The Moon Knows It All !!!

Chapter 22

It was late at night and father was sleeping in his secret room. I woke up Kyungsoo and asked him to get ready. I had packed all the money I had saved, the money I stole from my father and some clothes. I took mom's photo and the kitchen knife. I kept all the stuff on my bed and adjusted the knife behind my back in my jeans. I told Kyungsoo to be ready.

"I will be back in a few minutes. Do not make any sound and get in the bed. Pretend to sleep. If anything happens and Dad comes in, behave as if you were sleeping and did not wake up ok."

He nodded and got inside the bed. I kept my bag inside the covers to make it look like I was still sleeping and left my room. I walked down the stairs softly and opened the door to the backyard. I could smell the roses, my mother used to love them. I walked stealthily toward his secret room and opened the door to enter. I saw him sleeping on the chair and I walked up to him. I switched off the light of the room to keep it dark.

I inched closer to him, knife in my hand. My hands were shaking and lips trembled. It was too scary. Gulping down the air stuck in my throat I inched to him, I kept the sharp end of the knife near his throat. Simply just slide it and it's done. Do it... Do it.

I was running for an hour now. I hung the bag on my back and held Kyungsoo's hand tightly. We slowed down a little bit to catch our breath but did not stop running. I could not kill my father. It was not in me. He had flinched and the knife left my hand. He was too intoxicated with alcohol to wake up with the thud but I ran. I took the opportunity and ran with my brother. I would never return to this place ever again.

5 years later...

Kyungsoo was grown up now. He had just completed his school and I wanted him to enroll in college. I always wanted to see my brother become a lawyer. He wanted the same, save the innocent, and bring justice. But he denied going to college.

I was working day and night to arrange for the money for his admissions. I cut back on our spending, we often had fights regarding the money but Kyungsoo understood the crunch. I tried my best to get him everything that he wanted but sometimes it would be too difficult. I had not completed my studies and I could only get certain jobs without proper education. I worked as a waitress in a café in the morning and danced at night in the pubs and night clubs. Kyungsoo hated it, but I needed money. We lived together in a small apartment. It barely had enough space for one person to live and here we were two grown-up siblings living together.

That night I lost Kyungsoo and it felt like I lost my happiness. He was everything to me. After mom, my only goal was to bring all the happiness in the world to my brother. I wanted to change his life and get him the childhood that he deserved. When I failed to bring his childhood, I thought I will earn a lot of money so he can study and become a good lawyer. He would have a comfortable life. But he ran away. He left me and ran away from me.

I was heartbroken and invested my 100% into finding him. Time went by and I could not find anything about him. I would often visit the police station and the hospitals to find him out but he was never there. It was always a confusing moment for me, I never knew I will be happy to see him there or not.

I kept working as a bar-dancer and it pulled me into the worst of the worst crowd. That is how I met my husband, Jackson. He was a drug dealer and worked for some hot-shot Drug Lord. For some time he was nice to me. We met, I danced and he would take me home. I don't know if it was the love, I guess I mistook his needs for love. I was craving a home, a family, someone to rely on. I never found it. I got in contact with one of his men and tried snooping around to find something about Kyungsoo.

He introduced me to a personal investigator and he promised to help me. I did not have any money to pay him, he expected me to pay in kind. I kept quiet for some time but then that investigator started forcing himself on me. I felt dirty and disgusted by myself but Kyungsoo was more important to me than myself. Jackson saw me talking to him in an alley and got mad.

That was the first night he slapped me. I was bewildered at his reaction. I tried explaining to him. I told him about Kyungsoo but he only made me feel more disgusted and filthy about myself. Time passed and Jackson changed into something I never wanted to have in my life. He would leave me alone for weeks maybe months and come back suddenly. When I got pregnant with his child I forced him to marry me. He did, but that was not for my benefit. I fell down deeper into his mind games.

He would beat me up, and yell at me to stop looking for Kyungsoo. I never heard him. He would often call me a slut, a bitch, and whore who killed her mother, and then killed her brother. I did not kill them. It was not my fault that mom left us and then... then Kyungsoo left me too. I never wanted them to leave me. Did I.... really?

The beatings and abuses reminded me of my father and when I lost my child I lost myself too. My world stopped spinning. I moved out and left Jackson. I hid for many months and never came out of the hiding. Then I got the news that Jackson was killed. By the time I had developed the habit of drinking and smoking. I would often cut myself to release the pressure. It started with small superficial cuts. But then it got bigger and bloodier.

I would stare at the blood for long hours. Wrap my wrist again and cut another area on my body. I know it was all my fault. Mom left, dad's behavior, Kyungsoo left. Everything was my fucking fault. I lacked compassion. I could not keep my family together. I did not deserve happiness. The anxiety would rise and I would cut myself. If I was not cutting, I was drinking and drowning myself in sorrow.

After Jackson's death, I came out of hiding. I started looking for Kyungsoo again, I don't know if I don't find Kyungsoo, what will I do?

I went back home and found that my dad never came home. The building was abandoned but untouched. It looked like it was being procured but nobody lived. I had broken the locks and changed them to live in my paternal home. If my dad is never coming back which I really want, I thought I would live here with Kyungsoo.

But that never happened. The night finally pushed me to end it all and I slit my wrist deeper that day.