- KILLING LONELINESS / Vam

- ᴋɪʟʟɪɴɢ ʟᴏɴᴇʟɪɴᴇꜱꜱ

I look over to my phone on the coffee table. It's ringing quietly, barely being heard over the sound of my TV. I'm not sure what woke me, it definitely wasn't my phone. Tired, I look over to see who it is. "Bammie," it says on the small screen. I pick up my phone and flip it open, pressing it to my ear and breathing out groggily,
"Hello?"
Bam giggles on the other end, "Did I wake you up?" I let out a quiet "mhm," hoping he could hear. He did, to which he mumbled "Sorry," pausing for a second before starting up again with that always ecstatic voice of his. 
"Sooo, I kinda thought you'd be awake, since it's the middle of the day over there. But can you do something for me?" He asks, giggling at the end. I smile, as if he could see, and quickly accept. "Great!" He exclaims. My heart flutters at his excited tone. "Go outside for me, and then hang up for a sec." 
Confused, I mumble, "okay," before getting up off my couch. I put the phone down for a second and put my beanie and jacket on, pressing it back to my ear as I walk outside. 
"Okay, I'm outside, I'll hang up," I say before closing the phone. 
"Willa," I hear to my left, a nickname Bam always calls me. Even more confused than before, my eyes shoot over to my left to see Bam standing there surrounded by suitcases. I gasp, my heart fluttering yet again. I hadn't seen the man in a year, and oh how I missed him. I'd known him for about three years, and in that time I'd fallen head over heels in love with him. Yet, I'd never be able to tell him that. He'd hate me, I'd ruin our friendship. 
I smile widely and dash over to him, almost taking him to the ground in a hug. He laughs, hugging back after regaining balance. He hugs me tight, snuggling his head into the crook of my neck. He sighs in relief, as if he had been waiting to be in my arms forever. I've been waiting to hug him forever, or at least that's what it felt like to me. I hug him back tighter, rocking us back and forth a bit before finally pulling away. 
"Somebody missed me!" He exclaimed, that adorable laugh coming out of him again as he smiled widely, his cerulean blue eyes filled with happiness. "Yeah," I breathe, totally lost in thought. He smiles softly, looking into my eyes. I'm lost. Lost in that beautiful sky blue that perfectly goes together with his chocolate colored hair, the way his curls fall perfectly match his face. He's just so handsome. I snap back to reality as he says my nickname. 
"Willa?" He questions. 
"Oh, sorry, I was thinking," 
He just giggles. 
"Anyway, come inside. I'll help with your bags." I smile. 

We've finally brought his bags inside and settled down on my couch. "Wow, it's so quiet here," he says. 
"Oh, yeah," I chuckle. "It's pretty lonely, but I like it."
He pouts, teasing me. "Awh, do you like it more without my company?!" He giggles, breaking his act that I didn't even believe in the first place. I smile and chuckle, putting a hand on his cheek. "No," I say softly. "It's so much better with you here," I say, grinning. I pull my hand back and look towards the TV. I swear, out of the corner of my eye I saw him put his own hand up to his cheek and pout for real before looking over to the TV as well. 
We watch whatever channel I could find that was in full English before Bam breaks the silence, "Villeeee," He whines, dragging the "e" sound as he slides toward me, his head landing on my shoulder. I chuckle, wrapping my arm around his waist. We've always gotten close to each other like this. We were just comfortable with each other. I think it was a trust thing, a friend thing, nothing more, to Bam. But to me, it made my heart beat out of my chest sometimes, wishing I could kiss him or touch him in ways that meant more.
"Yeeeees?" I drag the "e" as well, replicating what he did. He looks up and smiles at me, my heart doing flips inside my chest. 
"Mmbored." He mumbles, crossing his arms. He snuggles into my shoulder. He's obviously tired. Jet lag, I'd guess. He did come here all the way from Pennsylvania. "Are you sleepy?" I ask, though I know the answer. "You can go take a nap, I'll be here." 
He says what I least expected and sleepily whispers, "Yesss. I'm sleepy. I want you to come sleep with me though...or lay with me at least. I've been lonely at home too, that's kinda why I came here," he says the last part quieter, as if ashamed. "Aw, I'll go lay with you, c'mon," I say, helping him get up and walk over to my room. "By the way, Bammie, you can come over whenever you like and stay for however long. I can even pay for your plane tickets."
"Nono, paying for my tickets is way too much, it's okay. I have money anyways."
I say nothing and lay down on one side of the bed. He lays down on the other. I turn on the TV and watch for a while. I figure Bam fell asleep, but after about twenty minutes he turns to me. I didn't notice he had moved until he scooted himself over to me and laid his head on my chest. I smile and put my arm over him, looking at this cutie laying on top of me. A light blush comes to my pale face, but I just hope he doesn't notice. I put my hand in his hair and run my fingers through his chocolate curls, singing Killing Loneliness to him softly. He smiles and closes his eyes, listening.
"Memories, sharp as daggers, piercing into the flesh of today," I sing. I pour my heart into every word. I know he's falling asleep and he won't hear the whole song, but I try to send a message to him with it. That's why I picked that song to sing out of every other. I don't know if he'll notice, but I sing anyway. "Suicide of love take away all that matters, and buried the remains in an unmarked grave in your heart.
"With the venomous kiss you gave me, I'm killing loneliness. With the warmth of your arms you saved me," I wrap both my arms around him and hug him tightly, holding him like a baby. "Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you. The killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb," My voice breaks. Bam is fast asleep, snoring quietly in my arms. Tears fill my eyes as I sing the last line of the chorus, my voice shaky, "I'm killing loneliness."
The hot tears run down my cheeks like waterfalls. I lean back so my tears don't drop onto Bam. I stifle my sobs, my shoulders shaking with every one as I cry. I want to tell Bam just how much I love him, but there's always going to be that feeling that he'll hate me, he'll call me a fag, push me away, and never talk to me again. How do I stay with him when all I can think about is this? I really need  to push these thoughts away. I'll be alright. My heart has been broken before. But has it been this bad…? I close my eyes and cry, drifting off to sleep after a while.
I wake up to see Bam gone. I rub my eyes and get up, walking out of the room to find him. "Bam?" I say quietly, my eyes heavy from crying earlier, walking through the hallway. "BamBam…?" I whisper, trailing off, as I hear him quietly singing one of my songs from the living room. I stand in the hall, listening to him. I listen to his adorable singing, leaning against the wall of the hallway. It feels like I'm melting as I hear him sing the lyrics of a song I wrote for him, Vampire Heart.
I wait a couple minutes before walking into the living room, pretending I heard nothing. 
"Did something happen, Bammie?" I ask, leaning over the back of the couch to look at him. He looks at me, his face red. He answers, "No, nothing happened, Willa," He looks down. He exclaims out of nowhere, after a long pause. "V!!!" He rolls off the couch. Bam is so random and stupid, in a good way. "Guess what, Willa!" He yells, smiling widely. "Hm?" I I tilt my head a bit. "I looove yoou!" He giggles. I smile. 
I examine him. Yeah. Drunk. As I thought. My depressed thoughts come back as my eyes become filled with tears again. Even though he's nearly sober at the moment, I still believe his words were just the alcohol talking. I got so excited for a second, thinking he loved me. "Uhm, Bam, I'll be back," I mumble, to which he exclaims, "Okay!" before getting up and sitting back on the couch. 
I walk into the bathroom in my room, closing the door and sitting in the corner of the bathroom, my knees up to my chest. He didn't mean anything. He doesn't mean anything he does, I say to myself. A tear falls from my eye as all my thoughts come flooding back. I wish he wasn't drunk. I wish he meant it. He doesn't love me. He never will. He's gonna think I'm a freak if I ever told him how I feel. I sob, letting myself this time. Hopefully he wouldn't hear. I always hated crying, but god, I needed to fully let myself for once.
As I cry, it seems never ending. I hug my knees tight, crying so hard I feel my chest tightening a bit. I shrug it off. Let me die. Let me have an asthma attack and die here in the bathroom. I take sharp breaths in, feeling my chest really tightening now. I'm still crying as I start wheezing, pulling my head up to look at the wall and letting my legs out. As I feel it's getting hard to breathe, Bam rams in, panic and fear in his eyes. "VILLE!" he screams, panicking for a moment before running to my nightstand and grabbing my inhaler, running back in the bathroom and falling to his knees, sliding toward me. He snakes his right arm under me, to my back. He lifts me up and puts the inhaler to my mouth, he clicks it down, the medicine spraying into my mouth but I don't inhale. I see tears come to his eyes as he creaks, "Ville, Ville please, please take it, please, please, please," I hate seeing him like this, but I stare at him blankly as I wheeze, it getting way harder to breathe, as he tries to make me puff again. I don't. He starts crying, his beautiful eyes filled with pain and he speaks again, louder this time, "VILLE, PLEASE, PLEASE JUST TAKE IT. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU."
The pain and desperation in his voice breaks my heart, he really does care. But does he love? He clicks the inhaler again, and I take it this time. He clicks it one more time, and I take it, relaxing in his arms as my breathing gets back to normal, my heart beating fast. I put my hand to his chest. His is also beating fast. I hope I'm somewhere in that heart of his. 
He drops the inhaler, putting both of his arms around me and pulls me in for a hug, hugging me tighter than ever. He cries. I feel his tears dropping onto my back. "You scared me so bad, Ville," He sniffles. "Please don't do that. I can't lose you, I can't."
"I'm sorry," I whisper, still crying from my thoughts. 
"Now," he says softly, in an affectionate tone. He pulls away from the hug and lays me in his lap, his arms ready to pick me up bridal style if he were to stand. "I heard you crying. Why?"
I'm silent, staring into his eyes. The beautiful sky blue is still sprinkled with pain. I sigh and look to the wall again. "Ville," He whispers. "Please tell me, you know you can tell me anything," He frowns again, putting his hand to my chin and making me face him. 
"You'll hate me," I say. 
He looks insanely worried as he wipes some tears away from my face. "I won't," he says. "Never," he whispers, his word firm and true. 
I sob once, holding onto his shoulders and shoving my face in his chest, staining his anemic sweater a darker gray with my tears. He holds me close. It's so comforting. I feel so safe in his arms. 
But here I go, about to ruin our friendship.
I pull away from his chest and get out of his lap. I face him. He looks worried and confused. I take a deep breath in and close my eyes. 
"I was crying...because…" I pause. "Because, Bam, I'm in love with you." 
I close my eyes tight, my whole body stiff as I stare at the ground. It's completely silent. No movement or anything. I fucked it up, I fucked it up, I fucked it up, I repeat in my head. But I hear Bam move towards me, his hand holding my chin again. He lifts my head up to him, and I open my eyes. He's an inch away from my face. Tears fall from his eyes and he whispers what I've been longing to hear, "I love you too, Willa," He smiles, pressing his lips to mine. I close my eyes and kiss back, smiling as well. It feels like I've walked into the sun, I feel so hot and my face is completely red. I feel so warm, so happy. He pulls away and stares into my eyes. 
He sings, "I'm killing loneliness with you," he smiles wider. "I understood, though I fell asleep. I got your message."
I kiss him again.