The Human Knife

Chapter 1

My name is in the news again, but that's not anything unusual. My name's everywhere lately.

Well not my name.

More like my pseudonym - except instead of being an author, I am a serial killer. At least in this world. I don't really understand how it works, but I save someone every time I kill them - and believe me, I know how that sounds.

"This guy is psychotic. He actually believes that murder is the same as saving someone."

Or

"Having a pseudonym is so freaking cool, how intriguing."

And you would be right about the second one, just not the former. I am truly saving people's lives.

It's just no one knows...yet.

***

The Human Knife strikes again!

I drop the newspaper on the kitchen table and frown.

"For Chrissake," I mumble, "Literally last week I told them to call me Fruit Loop!"

You know? Cereal killer? Eh, it sounded better in my head to be quite honest.

Don't judge, I'm treating this whole situation like it doesn't matter because it really doesn't. Also, Fruit Loop really has such a ring to it! Get it? Ring? Because they're loops- oh whatever, I thought it was funny.

I sigh and sit down on a stool. I guess I was masquerading as a 76-year-old lady with a walker which she apparently used to 'knock me out'. And of course, I then escaped. Obviously. I never get caught for too long anyway so its semi-believable. But alas, the newspaper didn't believe me, or technically the old lady. Yes, in hindsight, it wasn't really the perfect disguise considering the elderly aren't really my target demographic, but they honestly should've taken the Fruit Loop suggestion more seriously- I mean, The Human Knife? Really?

Being a serial killer was never in my top 10 career choices during my childhood. Nor as a teenager. Or an adult. Actually, I never wanted to become a serial killer, but here I am. Luckily along with the knife, I was 'gifted' came a few cool powers, such as having the ability to turn into a 76-year-old lady. The walker was from a thrift shop.

The thing that sucks the most is that everyone I knew is in the other world considering they're the ones I got first. I sometimes wonder what I was thinking when I agreed to this thing then I remember that if I didn't, my whole family would be dead. We would all be - and not dead as in I killed them dead, but dead as in never coming back. Ever. I used to be called Andy Parkes, I was 19 and about to head off to university to become a chemist. Yeah, that didn't work out.

It's incredibly lonely being a serial killer. Not that I'm your standard serial killer, but I'd assume its similar. Lack of companions, due to... well the killer part of the job description and constantly having to evade those pesky police (although every time I do get caught I just kill myself and return back to earth a bit later after checking in with the fam); but at least most serial killers get to choose their weapon. Like if I was able to, I'd burn down an orphanage or something, but then I would just be murdering innocent minors since they weren't dying by my knife. It's awfully inconvenient. So instead its just stab-stab-stab with the magical knife whenever I have time.

The Aliens who decided to bestow this massive task onto little-old-me are pretty chill when they aren't talking about the whole doomsday thing and it turns out even though their appearance is nightmarish at best, they just want to help the earth. Their own world was destroyed by The Invaders who in my own words are 'coming to fuck our shit up next'. They're undefeated in the game that is taking over worlds, and The Aliens are not their most recent conquest. In fact, they were defeated hundreds of thousands of years ago and have watched hundreds of worlds burn at the hands of The Invaders. Each world they attempt to help leads to nothing and earth is next. Their next tactic? Kill as many people as you can with a magical knife, then The Invaders won't have any of their human fuel to move to the next world and they'll die off. I don't know man, they had a while to think this through so I'm going to trust them on that.