When Siân got pregnant she didn't really know what to say.
Milo and Duan had left the boy's toilet and she gave the pregnancy stick one last shake, simply expecting a negative result, ready to drop it in the urinal for some unsuspecting year 9s to but when she saw what it said her heart stopped. 2 lines. It had to be wrong right? She shook it again. The piss ran down the control area, making the ink bleed slightly but it still said what it said. 2 lines equals pregnant. Maybe it was a bookie stick - it was from Poundland after all. Why did she even bother buying it from there? Of course it was going to make her shit herself like this.
But no (after still dropping the stick into the urinal for some unexpecting year 9s) she went home and took another 8 tests and every one had the same dreaded result; knocked up, knocked up, knocked up, preggers, up the duff. She was up the duff by a puff, she realised as she flicked through his Instagram, lingering on one with Simon in a super camp bear filter.
She had no clue what to fucking do - how would everyone react, her mum, her friends... Simon himself.
She snapped him later that night and as expected he gave a very simple answer
'Abort it.'
And it was a valid point. Why should she have the child of a man she hated, a man who had proved himself as a selfish, useless piece of shit? But at the same time, there was a nagging feeling in the back of her mind. She saw the child in her mind - sure perhaps a little on the butters side but her child all the same. She was sure it would be adorable when it came out even if it did grow up to be an ugly twat like it's dad.
So right then she made a subconscious decision whether she liked it or not- a decision that would lead to a series of events resulting in the end of the universe.
Just kidding. But some weird shit would happen.
I mean she had to keep the kid, as soon as her and Simon had had sex for the first time she'd named it - Andrew McAndrew. A bit tongue in cheek you know. She'd had an emotional connection to a kid that didn't even exist, how was she going to resist a connection to the actual baby?
So secretly in her stomach a fetus grew, half human, half ogre. She often wondered how it was going to turn out - maybe it would have its dads gorgeous green eyes ... or his massive shlong. She didn't want her son to be insecure about his dick size. She guessed she had to wait and see.
She still thought back to her impregnation story a lot though. It was a little different than other people's. She was at Simon's, getting drilled (as usual) staring into his bed frame, pretending it was Milo (as usual.) Everything seemed like it was going to be perfectly normal.
'Do you - wanna - make - a - porno,' Simon heaved as his belly fat wobbled against her back. He'd become a real fat cunt recently, fat juggling all over the place. And ever since his smoking had gotten worse he'd started making these weird noises during sex, like a tranquillised donkey. He was making those noises right now, sounding like a paralysed old man taking his last breath.
'Huhuhhhuuhhuhh,' Simon wheezed as he reached climax, 'HUUHUUHHHUHUUHHHUHHUHH.'
Just then, he went still and his entire body slumped forward, crashing to the ground. He started twitching on the floor.
'Milo!' Siân screamed, '...Oops, um...'
She stared down awkwardly. Simon lay shaking violently on the floor, fat still jiggling. After a while, his chest slowly stopped rising and falling.
'Yeah... I guess I should call the ambulance...' Siân sighed, pulling on her clothes before eventually calling 999.
She sat at home eating a Chinese when she saw on snap that Simon has survived. Just. He'd had to have his blood taken which came back as 70% tobacco and 20% marijuana. He'd also posted loads selfies of him in the hospital to evoke sympathy from unsuspecting 14 year olds as she tapped through one of him next to one of those water dispensers and then another one of him next to a dead guy. It looked a bit like Ludos dad.
Actually maybe not.
At closer inspection, it looked a little bit more like Mrs Graham's husband.
A little disappointed about Simon's survival, Siân lay alone on her bed, munching on some chicken cho mein egg fried rice completely unaware that the jolt almost causing him to lose life his life somehow hadn't retracted his penis fast enough for a successful pullout (I'll admit men have some skills ok.) A few Simons crept through.
So a journey quickly began and Simon's seed began to spread, a gazzilion special needs children running screaming from the predator who birthed them. Future nonces amongst the severely autistic and the disabled. The big shlongs and the little shlongs fighting it out. Nonce, nonce, nonce, nonce, mentally disabled, nonce. The circle of life is truly beautiful.
And that is how Andrew McAndrew was brewed . And where our story truly begins.
