Sinful Discovery

022

° trust in time, especially when time says no. °

Chapter 22

I sleep in Sky's house for five hours, getting home around almost ten pm. I don't get a beating but my mum shouts and scoulds me, telling me that if I repeat such a thing next time — leaving the house for the whole day and coming home so late — she'd not only ground me but she'd take my phone and car away too.

As I lay on my bed now, thinking about it all, I realize that I've grown or I'm growing after all. It's either that or all the new things I'm feeling are starting to change me because normal Israel would have cried, stuttered and pleaded non-stop but then I didn't. I just stood there taking all the tongue lash, not necessary angry but just distracted. I couldn't bring myself to feel any remorse whatsoever and I'm certain if mum had hit me, I would've lashed out so bad, she'd call the priest to intervene.

All I could and can think of is not my mum and her rules, or Nessa and her hypocrisy or even Darcy's perfectly working pills but Sky and the fact that he wasn't beside me when I woke up.

He wasn't there.

I woke up to a warm empty room and when I got downstairs he was washing the dishes quietly with headphones on. If there's anything I've learnt from knowing Sky for weeks now, it is that he never quietly listens to music. It's entire he's screaming it out in his horrible voice, moving his body in the attempt of a dance or humming out the tone and drumming his fingers. It's never quiet.

And when I called him to get his attention, he had that sickly sweet smile on. The type of smile he had when we first met, the type that I just know is fake. The mask on without a single crack. Something was not right and I knew what it was. The ride to my house was a normal one, to any other person but me. He still smiled, laughed and talked like nothing was wrong. I remained silent but that didn't stop him at all, in fact, he looked at me all but twice until he dropped me off.

We weren't fighting but we weren't all good either and that's confusing because I do not know what to do. I don't believe he's mad at me so what now? How do I make this right? Do I even make this right?

Pansexual gay.

What in the world is that? I quickly get my laptop, opening it up and going straight to Google. Pansexual— from what I see it means someone who can be emotionally and physically attracted to all genders, including people without genders too. They could be with everyone. I don't understand it all and until now I didn't even know they were people without genders. What in the world?!

I keep reading and reading and it's all so broading and exciting that I start thinking of a prospect of being part of these people. Part of Sky's people. Part of all these? Homosexuality and stuff? It's exciting and at the same time it's not. I'm hit with different feelings at once unable to identify any clear one.

I'm not one of them. Homosexuality is a sin. My parents, the church, they would never accept me. Mum would beat me up... I can never be like that with Sky.

My tummy churns and I leap off my bed, racing into the bathroom and throwing up everything I ate, completely emptying my stomach. I throw up until there's nothing to get out anymore. Stumbling up to my feet, I flush the toilet and meet my reflection on the mirror. I'm paler than usual and my lips looked an ugly shade of purple. I have tears streaking down my face in a steady flow and my misery is glaring back at me.

I can't do this. I can't do this!

A scream bubbles out of me as I hit on the mirror repeatedly, smashing it in with my fist and letting the broken pieces slice through my skin over and over and over. I can't do this. I'm a horrible person! Why can't I be normal?!