Imagines

Overhaul (Kai Chisaki) x Reader

Eye contact couldn't come easily to him anymore.

Perhaps he thought his own eyes were too expressive— vulnerability fractured his irises while sadness shone on his scleras and anger burned red behind his pupils. Or perhaps it was what he'd see in another's eyes— as if their emotions could tear through his empathetic chest before he had the chance to turn such a sensitivity off as if he was afraid the reflection he'd see of himself in them would be as broken as he constantly felt.

Whatever it was, Kai often kept his eyes on his shoes, on walls, on anything other than the person he was speaking to. He found himself appreciating those who would search a room as they spoke, eyes drifting from left to right as they rattled on about something or another so Lai could finally gauge their expressions, gauge their features, study their mannerisms. He was an excellent listener, after all.

It was when they stopped speaking, when they met his eyes with the hopes of judging his feelings for themselves, that he shut down and sent that slate golden gaze away. His emotions were for him to feel and deny, not for another to discover and manipulate.

He liked her eyes, though. He liked staring into them as she spoke and as he spoke back, comparing them to nature and warmth and sunsets and relief in his jigsaw puzzle of a mind and also having the feeling of cleanliness in her. He'd stare into her eyes as much as he could, even a little bit longer after he'd be caught falling victim to the craving on a mundane afternoon.

In darker times, he wouldn't give in, he couldn't give in— maybe it was selfish as he didn't want to see how sad it made her see him so low and maybe it was altruistic as he couldn't imagine cracking her even a fraction of how much he was shattered. Most times he'd avert his gaze and shake his head as if in disbelief that he could allow himself such an indulgence. But when there was light and Kai was feeling like himself, he'd smile in that tiny way and shrug like she couldn't blame him for not being able to help himself, like she couldn't blame him for staring at the moon even if the moon drained his lungs and pulled something deep within his chest.

She'd frequently communicate with her eyes and Kai knew their language fluently. He knew what the rolls and narrowing and widening all signified, what the slight tick to the right could mean and why she'd sometimes stare sideways. He knew all there was to know about her eyes, except for the way they looked when he made her come apart over and over again.

Sex was not something Kai took lightly anymore. It was not something he entered into easily and without thought or restraint. But he loved her, he loved her voice and the feel of her and everything about her, and if she wanted an arrangement where sex was the only thing he was allowed, he would sign on every dotted line required if that meant he could be around her, be inside her, as much as humanly possible.

However, while he would give and be giving as much of himself as he could to her, he'd seal his eyes from hers the moment he'd feel her walls clench and flutter around him. He was sure he'd lose control if he saw her eyes in those moments if he saw her pupils dilate or her irises darken or her eyelids fall just a few inches. Especially if he saw in her eyes a mere iota of what he felt in his every cell, especially if he couldn't see it if he couldn't find it.

There was finality in seeing her eyes at a moment like that, a real certainty he wouldn't be able to take. And he couldn't risk that. Bliss was borne of ignorance, right?

Of course, the arrangement they'd been operating under wasn't exactly ideal in her mind, either. She cared for Kai, always had, but didn't want to push it. He'd been through a lot after all, constantly cold from the loss of arms and unable to sleep from the nightmares from the league, and she couldn't add to that. She couldn't have him isolating himself from the fear of too much, she couldn't be the reason progress was undone.