Mike Lindell (My Pillow CEO) X Reader

A Little Relaxation Goes A Long Way

   You slap the knife of mayo unto the whole wheat, gluten free, whole grain slice. You then flip the bread unto the other slice posessing an assortment of delights, bringing your creation to a finalization. "Time to call this shit a day!" you exhale and lift the sandwich to your succulent juicy blush pink lips. You tread over to your familiar sofa and dump your buttocks into the support of the cushioning. "Time for some T.V." you think as you mindlessly reach for the remote. You thumb the power button.

   "We will return to 'Racism Rocks!' shortly after these following messages!" the T.V. chirps. "Ugh, damnit, I missed some of my favourite show already." you think to yourself.

   "Hello, I'm Mike Lindell, inventor of My Pillow." your jaw drops. "Who is this hottie again?!" You violently reach for the remote and thumb at the replay button to relive those two useless seconds. "Hello, I'm Mike Lindell, inventor of My Pillow." your maw begins to salivate. "He's kind of cute, I don't think I'll mind watching the rest of this shit." you state in your feeble mind.

   "Thanks to your support you've helped make My Pillow become one of the fastest growing companies in America." You peer down at the sandwich crumbs graced against your fat thighs. You begin aloud; "I don't think I've helped you at all Mike but, whatever you say, Goo-goo Bear."

   "Over the last twelve years you've helped My Pillow create thousands of jobs right here in the USA." You begin to play into his vivacious schemes. "Did I ever help him? Did I accidentally donate to this bitch on Patreon? Did I pick him up at the Red Light District in Las Vegas and forget- no wait, I was sober that time." You fumble with your memories and thoughts. "Every My Pillow made in the USA is made with passion here in my home state of Minnesota, to ensure you get the best sleep of your life." Two words click with your soul. "Passion." "Sleep." Passion. You begin to get sweaty and nervous. Sleep. You begin to imagine yourself in a different kind of sleep. Which may involve positions. Your position as "Project Manager" at your place of work were you frequently drift into sleep. The thought infiltrates your mind, "I hate my job."

   "One of the things I really li-" you interrupt the elderly couple on the T.V. "Shut up old hag, I don't have time for your bullshit I need to see Mike." you grit through your teeth as you jam furiously at your remote.

   "Sleep is one of the most important things to your health and My Pillow is one of the most important things to your sleep." You begin to disagree with Dream Genie. "I think your state of mental health and physical health affects your sleep more than your fucking pillow, Mike," you pause your thoughts.

   "Eh, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, you're still hotter than a griddle left on medium heat." you smirk.

   "Call or go to MyPillow.com now and Mike will give you two My Pillow premiums for one low price." You gawk at all the information you've just been gifted with. Your mind floods with observations and thoughts; "Call? He really left his phone number here, 1-800-976-8716. I can booty call him and get a piece of that pillow?  TWO My Pillow Premiums?! ONE low price? Yeah, well I can go lower than any price can, hit me up Mikey." The commercial continues. "Use the promo code and you'll also recieve free shipping! That's two My Pillow premiums for one low price." You stare at the promo code. "Sleep44, huh?" You then think, "Free shipping, ugh don't tell me he ACTUALLY has a small package, deal breaker." you frown.

   "I tried every pillow from expensive down pillows that just went flat, to fiberfill pillows that rebound every time you move you head." You gasp in disgust. "A pillow that's flat is the equivalent of a flat ass, not cute. You think, "If he likes his pillows thick he'll sure as hell enjoy me." You acknowledge your spilling thighs on the sofa.

   
   "I even tried those memory foam pillows and the curve did not match my neck and it probably won't match yours." Your thoughts begin to morph. "Curve? Bitch, I got curves. And I got Match.com, since obviously that's what you're referring to." Mike begins his next chant, "That's why I invented My Pillow, my patented fill-" Wait. You rewind and pause the commercial. You fixate your vision upon his plump hindquarters. "I see that patented fill now."

   "Now, for the low price of $19.99, you can have sex with me."

   The last words reverberate around your skull like a wolf's howl in the grotto. "No. This shit isn't real!" You look at your hands dreadfully. They're beset with tiny holes and begin to melt into purple ooze. A foul smell overcomes you. Molded turkey. "I thought I threw that out last week!" Instantaneously, your living room windows shatter. The shards of glass drift slowly in your living room. Then you gaze out the window in a wide, unsteady stance. You can see the galaxy, for miles.

   A large behemoth appears in the epicenter of the universe. It's quickly coming towards you. "Fuck! What the hell!" you clasp your eyelids shut and ball your fists. "It's not real, it's not real, it's not real.." you assure yourself many times and then open your eyes.

   You return to your living room. Mike's bodacious bubble butt is still displayed on your LG T.V. "That's enough My Pillow for one day." you exhale shakily and struggle to turn the T.V. off.

   "Time for bed, I need some rest. I have work tomorrow anyways." You creak open your bedroom chamber and tread carefully to your bed. You climb under the thick fuzzy blankets and relax. You shut your eyes and smile to prepare for a good night's sleep.

"to ensure you get the best sleep of your life, life, life..."
"Sleep is one of the most important things, things, things..."
"and My Pillow is one of the most important things to your sleep, sleep, sleep..."

Your eyes instantly open, bloodshot.
"Just go away! Leave me alone!"
You sob out a scream.
You then choke on your tears and stop.

For the best night's sleep
In the whole wide world
Visit MyPillow.com