I used to break countless necklaces when I was younger. I would pull at them when I was nervous or distracted, and the chain would just snap after a little while. Sometime between second and fourth grade, I decided to cut my losses and stop wearing them altogether. This year though, I thought that it might be nice to wear them every now and again. Wearing them made me feel pretty and helped me 'overcome some self-confidence issues that I was displaying' as my mom would lecture to me. But now I remember the reason why I stopped wearing them in the first place.
I woke one morning a little behind schedule, so I didn't really have time to put effort into the way I looked, but I did have time to put on the new necklace I got for my birthday. It was a simple gold chain with a white stone, but it was pretty enough for me. I rushed around the rest of the morning and almost left without my backpack, luckily my six-year-old sister ran out after me as I was starting my car. She opened the door and placed it on my seat, letting me know that she didn't think I could manage without it.
My mom then called me before my first period and told me that she wouldn't be home until really late again that night, so we would have to fend for ourselves when it came to dinner and that I needed to take care of the two little ones. So of course I got a little anxious about it.
By class time I was already so tired and it was only second period. But I continued on with my day, holding a tight ball in my stomach that continued to sink every ridiculous thing I would hear uttered.
I waltzed into my third period feeling annoyed already. Someone made a comment about me as I walked through the doors, but instead of just rolling my eyes and sitting down as I normally would, I whipped my head around to look at the culprit. It was an athletic-looking boy who I knew was a grade above me. He wore a loathsome smirk that made me think about busting his nose.
"Do you know what the word bigot means?" I questioned in an icy tone. He seemed surprised by being on the receiving end of my words, but before he could answer I continued, "It means that you are hateful towards people who are different from you. You do know that because you are a glorified asshole in this school you are more likely to turn out very unsuccessful in the future. This makes me wonder why you think it's acceptable to treat people like dogshit. Now maybe before you say another word to someone 'lesser' than you, you might think, ''Who will be scrubbing who's floor in the future."
He showed off his immaculate articulation skills by opening and closing his mouth like a fish. It made me feel slightly justified watching him look dumbfounded that I defended myself, but the sinking feeling in my stomach was still there. I clenched my jaw, took my seat, and put my earbuds in to help me to ignore the astonishing idiocy which was displayed all around me constantly.
People have always been rude and obnoxious, but I couldn't tell if it was unnaturally awful that day or I was more sensitive to it. I got shoved into the lockers at least four different times by four different self-righteous people. Couldn't they see that I was already hurting? That no matter how many times my shoulders slammed against the cold metal, the sting wasn't going to distract me from the clenching fist around my heart. Or maybe they could see and just didn't care.
Finally, when lunch rolled around, I took myself to my usual table that was occupied by a couple of my friends. This was normally my safe place in the craziness of school, and it started out that way again. My friend, who I was also in love with, came strolling toward his seat. I smiled politely and watched him sit down across from me, next to another friend of ours, a girl who also has a major crush on him. They talked back and forth for a while, and I interjected when I thought it was necessary. He made jokes, and she laughed overenthusiastically. My heart would clench every time I heard that aggravating sound, but I smiled anyway and continued on with my meal.
Every now and then I would see a brief brush of her hand on his shoulder or a little glint in her eyes as she looked at me with an accomplished smirk. And every time something like that would happen it became a little harder to breathe. She sat forward slightly, squinting at my chest.
"Your necklace is very pretty."
"Thank you." I grimaced back, my hand flying to where it sat on my neck.
"You do know that there are red marks all around it though, right?" I pulled out my phone and opened the camera app where I saw she was right. I must have been pulling at it subconsciously and it was causing welts to form around the chain. I shrugged and she continued the conversation without a second thought. He started to focus on my neck though and continued to look at the marks intensely, but she noticed and was starting to get frustrated at his attention being stolen.
We continued conversing and suddenly she whispered something in his ear, got up, grabbed his hand, and pulled him away. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, but it was real, and, for me, it was just a little too real, and it was all too much. I got up and covered my mouth, trying to hide the sharp breaths I was taking. I said a quick 'excuse me' and rushed off in the opposite direction.
I got into the bathroom and couldn't contain it any longer, so a sob rattled out of my mouth. My entire body was shaking, and I was crying so hard I was afraid the bathroom might flood with my tears. I sat on the toilet and put my head on my lap and let the sobs shake my whole frame as I tried to calm the aching in my head that was beginning to form. I heard a few people enter and leave in the time I was crying, which embarrassed me quite a lot.
The crying abruptly ceased, the shaking continued, but the crying had stopped finally.I thought the worst part was over, but what replaced the sobs may have been worse. The oxygen in the room had suddenly escaped, replaced by unbreathable air. No matter how many deep breaths I inhaled, it still felt like I was breathing in water, but I wasn't, I was drowning in my emotions. I clawed at my throat, trying desperately to breathe because I knew that as soon as I could breathe the hurt in my lungs would be gone. I leaned against the wall, clutching my necklace trying to rip off the thing that was choking me. The chain suddenly snapped and I threw the godforsaken object to the ground.
I regained the ability to breathe soon after as I leaned my head back against the wall and focused on taking slow deep breaths. I was completely exhausted from the whole day, and it wasn't even over. My whole body was completely numb to the world around it, sometimes I wonder if I ever really feel anything, but only one thought crossed my mind.
I am never wearing a necklace again.
