Ek Pyar Ka Naghma Hai

Chapter 2

Kartik is gay. Although it took him some time to come to terms with it, a part of him had always known that he wasn't attracted to women...the being attracted to men part is what took time to come to terms with. This is one of the problems, amongst many, with living in a heteronormative world. Being attracted to the same sex is such a foreign concept that it's almost impossible to accept, even when you feel it yourself. Making others understand and accept who don't know what it's like to be different, seems like a mythical possibility only. Kartik had known he was gay as fuck since long but the hard part was accepting because acceptance makes denial difficult, it makes things real. And accepting that he's different in other ways while already existing in the margins, includes a path full of self-hate and terror.

Kartik lived in a locality of Dalits, one of the only two in Allahabad. In around fifty thousand kaccha one room "houses", cramped up in an area of one square kilometer, one of the houses was Kartik's. Living with his abusive father in the same room would have been hectic, to say the least, but his father was also neglectful which worked in Kartik's favor. Kartik could roam around with his friends all night, doing whatever, and his father wouldn't blink, mostly because he was sleeping and other than that because he just did not care until and unless it had to do with his reputation in the locality. So, Kartik could do all the awaragiri he wanted to in his part of town.

Aman, on the other hand, became a family man at a very young age, not because he got married or had kids but because his parents were his unplanned kids since he was born. He had sorted his parents' fights, his aunt's and uncle's fights, Goggal's and Keshav's fights, Goggal's fights with everyone, Keshav's and his father's fights and so forth. In conclusion, Aman was a parentified kid. His parents weren't neglectful per se but when it came to his emotional needs Aman had to fend for himself. Aman had his share of trust issues, though he couldn't find a concrete reason for them, so, the only friend he had was Goggal. Aman had decided at 13 that Keshav shouldn't be trusted when he blurted each and everything about their secret 'Debonair' adventures after a single slap from Chaman Chacha, as if he was on one of his narrations of just how beautiful Babita is. Babita was Keshav's childhood crush and he would get married to her right now if it was legal. Babita did not give any bhav to Keshav.

Aman did not understand how Keshav had such long crushes. Aman's crushes did not sustain beyond a week or so. Maybe Aman had just not found the right woman (lmfao). As he was telling Goggal all this on the roof of the house, on their respective khaats with blankets wrapped around them, Goggal smiled at him knowingly.

"I toh don't get attracted to anyone, be it a man or a woman." Goggal bites her lips as she realizes Aman wasn't ready for the last part.

"Behen, tu ladki hai, ladkiyon se kahan se attract hogi?" says Aman mockingly.

"Yaar kyun nahi ho sakti main ladkiyon se attracted?"

"Yaar matlab Goggal kuchh bhi. Tu ladki hai aur matlab ladki ladki thodi saath mein."

"Nahi Aman ab tu bata kyun nahi ho sakti main ladki se attracted. And give me a logical answer."

Aman keeps mum for a while, thinking if there's any logical explanation behind the homophobia that he has been developing and brandishing all his life. He opens his mouth a few times but closes it as if realizing a point that makes his first thought seem more and more non-sensical.

"Bataa", say Goggal, breaking the silence.

"Yaar theek hai tujhe jisse pyar karna hai kar, kisi se bhi nahi karna toh mat kar, meri jaan na khaa."

"Teri jaan nahi khaa rahi hun, tujhe bas samjha rahi hun ki tu bhi ladkon se pyar kar sakta hai."

"Chhee yaar Goggal", he says, followed by a few puking sounds.

"Aman tujhe na sharam aani chahiye. Tu na hi sirf ek puri community ki taraf disrespectful ho raha hai balki apni taraf bhi hua hai, par main bhi kya bina saanp ke been baja rahi hun. Aayega tujhe samajh, abhi nahi toh kuchh saalon mein par yeh soch liyo ki tab tak bohot der na ho jaye. Itna mat nafrat karlena kuchh logon se ki apne aap se hi nafrat ho jaye." Goggal turns, removes her shades and goes to sleep.

It's almost three in the morning, Aman sits up after his many attempts to go to sleep because Goggal's words keep ringing in his ears. The entirety of Allahabad is silent in that moment. Aman looks up and sees that the sky is pitch black as if projecting the darkness that Aman carries in his heart and mind about himself, but there are a few stars, there always are. He stretches his hands in front of him. A thought crosses his mind. "Do these hands want to caress a man?" But he shuts it out immediately and forces his eyes shut. A part of him thinking, "If I can't see the real world, the world can't see the real me. Oh shut up Aman. This is the real you. You don't have any secrets so just shut the FUCK UP."

The next morning all three of them wake up grumpily when they feel water seep in from their razais.

"Yaar chachi phirse nahi."

"Arrey ab uthoge bhi. School nahi jana kya? Baarish bhi shuru ho gayi hai. Goggal chat se kapde bhi uthati lana."

"Behenchod sab main hi karun iss ghar mein kya. Subah subah shuru ho jata hai inka tamasha."

"Goggal chill maar thoda."

"Aman tu toh mujhse baat hi mat kariyo. Keshav chal kapde utha."

It's 8:30 AM. The three of them were ready for school in their co-ordinated uniforms. Goggal was still upset with Aman. Keshav was playing the mediator.

"Keshav isse kehde mujhe faltu mein tang na kare warna khaa jayega."

"Bhaiya, didi keh rahi hain unhe..."

"Haan haan sunn liya. Isse bhi kehde ki ab yeh kare na mujhse baat phir."

"Didi, bhaiya keh rahe hain ki..." Keshav shuts his mouth as soon as he notices Goggal's glare.

On their way to school, they're not seated in their usual way. Aman is sitting on his usual seat beside the window with Keshav instead of Goggal next to him. Aman stares into nothingness. He seemed more distanced from his environment that he usually does. Goggal noticed this from the seat behind him. She felt bad for her brother. She knew she was his only friend but she just couldn't forgive Aman's reaction. And Aman, well as soon as he got a moment's silence, his head started ringing with Goggal's words like a stuck cassette tape.

The bus came to a sudden halt almost a few hundred metres from their school. As Aman looked up, a boy from the last seat shouted to the driver, "Bhaiya chamaron ke bacche hain, chadha bhi doge toh kuchh nahi hoga" and the whole bus erupted into laughter. Goggal hit Keshav on the head, hard. Then she followed Aman's fascinated gaze to a guy with wet, striking blue hair. Aman looked at him, eyes twinkling. Every hormone in Aman body flowing at the speed of light. If he had been at an arm's length he would have touched the boy just to make sure that he is real. The blue haired boy laughed and every artery in Aman's body started pumping blood into his heart while his heart, simultaneously, skipped multiple beats. Aman was frozen in his seat. His eyes following every movement of the boy's hands as he narrated something to one of his friends or somebody for sure, Aman didn't know, he couldn't take his eyes off of him. As the blue boy's kohl laden eyes shut in excitement, Aman's hand reached his heart so as to stop it from jumping out of his chest. "Good gosh he has applied kohl under his eyes????? Who gave him the fucking permission?????? And then he has the audacity to get drenched in the rain and smudge it which just, somehow, makes them look twice as stunning?????????" As the bus starts again, our introverted boy Aman Tripathi stood up, pushed his head out of the window and followed the blue boys with his eyes until the blue of his hair had merged with the buildings in the background. The school bus stopped with a jerk and Aman was thrown against the seat in front of him.

"Keshav, apne bhai ko bata de ki woh ullu hai."

"Bhaiya, didi keh rahi hain ki aap ullu ho." And that is the first time Keshav had gotten to complete his sentence.

"Ada-e-husn ki masumiyat ko kam karde

Gunahgar-e-nazar ko hijab aata hai"

(Lessen your innocent manner of beauty, my guilt ridden eyes want to veil themselves)