Before We Turn to Stone

Season 16, Episode 23: Remember My Name

"I need something bigger than the sky,

Hold it in my arms and know it's mine.

Just how many stars will I need to hang around me

To finally call it heaven?"

* * *

Two weeks later.

As Jo's voice rings out across the loft, it is clear she has had enough.

"Alex. You have to come in to work."

He quits pretending to be asleep and rolls onto his back. She's standing at the foot of the bed, dressed for work, her arms folded across her chest in angry slashes.

"I'm taking time off," he reminds her. "Cleared it with Bailey." By contrast his voice sounds like it hasn't been used in ages – which, he supposes, it hasn't. He's mostly spent the last few weeks walking aimlessly around Colman Dock, scarfing down street food when his empty stomach finally roars its complaints, coming home and climbing into bed long after he's sure Jo will be asleep.

"You're moping," she retorts. "You'll feel better if you get up and come to the hospital."

She moves to the side of the bed and reaches out to touch his shoulder. The idea of anyone touching him makes something molten and acidic rise inside him. He shrugs out of her reach.

"Look. I know things are... not good now. With us. And I know you miss Eli and Alexis. But come to work: see some patients, be a superhero for a little bit. It'll help, I know it will." She gestures coaxingly to their dining table where a thick courier's envelope lays in the very center. "Or hey, if you don't want to come in, go over the custody proposal the lawyer sent over. Get the ball moving on that. The sooner we do that, the sooner we'll get to see the kids, right?"

"...right."

He falls silent again, hoping she'll take the hint and just go to work.

She does, but not without a sigh and a slam of the door behind her.

He considers going back to sleep, but now that she's drawn attention to it, he can't look away from the envelope on their dining table. He's not scared of what's in those custody documents: he trusts Izzie completely. But the minute he opens the envelope and looks at what Izzie and her lawyer have drawn up, his choice will become real.

And he is putting that moment off as long as he can.

So instead he gets up and takes a shower, turning up the water as hot as it will go. The shower is the only place he really lets himself think about Izzie – about her laugh and her eyes full of love for him and his fingers spread wide across the place where her waist meets her hips. If he thought he missed her before, it is nothing compared to now. Now he is hollowed out without her.

He's dressed and puttering around the kitchen when someone knocks at the loft door.

His heart jumps, supercharged. Please...

He practically sprints to the door and flings it open.

It's the only time in his life he's been disappointed to see Meredith.

She sweeps her eyes over him. "You look like crap."

He rolls his eyes. "Jo send you?" he asks.

"No. Bailey did."

He wasn't expecting that – and because it was Bailey, he lets her in.

"I'm fine," he says preemptively. He grabs a box of cereal and shows it to her before shoving his fist into its depths. "Eating and sleeping and all that. You don't need to check up on me." He crams a fistful of cereal into his mouth.