people think being bipolar is quirky and fun and that they are bipolar simply bc they're happy one day and sad the next.
here's how my night went.
my mom and I had a phone call in which she said she would never call me by my preferred name and pronouns.
this caused a huge breakdown.
sure, it wasn't that big of a deal to me, usually.
but now I was just upset over it.
i grabbed a razor and dug the blade out, and cut my left wrist. I always cut my left arm.
but this time my brain kept screaming at me that it had to be even, it had to be. it had to be.
so i cut my right wrist in the same spot. i made sure they were in the same places.
i calmed down for a little and listened to music and suddenly felt like a god. like nobody could hurt me.
like i should just ghost everyone i know because im better than them in every single way and they mean nothing to me.
then i felt like i was sinking again.
like my friends never cared about me and never would.
i thought about how everytime i like someone they never reciprocate, and how i blame myself so harshly about it.
i realize that i acted like someone i dislike a lot in the past, and i started crying again and cut more (equally on both sides).
i then entered a state that happens a lot, where i make noises and have to move my hands, usually in a grabby motion like a toddler, to calm down.
in extreme cases i start to slap or hit my face and this time i did.
then i froze because my brain told me: someone's outside your window, listening, shut up before they break in and kill your animals and you.
i froze and stared at my window blankly and muted my phone. i have not stopped being as silent as possible for fear that someone is outside.
im finding it harder and harder to tell what's real and what's not.
is there someone outside? am i going to be murdered?
was i really replaced by my family? do my friends all hate me?
i don't know. i feel like im being watched and need to escape to anywhere but here. im terrified of this presence i feel.
i also feel that if i get up from my bed, and make noise, something bad will happen. i don't know what. i don't know what. but im scared, so scared.
i feel like i need to repeat certain things. i don't know why but when im upset i have to. i have to.
I played a YouTube video to calm myself down but now I'm anxious I made noise I made noise I made noise im scared im scared im scared
I can't sit against the wall, or else someone could be on my top bunk and look down at me and I don't want that, so I have to sit in the middle of the bed, I can't be seen
I feel like I have to be under my top bunk and can't move. I have to go to the bathroom but I don't wanna leave my safe place. I'm safe here but I won't be when I move when I move when I move.
I heard a noise in my kitchen and I'm very scared it sounded like a person but my animals didn't react so I think it might've been an auditory hallucination but i don't know I don't know I don't know
I feel like I need to out deodorant on. I feel like if I don't, I'll smell. But I don't wanna get up. O don't know what do
i feel normal again. everything's okay. im not paranoid.
the kitchen is very open, and the back door no longer has a curtain. i am scared of the darkness outside because I can't see anything, and im almost positive someone's watching. and the living room is also open with no curtains on the windows. im scared of someone watching.
every light in the house is on. i can't turn any off or something bad will happen. the dog wants to be let out but i can't bring myself to open the door, or even get close to it. i will just have to clean up after him, i cant stand the thought of opening the door because someone might be waiting for me to, and try to break in.
the microwave is loud it's very loud im scared again what if someone hears hears hears
i accidentally knocked over some bins, it was loud. the dog stared at the window with his ears up, I'm scared
hehe..popcorn time, i am concious
the microwave is new, ive never used it and there's no plate in it. the spinny thing. it's not there but i put my popcorn anyways and it immediately began to burn. i can't stop yelling. i keep screaming "fuck" and "hell" because i only have two more bags. this is not fair. someone is out to get me, otherwise bad things would not be happening now. i wish they would stop.
i think i heard a whisper of a man im scared i need to leave before im killed Why me why me why me
i feel like i havs to make noise, im making a noise with my throat and screaming and grabbing with my left hand and tapping my head. I can't stop or they'll get me
