A Letter To Someone I Lost

My Letter

Remember? Remember when we slipped out of our houses and walked to the park in the middle of the night? I brought a thermos of hot tea. I almost didn't see you there on the quilt in the dark. I almost tripped over you laying there on your back. When you whispered my name I practically jumped out of my skin. My nerves were insane my head spinning.

And so I sat down next to you there. The ground seemed colder than the air. Gosh, I had missed you. My heart almost leaped out my chest. I threw my arms around you. As you laughed in my ear. Gosh, I missed your laugh. There were kisses. Remember? So many kisses. And remember how we only planned to stay out for half the night? But how when the moon started to drop and the cold shook me so you pulled me closer. I told you I loved you, and you must never forget over, and over.
The light started to show behind the low clouds. I had to rip myself away. But I smiled the whole walk home.

Sunday I saw you in the store. I ran up to you to say hello. You dropped your eyes. I asked how you were but you avoided the question. I went to hug you. Just a simple embrace. But you didn't respond. I know why. As I hugged you I saw your father look over your shoulder. I know we have time. I know we are young. I just knew we would figure this out.
I called you that night. We laughed and laughed so hard my ribs hurt. I could listen to your voice all night. We talked about the future of our goals.
"Iris I need to marry you."
"Oliver I need to be your wife."
"If only we could skip a few years."
"Or just one."
"I wish I could marry you right now."
"But why can't you?"
"We both know the answer to that."
"Is it because of your dad?"
"My dad, mom, sisters, Andy, Cameron, Ron... They just don't understand why I feel this way. They all want me to go back to school."
"Why can't you go to school and marry me?"
"I don't really want to go back. They all won't take that into consideration that being a nurse just isn't my goal. They think I only dropped it because of you."
"I see."
"I paid it off, and I'm starting something new but they just won't accept it. I'm not good enough for them." I told you that you were good enough for me. But now that I think about it more I think just me wasn't good enough.

Remember that party at Ty's house? I hid in the room where we put all our coats Because I couldn't handle all the noise. I thought it was a good hiding spot but you found me. I was sitting on the floor trying to breathe. You stayed next to me
Calmed me down. Put your arms around me. Thinking about it now it's kind of funny. We laid on the floor shoulders touching staring at the ceiling. Talking about everything and nothing at once. When I calmed down we walked separate ways once we were downstairs. Like it never happened.

On your twenty-first birthday, we went to see a movie with a really thin plot and loud music. We kissed through the whole movie. All two hours and twelve minutes of it. No one was in the theater at that time. So we stayed a little longer after the movie watching the credits and then a blank screen. We sat in your truck until the theater parking lot was empty. You drove me back to my apartment. I fell asleep I don't remember you picking me up and carrying me to the door. I accidentally left my door unlocked so you plopped me on my bed kissed my forehead and pulled my quilts over me.

In the winter you got the flu. I brought you soup and sat with you on the couch. You fell asleep on me. I love how peaceful you looked in your sleep.
But when Andy walked downstairs you got up and went into your room. Andy told me how you tried to convince him you rather be an E.M.T. He didn't believe you. He asked me to encourage you to go back to school. He asked me if you proposed. I told him the truth. He was relieved. Andy doesn't hate me. I don't think. He just really cares about you. I can respect that.

I asked you to come with me to Val's wedding. I bought you a blue tie. You told me you couldn't.
"My mom has been planning this get-together with family and some close friends for a while and it's this weekend," you said.
Close friends? I couldn't believe I wasn't a close friend. Family? I couldn't help myself.
"Are Andy and Ty going to be there?" I asked.
"Come on you know I would have invited you, but it's my mom's thing," you said so quickly pulling up your defenses.
"It's not even that. it's that you didn't ask your mother I bet you didn't even ask it didn't cross your mind to ask if you could come. We have yet to go to a party as a couple why do you have to keep me from everyone? One day we will need to face them."