Tiktok Oneshots (bxb)

Thomas Petrou x Ondreaz Lopez

FUCKING EMOTIONS

Ship: Thomas Petrou x Ondreaz Lopez
Au: none
Warnings: swearing, my fucking rants about my emotions in a suitable way for me to get them across without going insane.

(This is a fairly useless oneshot and is mostly a way for me to express how I'm feeling to evie and Liz. You don't have to read it if you don't want to, it's mostly personal. Thank you, evie and Liz, for sticking with me and keeping me calm. I love you both hehe.)
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-Ondreaz-

Fucking emotions. Some of the hardest things for me to deal with in life. One moment, everything is completely perfect with my life and my relationship, the next, I'm questioning everything I've ever loved and known. It's so hard to keep pretending like everything I'm doing is okay. It's so hard to keep acting like I'm completely okay.

"Hey baby, how are you doing today?" Thomas asks the same question every day, and my initial response is always the same. 

"I'm fine baby. I love you bunches."

Lies.

"Okay babes, I'm going to help Alex film, I love you." He says while coming over to me and giving me a soft kiss on the lips.

"I love you too."

And then one moment you're feeling like shit, wondering if you should go into your room and cry your eyes out, and then you're practically ready to burst from anger.

"SHUT THE HELL UP THOMAS, FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME I SAID IM FINE!" His eyes narrowed as he stared at me with an unbelieving gaze. "I don't believe that." I groaned loudly, "well why not, I look fucking fine, don't I?!" He looked up at me with a soft expression, his eyes filled with love and sympathy.

"The body acts as a disguise for all of the crazy thoughts swirling through your mind. Now please Ondreaz, tell me if you're okay!"

"I'm going for a walk. Don't follow me."

So I sit in my shared bedroom, the door shut and the lights turned off. I'm wrapped tightly in a blanket and cuddling a random stuffed animal I found really close to my chest. The speakers in my room blaring music because it seems to be the only way to calm my raging mind.

I constantly have the feeling like no one really understands what I'm going through, and I can talk to people about it but they don't understand anything that's going inside my head.

"I'm feeling really off lately. It's hard for me to find much motivation to continue dancing." I told the small group of people I was seated with. "Haha, same dude. I'm always fucking depressed. I mean, who isn't these days!"

On the outside I laugh, but on the inside I feel betrayal.

Someone knocks on the door gently, and I was able to tell who it was almost immediately by the very specific pattern of the knocking. "Come in Thomas." I called out gently, my voice cracking from the pain on the inside. That, and the fact that I had barely left the room these past few days.

"Baby?" He asked me while gently opening the door. "Hey Thomas." I said while snuggling deeper into the blanket. He sat down and pulled me into his lap, rubbing his hands down my sides in a comforting yet alluring way. "I want to talk to you about something important baby."

I looked up at him, a small yet fake smile present on my face. "What's up babes?" I asked him, once again suppressing everything I'm feeling so that I could make sure everybody else was doing okay.

"I know you're not doing okay, Ondreaz. And I don't care how much you fucking hate me after this, but neither of us are leaving this room until you tell me how you're really feeling. I don't care how long I have to sit here and listen to you rant, but I want you to know that I'm here to listen to your problems and make sure you're okay."

I smiled softly at him, my eyes welling up with tears, "I'm fucking struggling Thomas. I try my absolute hardest to make people love me. To spread positivity and make sure everyone else is happy. But I feel like nothing I ever do will make me happy." His gaze didn't hold one of pity, but it held one of understanding as he kissed me softly as a sign of reassurance.

"I'm not going to spare you a whole sob story, but I understand what you're going through because I've been there babes. I don't fucking care how long we have to sit here, but I will prove to you just how much you're worth and just how much I fucking love you."

At this point we were both crying softly, "Promise me that you will help me feel better?" He pulled me into a tight hug, something I truly needed more than anything else right now. "I will promise you the fucking world if it means I get to see you smile a real, genuine smile all of the time. I don't care how broken your real one is, at least I know you're not faking happiness."

My eyes welled up with tears again. He was giving me everything I needed right now. The long-awaited feeling of someone caring for me and embracing my issues, rather than tossing my problems aside as I handled all of theirs.

"I fucking love you baby." I cried out loudly while hugging onto him like my life depended on it.

"And I love you more babes."

He pulled me into another passionate kiss, and for the first time in a while I felt content. I didn't feel overly-happy yet I didn't feel like I wanted to curl up and die in a hole. I just felt content with the situation I was in.

"Hey, how about I go grab a bunch of ice cream and skittles, and then we can have a movie night while we binge all of the princess movies." I looked at him before pulling him into a quick kiss. "I would absolutely love that, Thomas."

And for the first time in a while, I was truly happy and smiling. No more fake happiness.

It was all real.

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Okay I promise I'm doing okay just struggling a bit mentally. A few parts of this are over-exaggerated but in all honesty it's how I feel. Everybody on this app shows me my worth and I am more than grateful for that. Stay happy, I love you all. Message me if you need it. Expect more in the future. I love you all. Bye!