The Power of L.A.

September 19, 1979.

I arrived here with a dream, but like everything good in life, it just fades away... I remember when I first stepped here, it was... like magic. This place knows how to destroy every dream that you've ever had, it's incredible. Exactly a year ago I was waiting for that audition, I remember I smiled so much I felt my cheeks hurting at some point, I was so confident about myself.. Now I'm writing on a stupid diary wishing I had never came. Destroying lives, that's the power of L.A.

September 23, 1979.

Why do I still care? Why am I still here?? I could move, start my life from scratch, but I simply don't,  I'm somehow linked here, after everything, I hate that, I hate walking along the boulevard with all the stars on the ground, I hate to watch every face around here, they are all dreamers, just like I am.. No, just like I was. Perhaps they are stronger than me.

I remember when I arrived in my first audition; they just said that I could never make it, but they saw my vulnerability at the moment and took advantage from it manipulating me; they built me up in the way they want me to be. The sun was in my eyes blinding me so I couldn't notice what they were doing to me. I just couldn't believe that I was "realizing" my dream... It was like the drink of paradise, all the nights at the Chateau, riches all around... The sunsets in my bungalow... Too good to be true.

I started to realize everything in December, but I was used for four months, they did everything they wanted to me, and I was foolish enough to fall perfectly into their trap, and when I tried to do everything in my way they cut me off.. I was just a disposable piece in their game.

At least now I own my own life, and I can control what I want. I don't think Los Angeles is the place for me anymore. It never was.

September 27, 1979.

Today was one of the worse days of my life. I was walking when I saw a sign, in this sign was written "Tarot Reading" and I decided to go there and see what would happen. Why do I only make wrong choices!?? The old woman started to put the cards in the small table between us. I looked at death in the tarot card and I felt like my world was falling. She read all the cards for me and I saw what I have to do.

In my way back home I just couldn't stop thinking that nobody knows me here, I have no friends here.. And now, I'm dying.

October 3, 1979.

I still can't believe that I'm dying in L.A. and the only thing I have  to "tell" what I'm feeling is a diary, It's so dumb that I'm still writing in this.

October 4, 1979.

The only way I found to get myself distracted is getting numb, I know that is against all my values but I need it, I need to stop thinking about death, I need to finally turn me off of this.

October 7, 1979.

This month I only wrote rubbish in here, but I'll probably continue that way.

By the way, someone told me to put my blood on ice, I don't know what the heck that means, it's probably something related to Halloween or that drink called Bloody Mary or something like that, but I don't like them both, so..

These days I've been wondering how I'm going to die.. Hope that in a painless way.

October 18, 1979.

I can't sleep, I'm trying but I just can't. Now I'm here writing, drinking some tea and wondering about life, actually I'm wondering a lot about the space, when we see the light from the stars, it's like a time travel, we are looking back in time because it took light hundreds, thousands or millions of years for the light to reach earth, that's so strange, basically nobody doesn't even stop for a minute to observe them, maybe if I watch the sky I can witness the last spark of a star.

October 27, 1979.

Today it's been a month since I went to the fortune teller, I noticed that I learned a lesson, It's not good to know the future, I think people should just live their lives, live the present, I don't think it's good to worry about the future and to be linked in the past, and I used to do that, I was linked in the past, I still am... But I'll try to change that, I need to stop worrying about the future too. When this death stuff started, I stopped living my life; I would just think about it, and now? I'll leave it behind me, along with everything else.

October 31, 1979.

It's Halloween, I was downtown earlier today, it's cute to see all the children dressed trying to scare random people, and it's fun to see adults in their costumes looking like fools, but I have to say that there are some costumes that wow! But now I'm just relaxing at home watching the sunset.

September 19, 1980.

Now I'm finally able to understand the death tarot card. L.A. was killing me slowly, I was stuck there; I didn't allow myself to live my life, I was just reliving the past in my mind all the time, wondering about how bad my life was etc. And now, I'm living in another place, London. I never thought I would find everything I dreamed  here, but I did. I got married last year with the best person I could ever dream of, I had a baby girl, she is wonderful. And now, I have a really great job, I'm a filmmaker. I don't know why I'm writing in this old diary again it's like I'm talking to myself or pretending to talk to someone, but now I really have a reason to write, good stories and moments to record, so I will, having the best time of my life.