Letter to my ex girlfriend, Arin.
(Note, this was written before I started really enforcing the fact that I use he/him pronouns and before I changed my name from Koda to Daniel to Andrew)
{June 19th, 2019}
You know that line from that one Pierce The Veil song, One Hundred Sleepless Nights? Ya know, the one that goes "Do you still love me, I am dying to know, or did you forget what we shared?". Yeah, that one. That line really reminds me of you, the whole song does really, and it sucks. To be honest the whole thought of you nowadays sucks. I really did love you ya know. Before you came it to my life I always told people I'd never get married, never have kids, never fall in love. And then you happened and suddenly it was "maybe I'd like to get married", "maybe I'd like a family", "maybe I like being in love". You made me believe that we would be together for life, you'd be the Tony to my Jaime, the Vic to my Kellin, the Andy to my Ashley, the Ronnie to my Max and everything in between, that you were not only my best friend but my soul mate too and that we would live in a perfect world together. You always said that if we cut ties it would be on my terms, but guess what, guess who broke up with who. You. You ended it. You broke up with me, not the other way around, no matter how much you wanna twist the story you cannot deny the fact that YOU broke up with ME and for what? A guy who you knew for less then a week, who you knew only from the internet? That's real shallow you know, and you wonder why I struggled to trust you. You say "oh I broke up with her because I didnt want her to find out about all the bad things I did to myself because I know it wouldve hurt her" well guess what, I think "cheating" and ending what made me happy everyday hurt more than whatever the fuck you did that was "harmful" to yourself. You cannot sit here and tell me that finding out that youre secretly cutting yourself or taking whatever fucked up drugs you may have hid from me would hurt worse than when you told me you found someone else, because it wouldnt. It never will. I cried for weeks, so hard that I gave myself headaches and wanted nothing to do with anyone. I contemplated suicide, I wanted to break everything in sight because I was angry. And even though I told everyone I hated you I knew that was a lie because I didnt hate you, i never had, i was only saying i hate you because i love you, but love fucking sucks when you give your heart to the wrong people and trust and believe, I didnt see it at first, but you've shown your true colors, and you've shown me nearly face to face that you are the definition of giving my heart to the wrong person. I miss you, and karmas a bitch who will come to bite you in the ass eventually, but I hope you're okay. Please dont forget me or what we had, because for me it made everything within the time we shared better and even if I wasnt the best girlfriend in the world I still tried my best and if that isnt good enough then you can go fuck yourself you ungrateful brat. I'll always love you, my friends will hate me for saying it but I will. I'll always have at least a little spark of love for you even if its onesided, even if I call you an asshole or a whore, and even if I say I hate you.
Take care, old friend...
Love, Koda.
