Disclaimer: This is not a poem. This is raw and hard to read.
Its been almost two months since you left.
Still hurts to think of it. Heart still breaks. Breathing got a lot heavier. I guess we never really get over death do we? I know it was for the best but damn I feel lost without you. Parts of ourselves die all the time for different reasons and moments and we go on. We have to, right? But I miss you too much. Burried 13 years of my life on my backyard. 13 years of therapy. 13 years of love. 6 feet under the ground on the backyard we got to grow up in. Nobody tought me to live without you. How to breathe properly, how to cope, how to keep going. Nobody told me how hard it would be. How hard it is to be stuck on the house I grew in, now empty, soulless, drained out of life. How hard it would be to walk around knowing that your presence will no longer be found. How I would have to manage my anxiety and heartbreaks alone now. How apathy would take over my life. Keeping myself busy with every pointless thing I could possibly come up with. Cause Im stuck in this empty house where every corner reminds me of you. Where my bedroom floor holds the image of you almost dying on me. Where you almost took your last breath. Where I cried desperatelly and prayed to a freaking ceiling not take you away from me. Where a hallway had such a sad heavy air hanging around. Where the living room joined a broken family. Where the kitchen led to the heartbreaking decision that eutanasia would be the best thing to do.
I was there 24/7. Sleepless nights cause I couldnt lose you to sleep. I was there for your last breath. I held your lifeless body, hugged it hard while someone digged your grave. Heart to dust when having to lay you there and watch you disappear under the ground. 13 fucking years. Completely shattered. Vision is blurry from the tears and pain to be writing this.
Nobody is ever prepared for death. Cancer is a hell of a bitch. Life goes on but I feel like I froze. This emptiness on a full house. The void on my soul. Im trapped in this house, I cant leave and its torturing me. Slowly killing me. Going to that zone of the backyard is an impossible task. I just cant. Not yet.
Acceptence is a small quiet room. Just didnt know it would be so hard and painfull. Im surviving for you. In this house that slowly drives me mad but I keep going. Baby steps drowned with apathy and busy schedules. Cant stop for long otherwise its fatal. Remeniscing past times. Easier loving ones.
Im stuck here, in this empty house. On a souless body with a broken heart. But we breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out. Heavy air. All too loud. And we move forward.
I love you. I miss you. We'll meet again eventually. Thank you for keeping me alive. I'll try to do that now by myself.
