Tokyo Ghoul Fanfic

Risk or Reward

I look around the small dim apartment again, trying to ignore the fact that a handsome smartass is barely five inches away from me. Uta's arms are above my head and his body is barely an inch from mine, slightly pushing me against the countertop. It's hard to resist the urge to look him staight in the face when he's standing so close.

My heart's racing, and I feel uncomfortable and almost scared. My breaths are short and my hands are trembling. He slides his arms down my sides and stop at my waist, bringing me closer to him. Uta arches his back to lean closer and I stand on my tiptoes. Our faces so close that I can feel him leaning into a kiss. 

I almost fall for him. Almost. I almost fall into the kiss and his strong, warm embrace. I allmost fall for his safety in this screwed up world. Just as our lips touch, I twist out of his grasp and run.

I run straight out of the door and into the mucky, cold, noisy alley where other apartments are connected. I turn around and anxiously look for other people. I just want to be alone. My throat is constricting, and my heart is beating out of my chest. I lean against a grimy brick wall, trying to get a hold of my own thoughts.

We were just about to kiss. I was just about to kiss a man I just met off of the streets. Something got me distracted. Was it the way he looked? Was it because I was so lonely? Was it because I needed a break from my boring routine that badly?

I catch my breath and get a feel for my surroundings, ultimately bringing me back into reality. I can feel the dirt between my fingers when I press them against the cold hard brick wall. I just left without warning. I sprang out of that room like a child escaping a dark room.

The difference was that Uta was a dark room and I was the child. I was a child who just turned the light out and knew a monster was right on my trail. Uta was the dark room which I knew nothing about, but was scared nonetheless. I was a child who kept running until they arrived at the embrace of a familiar face and bright light where all is known and all is good.

It was childish of me to run from Uta. I have never loved before. Well, of course I have loved before. I used to know what love was, thanks to my parents giving out compliments and reminders about how much they love me. Loved. They left me on a bad note. They abandoned me at a time when I needed help and guidance the most.

I have never loved an individual in a romantic sense. I could never dish out my trust to just any person on the streets. Time after time I would get let down, turned on, or exploited for crimes I didn't commit. How do I know that I can trust Uta? He was in a vulnerable situation when I found him. Would he have acted differently if we just met on the streets and he didn't need my help?

After what seemed like a calm, safe haven and resting place for me to sort out my thoughts, I get interrupted. Uta finally finds me. His hair is disheveled and his shoes aren't even on.

"Hey Azumi, I didn't mean to scare you back there. I just thought-"

"You thought what? That I would effortlessly be swooned by you and start making out with a guy a just met?"

A hurt expression transitions to Uta's face. "No, I-" He tries to find the right words which clearly isn't easy. "I didn't mean to come on too strong to you. I thought you were interested in me. Most people would just toss a few coins aside by a hurt man. Not even that. Most ghouls would kill another at any chance they get, but you didn't."

"I wouldn't do that to someone who's clearly injured. You could barely walk back there. I just did it because I-"

"You saw something in me?"

"No," I'm baffled by his arrogance, "I like to help other people. I guess my upbringing was sort of messed up and I don't want anyone else to feel how I did."

"See, you're not like most ghouls or people for that fact. I'm sorry if back there I misinterpreted some signs. I didn't know people with good intentions actually existed."

"Me either." The borderline argument comes to a pause.

"Will you give me a chance to get to know you?"

"I- I guess. I have to tell you, I'm not really used to letting people into my life."

"And that's okay. Everyone has their past to learn from."

I look down at my feet. The knee socks to my uniform are wet at the knee cap and are at uneven heights on my leg. I can't really learn much from my past. I just need to get over the idea of my parents abandoning me. I have to let people in. Is it even worth it though? Uta could be like any other ghoul: dangerous, compulsive, and blood-thirsty. He could also be a blessing and a safe guard to always return to when things are a little too crazy. Should I take this risk and be rewarded with a new confidant or end up hurt and heartbroken?

"So what do you say?" Uta outreaches his pale boney hand out for me to take. "Can I take you on a real date and tell you a little more about myself?"

I nod my head, accept his yearning hand, and take a risk.