CH. 34 | LOVE RUINS YOU "it's a church of burnt romances, and I'm too far gone to pray, it's a solo song and it's only for the brave." — louis tomlinson
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april 5, 2018.
i've been thinking about my dad more than usual recently. it's probably because stan knows. which is fine, i like that he knows. but because he knows and i know that he knows it scares me and i've been just thinking. i haven't thought about smoking in a long time but this morning i woke up with stan next to me and i've been itching for a square all morning. is that bad?
it could mean i'm finally getting over my father's death and going back to old habits. but most of the time going back to old habits isn't a good thing.
richie said his parents go back to old habits a lot. i'm not completely sure what he was talking about but i figured it has to do with why he comes to school with foggy glasses and the smell of rum on him some days. i want to help him but i know i'm not the right person.
i can say stan is the most complex person i have ever met and probably ever will meet. he's scared of his parents knowing about us, but i'm not sure why. they seem understanding and sweet, so i'm confused but i'm not going to push him to talk about it. which is strange, because he doesn't act closeted. he's so free. everything he does is shameless and easy. i'm waiting for him to get cold feet and bolt, and it hasn't been long, but so far, he's stayed put. maybe i just need to let him do things at his own pace before i can feel safe staying.
i think i believe in soulmates. i'm not really sure, but it makes sense. because there's a lot of ways it could be real, right? it could be something in our chemistry, or our genetics. it could have something to do with where our atoms ended up immediately after the creation of the universe. atoms once close just come back together lifetime after lifetime. humans have souls, a consciousness that we can't shed. and when we die, where does all that energy go? all that matter? is it recycled, so we can keep finding the same people? maybe i'm just saying i believe in reincarnation. but not in the sense that we get wiser with each new life. just maybe that we're given a set expanse of people that will mean something in every lifetime.
i think stan is one of those people. i think derry is where we both started.
we fucked last night and i blew him and i'm scared that he won't want to do it again, even though he reassured me over five times before he fell asleep that he really liked it. i'd just never been with a boy like him before. i don't want to ruin it.
being with him makes me happy in the real way, not the hollow, air thin way. i'm scared i'll fuck it up but i can't stop.
