About an hour ago, mom brought me and my brother back down to her boyfriend's house after a week of being at dad's. They're split up, but they haven't gotten a divorce yet because of the quarantine. I don't like being down here. It isn't because of her boyfriend, he's actually really nice. It just doesn't feel like home at all. I've been going back and forth between my parents for a while, and I only ever really like it at home with dad. I recently had surgery to put tubes in my ears, so they're still somewhat sound sensitive. Down here, there's two six year olds and a grown man who never learned to use his inside voice. Every time the kids start playing, or one of them gets in trouble, people start yelling and I don't think i can handle it. Nobody cares about whether it hurts even though they all know I just had surgery. Being down at dad's is so much quieter, even with my little brother there. Whenever I'm down there, I can sometimes see my girlfriend. I wasn't able to see her again today before leaving, and I won't be able to when I come back. She's going down to see her grandpa in another state, and she'll be there for a while. The thought of her is one of the only things that get me through the days without seeing her, and even when I am at dad's, it still doesn't feel right. It just feels like something is missing because mom isn't there. I spend almost every night now crying over thw phone with her. I've thought about killing myself, and I started cutting for a few days. She talked me out of it, even though I knew I wouldn't be able to go through with it. I want to stay at dad's, and I want to be able to see her. I've been thinking about what to do about my own feelings, and right now she won't be able to help me. She's got a lot of things going on with her as well, and she's preoccupied with that. Normally I would try to distract myself by trying to help her, but I can't do that this time and I don't know why. I can't think straight. I can barely collect my thoughts enough to write this. I don't know what to do. I'm too scared to tell my mom about this because everytime I try, she ignores it and says it's what dad made me think. My girlfriend is telling me about what's going on right now, and I don't know how to help her. I don't know how to help myself. My mind is just blank. I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm putting this on here because i want to reach out about this. I can't bring myself to tell anyone close to me except my girlfriend, amd she's got her own stuff going on, so I'll tell you guys. If nobody reads this, it's just a place to collect my thoughts. If anyone does, I need some advice on what to do. Should I tell someone? Should I get one of the guns in this house and end it? Should I run away? Those are the only things i can think of. I don't want to burden my girlfriend with this considering the things she's told me about what's going on with her. I've been trying to think of something to say that would help her, but I just can't.
I don't know what to do. I know for a fact that how I feel is only gonna get worse as it gets later. It always does.
Help me. Tell me what to do about this.
YOU ARE READING
Just my thoughts.
Non-FictionThis isn't a story. I wanted a place to write some things down, and maybe get a few extra opinions on some things going on.
