterodactyl and flew even more dramatically into the sunset. I am unable to quote the pterodactyl because no one knows what noise pterodactyls make.
April 34th, 1966. The bears need Alex fur so they harvest his spleen. They then realize that spleens dont have hair, so they are disappointed.
April 35th, 1966. This was the dark day that, with the new intel provided by the bears, the FBI raided Santa clause juniors north pole compound. The agents in the raid included Frank Sinatra, Peter Griffin, Homer Simpson, the giant chicken from family guy, The Cuban Missile Crisis, Bobtob, Tom Cruise, Jim Carrey, Catapus, Kim Jong Un, and Fin. Thats right, just plain old Fin. I hate shrotened names. I prefer the full Finbertkdjf;ajflkaejdoihefalkjelkda;sje;lhifelkajewo;a. But noooooo. He shortened to Fin. As songwriter Frederick Cootes says "he sees you when youre sleeping". Anyway, Fin shot Santa Clause Junior in the spleen seventeen times.
The following is direct testimony from Bobby Sl;adsjkfldjdas ;fejkljfdkdjadksljkdslfjkslkfsdjfkl, an Ebola farmer. "It was back in 67. I was only 99 at the time. It all started when i found one of my ebola had been eaten. I assumed that it was a coyote, but as i would later learn, it was not a coyote at all! It was one of the Berenstain Bears! Anyway, I was walkind down the street one day, when suddenly, I saw a banana laying on the side of the road. I picked it up, and it wasn't a banana. It was the berenstain bear who was eating my Ebola." Are the Berenstain Bears working with Obama? Yes. It is obvious. Anyone who disagrees with any of these facts will be burned as a witch.
