Diary of a Sad black woman

but i want to be free.

Breonna Taylor. Amaud Arbery. George Floyd.
2020 started with a bang. How come more bangs followed?
Starting with the pandemic, it was known to be a rough year. Many flooded the streets to demand their rights to work. Once black lives were on the line millions more lined the street for demands to be heard.
Do you hear us? Dear you feel our pain. Do you see our tears. We are tired.
I am still grieving the loss of a member of the black community
I am also grieving my past mentality of what black lives matter means to me.
Growing up as an american in an african household is not easy. I was ridiculed for following the trend and was told to be better than "the rest of them."
These toxic thoughts followed me until high school. It was then that I realized that I am just as black as any black woman here too.
So I accepted to cut my hair again
And I loved my braids
I still wore wigs but owned my pride in a protective style
I slowly began to break away the whitewashed bondage that has been holding onto me for quite some time
As college went on i started to form friendships that were deeper and more meaningful than just me and you being the only 2 black people in the class. We needed each other.
Today I have recieved word from myself that the past me and the new my must resolve a deeper issue. That is of race ethnicity and nationality.
I am black. I am a woman. I am African. I am american.
I will not allow myself to hate my self anymore.
I will tread onto new waves of craving my true identity.
A glow will exude from my being , showing who have always been, with embracing to follow.
I love myself.
At least I am learning to. And being honest with having to unlearn the racist tendencies society and environment have put onto me is my first step.
It hurts. It hurts alot that we do not matter. It hurts that I do not feel safe in my home, at the store, in my car, at work, or just being. Being me.
Freely. Me.
But I will not stop existing with african american pride before another dies in spite of it.
Not today.
Not ever.
Black lives matter.