The nebulous truths

truth number one

She is long gone by now.
Although I can sometimes hear our conversations in the howling winds and see her sunlike face in my dreams.
There is a part of me torn and forever gone with her.
Memories of our time together is scattered all over my soul so it might take some time to gather them and make them whole again.
I hope by the end, I've made justice.

When I think about the period of time I got to spend with her, I wonder if it was all a borrowed miracle.
A parcel that needed to be returned back to it's owner.

It makes me enraged or to be honest, desperate.
Because once you get a taste of happiness it becomes damn hard if not impossible to turn back to a life without it.
You would wonder how were you even alive before feeling something that exquisite in your dull life.
And naturally once it's been taken away from you, you would say that the time you got together was not enough.
You would say that you deserved an eternity to be near her, and believe me when I say that it wouldn't be enough either.
For when have love and peace been  ever enough?

She was a luminous star.
A star that both her and I feared individually that would someday die.

There were people around her who adored her as family and friend, yet somehow I knew her better than they ever did.
For no one ever tried or perhaps dared to see her as she really was and not as the picture she kept presenting.
And for all I know, even i might have failed at the attempt by the end.

The brighter the fire, the thicker the smoke, and considering she was the brightest of the flames, go figure the rest yourself!

In evenings when the heat was at it most, we laid down on our Persian carpets, while her head rest on my abdomen and my fingers in her smooth hair.
The light that came from the window would make her face glow,
And the strains of her hair seemed like spined gold.

Then, She would tell me of how her day went.
A spectrum of events.
Every single detail about her daydreams.
And I would have gladly listened to them.
The enthusiasm in her words was like a sweet lullaby.
She would laugh and giggle about the little things we found irrelevant around ourselves and among our companions.
The inside jokes that no one would get but us.
Sometimes it breaks me how perfect we seemed to be.
How spotless.
But nothing is really that sweet is it ?

A creature of words and emotions.
She cared deeply about everything and nothing.
Sipping from the fountain of feelings like it was the nectar of Gods.
Her features were the mirror reflecting everything she felt at the moment.
Every frown, every teeth showing smile, teary eyes, and exited red cheeks.
Though some emotions burned scorcher than others.
Rage and fury for instance.
You should have seen how it took everything in her willpower not to unleash herself!
How she clenched her fists, trying to focus on anything but the wrath.
Looking back at it now, I don't know whether she was more furious about not being able to allow herself to show that anger and fight back or she was actually mad at the matter in hand.
But nothing would change her choosing silence each time.
it occurs to me that maybe she believed that keeping quiet was the only way to get by.
The best way to be out of trouble.
And probably the best way to prevent everyone else noticing how vulnerable and disgusted she felt by the assaults.
She felt strongly.
Just like an amplifier, she would take a sensation inside her as a seed and within seconds it would turn into full blooms.
It was like being in a colorful feast around her.
Never disappointing.
Albeit, it's fair to admit that sometimes the way she absorbed her surroundings frightened me.
Because how many seeds can a garden hold before it gets too full?

I would guess that she was the way she was partly in courtesy of wanting to hide a major part of herself.

Some would believe it as a fear, yet
Everyone handles it differently.