Lost Under The Rain

Si Clarken, ang bestfriend kong makulit at ubod ng hambog pero sobrang sweet at caring na tao. We've been friends since highschool till now na college na kami.

I admit, mahal ko yon, mahal na mahal. No of course, not as a friend. I love him because he's Clarken.

Tanda ko pa ang lahat dati.

Grade 8 kami noon ng maging kaklase ko sya. He was a transfered student. Sobrang crush ko sya nun to the point na naglalagay ako palihim ng mga chocolates at love letters sa locker niya. Unknown lang kasi nahihiya akong umamin.
One time, kakalagay ko lang sa locker nya ng baked cupcakes nang mapansin kong paparating sya kaya agad akong nagtago sa gilid. Ni hindi ko na nasara ang locker niya sa kaba.
Saktong dating naman ni Via, kaklase at pinsan ko. Magkatabi sila ng locker ni Clarken. Kita ko nun na isinasara ni Via ang locker ni Clarken na noo'y nakatingin kay Via.

Everything got misinterpreted. Inakala ni Clarken na si Via ang admirer niya kuno and everyone knew Via really likes Clarken. Maganda si Via kaya di imposibling magustuhan din sya ni Clarken.
Alam din ni Via na ako ang naglalagay nung mga yon sa locker ni Clark but she didn't say no to every question she got. Sinabi nya pang sya ang nagbake nung mga cupcakes.

Wala akong ginawa kundi manahimik at tanggapin nalang lahat.
Naging tulay pa nga nila akong dalawa. Unti-unti naging okay na sakin and I tried to move on kaso naging sobrang close na rin kami ni Clarken. At naging sila din ni Via.

Until we graduated highschool sila pa rin. But Via took tourism. Me and Clark took HRM and there we became more close to each other.

"Baka may boyfriend ka na, Fara, ha?" Umakbay pa sakin si Clark habang naglalakad kami palabas ng Campus.

Sumimangot ako saka itinulak siya palayo. "Tigilan mo nga ako! You see, akala ng lahat jowa kita? How is it even possible for me to have a boyfriend?"
Tumawa lang siya sabay hinaplos yong ulo ko.

Saka kung makabakod sya sakin sa tingin niya may maglalakas loob pa kayang manligaw? Hays, I guess I will get old loving him secretly forever.

Lumipas pa ang mga araw at buwan.

I met a guy, si Tamzen. A boyfriend material kind of a guy. Kinakapatid ni Clark. After several days and months nanligaw sya sakin kasi pinayagan sya ni Clark.

Naging magkaibigan kami at nakilala ko rin yong pagkatao niya. Tam is a very nice guy, smart, cool and handsome. But maybe, it's just my heart that always chooses Clark even at the blurriest chances.

Mabuti na lang naintindihan ako ni Tam and just said he'll still gonna wait. Kaya tinanggap nya ang friendship na offer ko. I can't be with him knowing I'm in love with Clark.

Almost graduation na namin sa college when I decided to confess. This is the only and least chance I have. It's confess now or regret after.

Inaya ko sya sa paborito naming tambayan. Sa isang ice cream parlor. Nauna ako ng ilang minuto kaya naupo na ako sa usual seat namin sa may gilid mismo ng glass wall na tanaw na tanaw ang kalsada.
Pag tunog ng chime agad akong napalingon. My heart throbs hard. Bat ang gwapo nya lalo ngayon? Wearing black shirt and jogging pants with a round glasses.

"Sorry medyo late!" Tumawa sya na halos ikatunaw ng puso ko. How I love his laughter, how I love him so bad. Umupo siya saka ginulo ang buhok ko. "Sooooo... Gagraduate na tayo? Finally!"

Malawak ang ngiti ko at saka nagkwentuhan kami.

Afterwards, busy siya sa cellphone niya habang pangiti-ngiti pa.

I took a deep breath. "I...I have some-"

"Fara, I have something....." Nahinto sya kasi halos magkasabay kaming nagsalita. "....to say...sige ikaw muna..."

"Ah, no ikaw na..."

Nagtalo pa kami kung sino mauuna pero kalauna'y siya na.

Bigla siyang naglabas ng maliit na box and I'm guessing it was a ring box. My heart immediately beats so fast. I felt excited and shamefully happy. Is he....

Binuksan nya ang box and a very dazzling ring showed up, "Is it pretty?" Nakangiti siya habang sumasabay ang kinang ng kaniyang mga mata sa pagkinang ng sing-sing. "I'm going to propose to Via during her graduation."

Parang sa isang iglap gumuho ang mundo ko. Oo nga naman. Si Via ang girlfriend niya. Malamang para sa kanya yong sing-sing. Bakit ako nakaramdam ng ganun kanina? Bakit akala ko para sakin yon? Natawa ako sa sarili ko. Assuming.

I did what I usually do. Pretend again.

"That's sooo.... great!" Tumawa ako ng tumawa. This is the only way to force myself not to cry. Ang hirap magpigil ng iyak.

Tumawa rin siya. "Eh...what about you? Yong sasabihin mo pala, what is it?"

Napatigil ako. I wiped the tears that build up in the corner of my eyes. "Aahh...I'm....I'm starting to like someone...." Pagsisinungaling ko.

"Hmm... Should I get jealous?" aniya na ikinabigla ko.

"Why would you?"

Bumuntong hininga siya at tumitig sakin. "To whom?"

"Si Tam...kami na ni Tam..." I have to do this. Kailangan ko na talagang mag-move on, kailangan ko na siyang layuan na dapat dati ko pang ginawa.

Ngumuso siya habang nakakunot-noong nakatitig sakin. "Mas pogi naman ako dun..." Halos pabulong lang yon pero narinig ko pa rin. "I'm so happy for you." Ngumiti siya na ikinangiti ko na rin.

But my heart is slowly breaking again and again. Maybe he's not really for me or my cowardness is just overflowing.

Paulit-ulit kong pinili si Clarken hanggang sa huli.
He was my greatest convenience.

Sumapit yong araw na magiging pinaka-memorable saming tatlo. To them both, it's a happy moment. While for me, it's the most painful day. Their wedding.

Di ko alam kung pano ko nagawang um-attend and fake a smile. But I'm glad I made excuse to leave sooner. Hindi ko tinapos ang celebration. Kasi yong puso ko nagbubunyi sa sobrang sakit.

I went to a bar and get drunk alone. Hanggang sa pasuray-suray akong lumabas. I can't help but sit beside the entrance door. Umubob ako at nagsimulang malunod sa mga alaalang kasama ko si Clark. I never been this wasted, I never got myself into things like this, being such a mess. I'm so sorry for myself now.

Bakit 'di ko kasi inamin sa kaniya sa simula pa lang? I should've confess. I should have told him I'm the one who sent him those gifts, those letters, those cupcakes. I should have been brave before.

I felt water droplets in my head and then I just close my eyes and look up. Feeling the rain. Pero biglang tumila ata ang ulan kaya napamulat ako and saw a transparent umbrella.

"...Ken-Ken..." I called out. Dinamba ko siya ng yakap. I miss him so bad.  "I'm glad you're here..." I started to sob hanggang tuluyan akong napahagulhol. "I love you...I love you so much that it hurts my heart watching you with her...Watch you stares at her, watching you kiss her...watching you smiled like you got your greatest dream turned real...it hurts seeing you being taken away from me for lifetime... Ken...Bakit hindi ako? Bakit di mo man lang ako nakita bilang isang babae? Bakit hanggang bestfriend lang ang label natin? Bakit di mo man lang naramdaman yong pagmamahal ko sayo? Bakit... ang sakit-sakit mong mahalin?..." At least I told him everything. Marahil huli na pero kahit papano nasabi ko na lahat. Na kahit yong ultimong napakalabong pag-asa ay naglaho na, at least I told him everything I wanted to say.

"Fara...."

"I'm...I'm finally letting you go... I love you for the last time, Ken-Ken, can you...can you please say I love you too?... Not as bestfriends...I beg you...just this moment please...." Tumitig ako sa mukha niya. I'll definitely gonna miss him, his face, his voice, his smiles and laughters and those eyes. Hinaplos ko ng bahagya ang kaniyang pisngi. "Please...say 'I love you'..."

"I love you too, Fara..." A tear drop in his cheecks. Niyakap niya ako. My tears started to fall so hard. Napahagulhol ako sa huling yakap ko sa kaniya ngayon and I'm feeling dizzy and all. I can't understand what he is talking about. Only vague whispers. "I wish I am Clarken... I wish I'm the one you love...I wish I'm not Tamzem, your 'just a friend'..."

©Cloudee