Today the world stood still...like the sound of birds and the rustling of tree branches halted completely. It was odd. Being as quiet as it was, it just seemed supernatural. Like some form of ripple in the waves of existence kind of just glitched for half a second. Or was it a minute? An hour? Honestly it felt like forever and no time at all, all at once.
Who am I? Where do I fit in? How do you tell someone how you feel in hoping they lend a helping hand, only to have a knife in the other hidden from view? My life has been a constant circle of ups and downs and ups and downs. I guess that's how it works though right? A constant stream of negative and positive emotions flowing in the same spot for eternity. The circle of life. What a crock of shit.
To the people in this world that live with certainty in their steps, how do you do it? How is every day a sunny one even when clouds are grey? How is every conversation and uplifting one or...or how do you keep the plans you make with people without fighting every urge to cancel it because you're scared? How? To live a day in your shoes...no...not even a day, just a few minutes would be heaven. Sure I don't know your junk that's hidden in the closet, but yet you don't know mine. Neither of us knows. Tragic really.
I wish it was easy for me to talk to people about my emotions. The things I hate and the things I love.....the people I love. I fall for people easy sure, but do I not get happiness too like the rest of them? Am I not allowed to have that someone to come home to at night when the day has just shit on you and all you wanna do is cry? Why instead of a partner do I settle for my pillow KNOWING that it doesn't care...because the truth is, every partner I've ever had was like the pillow anyways. Shallow and degrading. Miserable fucking cunts! I don't use that word as often as I should, or to the right people...but they earned their titles. They deserve to wear the inverted jagged crown of thorns, to have it pierce their heads.
If only they could see that just because you have a crown, that doesn't make you king. It makes you a fool with no morality or concept of passion. The day that either of them apologizes for the trauma I have been through, will be the day I find peace again. Torment isn't fun. It isn't a pretty show for horror buffs or thrill seekers. It's emotional de-rationalization of ones inner core. It's death without dying. It's macabre. I don't want to be the victim anymore. Sure they will say "then move on and stop playing they victim." Heh, if only it were that easy. If only I could wave a magic stick around and have all my problems disappear because I said they would. Well I guess I'd be happy then wouldn't I? I'd be skinny instead of fat. I'd be rich instead of a money spender. I'd be likeable and wanted by at least someone. But not...darling the world doesn't work like that. It's hateful and cruel.
