heartbreak (solby/jolby)

1. the wake up call

(this chapter is quite heavy so please be careful when reading! the other chapters won't be like this)
contains descriptive references to suicide and a few references to substance abuse

colby's pov

we have been living in the trap house for a year, making many memories here and around the world in that time. eventually me and sam found a way to make living together and sharing a channel work, despite our past. the thing is me and sam had been together for ages, starting when we lived in kansas where we shared our first innocent kiss. doing so well on vine, we decided to head out to los angeles. moving in together was nice to begin with but it soon took a toll on both our relationship and our channel. especially because we were keeping it a secret from everyone.

after that first year sharing an apartment, sam and i knew something had to change. still wanting to remain close for the sake of our channel, we thought maybe finding housemates was the answer. just before we moved into the new house, our relationship had completely fallen apart. it was only a week before we were to leave the flat for good that we sat down and had the conversation. it was rough, for sure, but we knew it was for the best in the long run. i remember looking around at all the packed boxes and thinking this was the end of an era.

it was quite hard to begin with because we still had to film for sam and colby after we had settled in a bit. the only thing that made it easier was having corey, aaron and elton around to film with, so we didn't have to be alone yet. although it hurt a lot, we found a way to be able to talk when it was just us two. we started making memories, exploring and making new friends. it was harder when i was alone, with time to think about how much has changed. i was with sam for years, i grew up with him and we did everything together. that changed so suddenly and i could tell that i was too. i had to grow on my own now.

what made it worse was when sam started bringing kat round the house. they didn't tell anyone at first but i could tell they were together, sam used to look at me the same way. after that, i started going out more, you would barely find me at the house unless i was needed for a video. i was hanging out with new people, dressing differently and doing things i probably shouldn't have done. i just needed to be distracted, i couldn't think about it anymore.

i was a bit of a wreck at this point, stumbling into the house at stupid hours looking a state. i began missing video shoots or being in too much of a bad way to film, usually high on something. nobody really worried because i hid away in my room most of the time which just became usual colby behaviour to them. i knew i couldn't keep doing this, i felt like death and everything around me was falling apart. i was barely sleeping, i wasn't eating, i was burying my feelings in substances and i wasn't uploading or talking to my housemates.

it was that one night that was a big wake up call to me. i was out and i had been drinking, it had been a shit night. i looked up and realised i didn't know a single person and that this had become a normal thing for me. i became intensely bored and walked off from that group. whatever i had taken that night had kicked in not long before which for some reason, made me feel on edge. i just wanted to go home. i felt my feet move for a long time until i finally looked up and realised i had walked all the way back to the trap house. i checked my phone and for a moment the numbers shook aggressively, i looked closer and could barely make out that the time was 3:00am.

i struggled with the door until it eventually flew open. i felt my chest tighten as i made my way up to my room. i stumbled about in the dark and tried to control my breathing until i shut my door. i started to feel dizzy, my breaths becoming shallow and quick. i began to cry and cry, no noise came out as i choked on my own gasps for air. i felt like i was dying, all of my emotions spilling out at once. silently. everything i had bottled up came to surface and i didn't know how to cope.

i still find it hard to talk about it and i barely remember the events in between. but i found myself with a bottle of pills, with some poured into my hand. in a haze, they made their way into my mouth and then next thing i remember is barely being conscious as the pills forced their way back out. that was the lowest point in my life and i never wanted to feel that way again. i felt myself cry again for ages afterwards.

it was like that all through the early hours of the morning. eventually i started to feel human but barely. i'd never felt so exhausted in my life. it was 10:00am when my body finally gave in, falling into a deep sleep for the first time in months. i slept for 3 days after that.

disoriented, i woke up with the driest mouth. i got up unsteadily and looked in the mirror. my hair was a mess, my eyes were bloodshot and outlined by purple bags, my body was worn and i didn't recognise the person that i looked at that day. my eyes scanned around my room and i see that at some point beyond my recollection, amidst my breakdowns, i had trashed my room.

not bothering to make myself look presentable, i went downstairs to the kitchen for the first time in ages to get water. i was in a daze when i grabbed a bottle from the fridge but as i turned around i was met with the stares of my housemates. i'd never felt worse about myself than when i looked at their faces in that moment.
it was that morning that i decided something needed to change.

we never really spoke about what happened but it was obvious everyone knew i wasn't really myself then. i was never the same again but i started to get better. i stopped going out as much, i slowly started eating again and eventually i was able to be in more videos. instead of going to a club to get away, i would go on a trip across the world.

it was hard at first but it's been a whole year since we moved in and i'm starting to heal.