Vents.

Vent 1

hi. welcome to my vent space. i talk a lot about mental health, love, and friend drama. please note that not every vent is going to be a bad thing. this is kinda like my public diary. to reach out to others who may be experiencing the same drama.

i'm kinda in a dilemma.. it's a been only a month since i got out of a 6 month relationship and i already have feelings for someone... for some context: my last relationship was very toxic. i was and still kinda am VERY in love with this person. i couldn't end the relationship even though almost all of my friends were telling me she was toxic and very sketchy. about 4-5 months into the relationship she started cheating on me with one of my friends. i believe it's because i wasn't super sexual to her. i never sent her nudes. (i'm literally 13.) she apparently only does libido now. (just sexual, but no actual love).. she's 11. basically when she was cheating on me with one of her friends, she was super sexual to him and sent him over 50 nudes. he sent nudes back. (this friend is 13 too..) i just feel like it was my fault. she said she tried to warn me by using another excuse to end the relationship (she said she was getting bullied which wasn't entirely true..) but i "threw a fit" (yes, i was very very upset, but i wasn't forcing her to be with me. i would never do that.) so... yeah.. she cheated. i think it's my fault. anyways.

i think it's too early for me to like someone, but i do! i don't know if they like me or not.. it's very mixed signals. they told me that they like me and then i admitted my feelings to them then they gave me really mixed signals. one minute they say they literally love me and the next second they say "bold of you to assume i even like you." no cap, they said that. my one friend is already saying that they seem like a toxic person. here's some MORE context: me and him were trying to IP track someone because they were hacking my friends computer and screenshotting really private information. he sent me the link to ip-log someone and i on accidentally clicked on it while trying to copy it to shorten it, so it didn't look like an ip-log website. he got my IP. i have really really really bad anxiety and he knows that. (yes, diagnosed by a professional) and he was playing around with me, saying he got my address and that he was going to send someone after me to kill me and hurt my family. that type of stuff heavily triggers me, it's one of my biggest fears. i slipped into a panic attack and had some scary thoughts to hurt myself just so he wouldn't send someone to hurt my family. he also said he was going to shut off my network and my internet, tap into my webcam, etc. for a few days he kept doing this until he accidentally posted my IP into a random discord server. someone looked it up, found my address and where i live. at this point i was very done with this whole thing and blocked him. i was very upset. he said he was kidding and it wasn't my exact address, but he kept playing with my emotions. i forgave him. the mixed signals hurt me and confuse me. my mind is always thinking about him. i can't stop thinking about him at all. i sometimes feel he hates me. but he referred to the time where he literally said "I love you." to me. i don't like these mixed emotions. is it too early for me to like someone? it's been over a month.. is he toxic? i just don't know. i like him a lot. i just feel so upset all the time. :/ if you actually read this, thank you. i love and appreciate you so much.

-erin </3