Headphones

They think I cannot talk, that I lost my voice before I was born, that it was never there.

My voice is here, it is all that I own, though I haven't heard it for years outside of my mind. Sometimes my voice takes on different forms. Sometimes it growls and snarls and bites at the back of my head and throat and threatens to tear down walls and people. Sometimes it becomes small and vulnerable, trying to escape from every hole in my head, telling me to run, run and never look back. Sometimes it tells me to calm down, to take a moment to myself and to just breathe.

Sometimes I listen. Sometimes I run, break things or try to forget what's happening. Sometimes i get caught, get hit even harder, get screamed at, get locked in a room.

But I don't let the voice escape my head.

I'll never let the voice escape my head.

Everything and everywhere else is just too loud, the noise fills my head like smoke from a fire, so the voice in my head has to fight to make itself heard.

I don't want to contribute to the noise outside my head.

It all builds up, first the sounds of the wind, then the roars of the motorbikes and cars and then the barks and snarls of vicious dogs as they pass people on the street. There are whimpers and gunshots and loud voices and wailing babies and that start but don't stop.

My mother stands in the doorway, visibly exhausted from making so much noise, and launches an electronic item in my direction. It hits the wall beside me with a thud but I continue to stare at her spiritless figure. Her face is sagging from the drag of time, stress and leftover fear. She doesn't try to talk to me anymore-she's given up- and i'm grateful for the lack of noise. Mother spaces out as she leans on the doorframe for a few minutes before sighing and finally trudging away, her footsteps making heavy beats against the wooden planks in the floor.

Once she leaves, I scramble to pick up the object. Its glassy surface is cracked and its plastic casing is almost about to fall apart, but it's still able to create light. There are two rubber strings attached to the object, this must be an mp3 player. I've read about these, they play music. I've never heard music before, but i've read that it's calming, so i put the rubber-capped piece of plastic into my ear like i've seen mother do so many times before.

I can taste it in my ear; the calm voice of a woman reassuring herself that everything will be alright eventually and that all that's left to do is wait. It's like a moonbeam on a lake , telling the entire universe to stop and listen. This woman is creating an atmosphere with her voice,soft thuds and twangs alone , demanding peace and tranquility in the moment. I close my eyes and i can see it unfolding at the back of my eyelids.

Then it stops.

And i am alone with the rest of the world once again.

I have returned to the messy noise and it's almost as unbearable as when i first realised the chaos of the sound around me.

The next song starts playing.