Worthy of Death

Tears roll down my face and I bit my lower lip hard to keep in the sob that tried to escape. My chest feels tight and it feels like there is a wall surrounding me closing in that I could hardly breathe. I'm kneeling on the kitchen floor of my house keeled over in the fetal position gripping the hilt of a knife. It has been so long, I think. So long since I had cut last. I thought that I had stopped for good, but today at school those bitches and asshole of a boyfriend had to push me to the edge again.

You're worthless. They said

You mean nothing to me. He said

No one could ever love you. He said

I hate you. Brannon has said

Why don't you just die! Said the guy, Brannon, who I loved.

My body began to wrack with sobs as his words swam in my head. I craved for a release and right now, as I gripped the knife in my hand tighter, this was the best way. I rolled up the sleeve of my green shirt and placing the blade of the knife where long since healed scars were before.

My sobbing had decreased and I paused for a moment closing my eyes feeling more tears stream down my cheeks. I ran the blade across my forearm flinching at the hot pain that the knife left. I began to breath evenly again and my sobbing came to a stop. I placed the knife closer to my wrist and cut again. The pain was greater this time, but I felt more relief from it as it felt like my emotional pain was being replaced with my physical.

I was beginning to feel more empty and hollow. I brought the knife down a third time and as I heard Brannon's voice in my head, the knife in my hand slipped a little and cut deeper into my wrist then I had dared before. I gasped in the new pain and new tears stung my eyes. I dropped the knife in shock at what I had done. I hadn't meant to cut that deep, I never had before. This knew feeling of distress and pain made me forget why I had done this in the first place and it made me realize that I wasn't actually ready to die.

I placed my hand over my wrist to stop the bleeding. But immediately I began to hear Brannon's voice again about how worthless I was and that he never loved me. The pain in my chest grew and I wanted it to stop. I needed the pain to stop! I couldn't take it, I couldn't take the hate and pain anymore.

I took my hand off the wound and lay on the floor watching the scarlet of my veins drain out of me. my vision was becoming blurry and my body feeling light. So this is what death feels like? My breathing became even and the tears finally stopped.

Everyone was wrong, I was worthy.

I was worthy of death.