Amber's Summer

I sip one last drop of champagne while I casually sit on the huge chalet sofa. I can hear my personal phone and home telephone ringing here and there, sometimes alternately, sometimes simultaneously. Must be my manager, worse the president of my agency, worst reporters.

If it was years ago, or maybe even yesterday, I'd be flustered and be all over my heels, just to heed every call. But today's just not the day. I will not lift a finger, or at least don't want to. I know my manager just wants to see any possibility of saving me, or at least my reputation before I even lose my career. But at this point, I can't help but ask, is my career even worth saving? Or maybe the right question is, is there anything of my career left to save? I guess none.

When I was a child, I would throw a tantrum whenever my mother refused to buy me an issue of Elle or Vogue magazine. Then when I reach home, I would repeatedly flip every page and be amused by how the models can bring life to every piece of clothing or accessory. How they can communicate their message, whether personal or political, to the readers through their body language. And I wanted to do that, too.

The same way, I would meticulously rewatch movies, especially those of Anne Hathaway and Reese Witherspoon. By the time I was nine, I almost memorized the script of The Princess Diaries and Legally Blonde! It was also during that time that Anne Hathaway made a movie with Meryl Streep, Devil Wears Prada. And I knew for sure, I wanted to be like them. I wanted to make a name for myself in the movie industry---Amber Anderson, smexy and daring.

I worked very hard to achieve what I have now. Tons of sleepless nights and being rejected in innumerous auditions, I was able to acquire minor roles---until the directors recognized my talent and gave me bigger roles. In just three years, my career skyrocketed. I didn't know I could make it here.

But I guess my career's going to plummet twice in speed as it soared.

"Hindi lang tao ang namamatay sa panahon ngayon, pati pag-ibig!" said the gay showbiz news correspondent for yesterday evening news. He jokingly related my called off wedding to COVID-19!

"What could have been Amber Anderson's best summer turned out to be the worst as boyfriend Vincent Lopez announces their break up," said the first line of a news article on Facebook.

People on social media were quick to say, "They weren't fit for each other anyway," or "Mas bagay naman talaga kasi noong una pa lang sina Vince at Jea," talking about Vince's loveteam partner before we became in a relationship. O kaya naman, "Ano ba iyan? Panahon ng krisis! We have no time for celebrity drama!"

I know what I am contemplating right now is nothing compared to the families who can't even grieve for their dead love ones properly, or the OFWs who are stuck in quarantine waiting for their swab test tesults, or the families who are out of money and did not receive financial assistance... but then... is my pain not valid?

I decided to walk out of my villa to order a cocktail down the nearby tiki bar. I have already gulped every bottle of liquor inside my fridge since yesterday. It was a week's supply but I chugged all of it in just a matter of two days.

The wild salty air immediately attacked my nose when I opened the door. I keep my head down, pulling my black ballcap's lid towards my face, with my eyes on the ground as I walk outside because I know once people recognize me, they will be talking and laughing at me. Worse, the media will know I'm here and by then my peaceful isolation is done. I never want to show anyone that they are getting to me, that's why I'm hiding.

This could have been the best summer for me---Amber's best summer as it's called by the news just a year ago. But fall came very early this year, at least for me.