It is not what it looks like

The 'backward law'

The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience.  And this is the  "backward law".
Everything is diabolical this morning. I turned twenty five yesterday and my life has extremely taken a u turn. I am afraid to face my fears. I am caught in a dilemma of choosing to take a path which is so unfamiliar to me, or living like nothing's up. My life? Is not easy to explain. It hasn't been the rip-roaring spectacular I fancied it would be but neither have I burrowed around. That's why I have to face my fears this time.

I get up from my bed and walk downstairs to get a cup of coffee, which is like the antidote that I need this morning. Midway down the stairs, I hear my mum talking over the phone in hushed tones. This gives me an awfully strong feeling of déjà vu.

I remember vividly that the last time my mother's tone was that way, she hid something  from me, which I came to figure out the hard way-about my origin and my family.
This time round, i know if I don't do nothing, I would be conniving in my mother's lies.

She did not want to tell me. Atleast that is what I figured out. I therefore decide to eavesdrop. Hidden behind the pillar next to the kitchen, I get bits of what is being said.
"She is not ready yet. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize her life. " My mum shouts at the person at the other side of the line.
"She's twenty five today and for Christ sake she's supposed to figure it out by herself."

Well, she is talking about me, that's so crystal clear, but what is it that I have to figure out. I get out of my hideout and decide to make my presence noticable.
"What are you talking about mum?"
My mom appears to be conscience-striken.
"oh sorry, I have to go." She cuts off the connection and turns to me.
"morning darling, I didn't see you there. How long have you been listening."
"I've been here long enough to know that you've been on my case. So tell me, what's it about this time."

Don't get me wrong. My mum has always been my best friend but the idea of keeping secrets from me, isn't that impressive. I know she's keeping something from me. And despite that, I always try to understand because she does it for my own good. However, secrets, either big or small can surbotage a long term relationship even in the consanguinity. I don't want that now. Do I? That's why I need answers right away.
My mum has this congenital inability to be honest especially when my life is involved, but of course I don't blame her. Mothers do anything to protect their children. However, this time round, it's something big that will outdo everything she has worked for. I'm not sure what it is but I can see it in her eyes.

I don't know if  I'm ready to hear what she's going to tell me because as I said, my life is changing completely, just like dying. My present life is going to be forgotten, burried in the subconscious layers of my mind.

I sure need answers because my body feels strange this morning. Whatever is happening to me should not be happening, let alone facing a mother who's trying to protect me by hiding everything from me. What am I even.

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